Lying is a Sin, A Sin Hanagaki Takemichi Commits Too Often

The Words I Say Not To You (Flashback Chapter)

Those three words. So simple. It's just a couple of mouth and tongue movements. But it's not. Those three words are so much more than that. They're the most complicated string of words that could possibly be said at one time. Those words could hold the entire world in it's hands, but at the same time drown in the deepest depths.

Takemichi used those three words carelessly. He said them no matter the meaning. There was nothing holding him back. He said those words even if he didn't mean them. He said them to those he should hate but doesn't. He said them whether their meaning is romantic, familial, platonic, unconditional...he said them with ease.

He never noticed the true meaning of those words until he noticed there was one person he could never say it to. He could never even think about it.

*

His mother, Hanagaki Jun, a wretched pathetic woman who let her own failed love to fuel her hatred towards him. He loved her still. Even as he cried and trembled while cleaning his wounds, he loved her. Even as her fingers left deep purple bruises on his skin, he loved her. Even as she spoke such harsh words about how much she didn't love him, he loved her.

He should hate her. He should despise her very being like she does to him. He should say a different three words. Ones that should be much easier to say, 'I hate you'. But he couldn't. He couldn't say nor even think those three words towards anyone.

Even as he laid there, cowering against the wall and clutched his ankle. Even after his mother just pushed him down the stairs and stood before him, glaring in a way that would make anyone feel physically sick...he loved her. And he said it too, through his choked sobs, tear filled eyes and sniffling, he said.

"I love you Mum."

Those words were so easy for him to say, even if they were towards someone who was so undeserving of them. He couldn't stop, even as he cried harder as his sprained (broken) ankle swelled and ached, even then, he kept saying it, 'I love you'. Even after she had scoffed and walked away, he kept allowing those pathetic words to spill from his mouth.

*

When you're a kid, you say those three words to just about anyone. There's no long and difficult contemplating process on whether or not you should say it. It was a habit really, saying 'I love you' in his goodbyes to friends.

"See ya tomorrow Kaku-chan, I love you!" He'd shout and smile proudly at little Kakucho's embarrassed face.

"I love you Takkun, goodnight," he'd whisper over the home phone, careful to not have his mother hear.

*

He'd say it, whether it be through text, on call or face to face, he'd say it to his friends. With Akkun, though, he waited a bit after their...incident, until it would just come off as platonic rather than romantic. He'd said it to Hina, shyly at first but grew more confident. He had never felt like he couldn't still say it to her after they had broken up, because they were still best friends. Even if there was that still bit of romantic undertones lingering, it was thrown around in a friendly manner.

*

But there was one. One person he could never say it to. Sano Manjirou. Mikey had been saying it to him for 12 years, but Takemichi always found a way to brush it off and say something else in response, that is, if he gave one.

"I'm gonna head on home," Takemichi announced tiredly, scratching the back of his head. Mikey's eyes flicked up and looked up at him, pouting slightly.

"Already?" He subconsciously gripped Takemichi's shirt tighter, "I'll share my dorayaki with you...please, stay a little longer?"

It wasn't often Takemichi saw Mikey in such a vulnerable state. Takemichi had come over to Mikey's house, bag of sweets in hand, Mikey hadn't expected his visit but welcomed it nonetheless. It had been two weeks since Emma had left for France for cosmetology school and as much as he refused to admit it, he had been feeling lonely.