Lying is a Sin, A Sin Hanagaki Takemichi Commits Too Often

He Knows (I just want it all to be over)

June 25th, 2017

The waves crashed gently beneath him, his pale legs dangled freely from where he sat. The old bridge provided no comfort to sit, yet he couldn't be bothered to care. The temptation to just slide a little bit forward, fall into the deep abyss and let the water fill his lungs, it was growing stronger and stronger the longer he sat here with his thoughts. Wouldn't that just fix everything?

Ah but that would be too depressing. Dying on his birthday. He could just sit here all night and once the clock ticks over midnight, then he could let himself fall.

Perhaps he left too hastily. He should have listened to Kazutora some more, he knows the older would never betray him like that. But he was so blinded by emotion, its all his fault. Kazutora probably hates him now. He deserves it. He deserves everything that has happened to him, the abuse, the neglect, the cancer. All of it. He deserves the heartbreak. Everything.

Years ago, he would plan out situations of how he would react if he ever was faced with his mother again. Some resulted in crying, others in violence. He never thought he would go into a dissociative state. He can't face any of them now. They've probably all figured out that he was abused, all those years of hiding for nothing. He didn't want their pity, he hated pity. He didn't deserve it. He wanted to die.

He wanted to just be gone. Let the ocean take him, fill his lungs until they burst. It sounds so pretty, so desirable. He would die in only a matter of minutes, and everything would be over, the pain, the guilt. Everything.

But he is now no longer alone, someone sits beside him.

"Shinichiro-san," comes the choked greeting.

"Takemichi..."

.

To him, Takemichi was like another younger brother that he had to protect. No, not like, Takemichi was his brother. His family. His grandfather accepted Takemichi as his own grandson many years before his death, like he had to Izana. Blood relation didn't matter with these things.

Empty eyes were something he had seen a lot growing up. Mikey would have moments when he would be overcome with anger and his eyes would go blank, lifeless. Izana's eyes had been similar for a while after he found out that Emma's mother wasn't his mother as well. Those blank, lifeless eyes were something he never expected to see on Hanagaki Takemichi of all people. No, his eyes were kind, warm, and always filled with determinations.

But tonight, his eyes were anything but. There were dull blue voids and that sight scared him. Because if something- someone made the Hanagaki Takemichi's eyes dull, then he couldn't even imagine the damage they caused. The house was tense, it had been a little while since everyone had left Kazutora alone with Takemichi. He knew the two had always been extremely close, if you didn't know Kazutora was in a very dedicated relationship with Baji and Chifuyu, you might think he and Takemichi were together. But their relationship wasn't like that. He had never quite understood they closeness with each other, he sure had heard a lot about it from Mikey, who would always complain about Kazutora supposedly stealing Takemichi from him. But he understands now, it reminds him of Kakucho and Izana's bond. Two people who went through similar bad situations find comfort in each other.

He sighed exasperatedly, Takeomi glances over at him, a cigarette hanging from his mouth. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a pack and offers to Shinichiro. He does so eagerly. The two were standing outside, beside the house. Many arguments had been breaking out and some fresh air was needed. Then that fresh air needed to be contaminated by smoke.

"You look like you needed one," Takeomi comments gruffly.

"There's something going on."

"Well obviously, feel bad for the poor kid. Child abuse it's ah....it's no good." Takeomi looked off into the distance, Shinichiro knew he always felt guilty about his childhood. Takeomi always felt like he could have done more, been around more to take the hits for Senju and Haruchiyo.