✓ if he was here - sequel

if he was here

my winter break wasn't great. i didn't even know school was already starting soon.

i spent most of my days crawled up in my room, not taking a peek outside of my bedsheets.

i almost forgot what life was like before i became a shut-in like this. it was honestly terrible— the condition i was in.

but it didn't matter. without him, what was the point in looking forward to anything?

i saw the beauty in life because of him, and now that i had to go back to living the way i used to...

i just couldn't accept it.

though, the more i reflected on what i was doing, the more i figured that i was no different from him.

what would jungwon want?

if he saw what i was doing, he would hate it... wouldn't he?

at his lowest, he was doing quite similar things to what i was doing as of right now.

it hurt me seeing him like that.

i'm a hypocrite...

the break was nearing it's end. what was i doing? what have i done?

what i was doing, was treating life as if he were dead.

but was he?

did i just accept that he was just.. dead?

disappearing like that. well, he might as well be...

if he saw me hoping that all of this was just a dream as i continue to suffering like this, he wouldn't be too happy... but what could i do?

you were right, laundry boy.

i don't know anything about loss.

suddenly, i heard my door open. i had to act like i was asleep because i didn't want her to pester me.

but then, the words that came out of her mouth brought me to shock.

"hisa. i know that nothing i'll say will make you leave your room, but please..." she paused, sniffles were to be heard.

"your grandpa is gone. show a little sympathy..."

my eyes widened. i knew, that not my mother nor father could understand how much laundry boy meant to me, but there was one person who witnessed it with the naked eye.

the moments i spent with jungwon were known to my grandpa.

i realized at at that moment, that i would never be able to talk to him about jungwon anymore.

he wasn't here, nor was jungwon.

i felt so angry.

i was only thinking about myself.

i couldn't keep this up for longer. it was doing no good to the people around me, or myself.

i still didn't think i was ready.

but then again, how long would i have to wait until i am?

♡