Love & War (Soukoku and Fyoya)

Which Dazai Races Against The Clock

My Dearest, Osamu

Five months ago, I met Fyodor Dostoyevsky. He reminded so much of you that it hurt. I loved you since I was fifteen, even when you nothing but trouble for me. Fyodor changed nothing. Three months ago, Fyodor approached me again. He told me that I could protect you, my friends, and my family by helping his rid this world of Gifts. Now, I know what you are thinking- that could kill me. It probably will, and I am okay with that. I love you, and I love my friends that have become my family too. In fact, I wish that I had more just one life that I could give- but I do not. I have one, and I will happily give it up for you. Fyodor suggested that I keep you distracted these past few months. Please know that everything we felt was real, everything did meant something. I am doing this because it was real, we were real. Fyodor thinks that I will simply be unbound from Arahabaki, but you and I know that is not true. I am not scared, though. I have lived with Arahabaki for my whole life, and being separated from it would make me truly happy. So happy that I could cry. However, I will never cry those tears myself, and I hope that you do not either. I will fucking haunt you if your stupid tears make some ugly ass tree sprout on my grave (not that I think you or anyone else will cry for me). Whatever happens, I hope that find it in your heart and forgive me.

Yours,

C. Nakahara

"Chuuya is telling the truth," Ranpo told Dazai, handing the letter back. "You will find them at that address."

Time felt suspended.

"You should know," Ranpo said quietly, "that we will not make it in time. Chuuya will be long dead. It seems like that is how he planned it."

Dazai felt like screaming. He was usually so calm and prepared, but it felt like too much right now.

"Do not worry, Dazai," Yosano muttered, focused. "We will get you there."

Yosano always drove a good few miles above the speed limit. It terrified would make most people uncomfortable, but not the two people with her now. Yosano had that determined look on her face that had always amused Ranpo.

"Yosano," Ranpo mumbled. "Do not give Dazai false hope. That is just cruel."

"Well, I am either I am either too just or too cruel. I recently discovered that I cannot be anything less than I am, so I guess you will both have to deal with it."

Ranpo felt respect for Yosano flash through him. He simply nodded and leaned back. Ranpo brought some small food items for sharing, but they were almost gone in the first half an hour. Dazai was in the front seat. Life in Agency was wonderful, but it felt like something was missing, some piece of the puzzle. When Chuuya came back into his life, Dazai shifted and everything became perfect. He experience anxiety and care for the first time in a longtime. Dazai suddenly chuckled, strangled and forced.

Yosano shuttered away from it, knowing that whatever had made Dazai laugh like had could not be good. However, curiosity ate at Ranpo.

"What are you laughing about?" Ranpo asked.

"I was never worthy of him," Dazai whispered, smiling sadly. "From the moment I left him with Mori, this was a foregone conclusion. Chuuya was praised for his blind loyalty and trust, and he has always been an overachiever when it came to pleasing Mori. I knew Fyodor was after him, one way or another. I did not warn him, and this is the result. I was the only thing protecting Chuuya from something like this, from Mori and from Fyodor. I failed him- like I always do. Chuuya is the most important person in my life and I failed him. I have never been worthy and will never be worthy of his life, much less his death."

"Quit feeling sorry for yourself," Yosano snapped. "Chuuya loves you; just from hearing that note, I can tell that is true. Even if you lived a thousand lifetimes, you still might never be worth the sacrifice Chuuya is gonna make today, Dazai. All that matters is that someone like that loves someone like you. That alone makes your worthy. You love Chuuya so much? Then trust his judgment, and move forward. Quit blaming yourself, and rescue him from himself, like Chuuya did for you."