heartless | nikolai lantsov

\\ Chapter Thirteen \\

"Let's get you to a healer."

"I can't." That's when Nikolai sees her knee. It's twisted awkwardly. Rani shifts, leaving all her weight on the other leg. At the look, she snorts, "Did you think I was just staying up here because I was dramatic? I only started throwing things when they started shooting."

Nikolai grimaces, "I did not authorize that."

"After last night, a few bullets aren't enough to scare me."

Right.

Last night, when the demon had almost killed her. He had almost killed her.

Again.

"Let me help-"

"-because you were in the army and you're strangely good at treating injuries. I know." The assassin's words are the closest she's ever come to complimenting him and Nikolai has to force back a smile.

Instead, he carefully examines the mess of fabric tied around Rani's shoulder, "You, apparently, are not so skilled."

Rani allows him to take her arm, careful of the scratches running down it as he helps her to sit. "I was not a Prince in the army. There was no focus on making sure I gained useful skills, I was just another body to throw at the Ravkans"

The pain in Rani's voice is clear and so Nikolai tries very hard not to imagine what it was like when she had thrown herself at one specific Ravkan. Though that was admittedly for a different reason than he had hoped.

So he tries very hard not to think about the way sunlight had tinted the edges of her dark hair with a golden sheen, how warm her hand had been against his chest.

The almost kiss that has haunted him for weeks now. She had been beautiful that day by the lake before he knew the truth. It had been a quiet kind of beauty. The reality is a girl of glinting blades and hard truths, of fire and passion. She is all the more beautiful for it.

More dangerous too. For him and for Ravka.

Nikolai produces a flask from his pocket, taking a swig to clear his mind before passing it to Rani. She sniffs it tentatively, her eyes widening.

"A little early, don't you think?"

It definitely is, but as soon as Zoya told him what had he knew at least one of them would need a drink.

Some of the blood starts to return to her face as she takes a swig.

"Tell me about the army."

He says it as much to distract himself from her as it is to distract her from that knee. Resetting it will be painful enough without her focus there.

For a moment it seems as though Rani is going to object, her eyes going dark. When she starts to speak her voice is softer than he's ever heard, "I am not a soldier. It was never going to work for me, I don't like being told what to do."

Despite himself, despite everything, Nikolai laughs. "That has been very clear."

Rani tries to look annoyed, but her lips twitch.

"Tara and I were drafted at the same time. It only lasted a few months before they found out what she was and they didn't take it very kindly when I helped her get away. After that, I think they tried to dispose of me. I was moved around, given only orders that had slim chances of survival. I was even sent into the Fold once, to see if Ravka could be attacked that way."

Nikolai freezes. That was considered risky even in Ravka, with Squallers and Inferni to help. In Shu Han, without Grisha or expertise... It would be a suicide mission.

"In the end that's what saved me. One of the others in our group decided that desertion was better than death in the Fold. He shot the Commander. After that, everyone ran."

Nikolai moves without warning. There's a sharp pop. Rani hisses in pain, a few curse words spouting from her, but her knee looks normal again.

He lets this newest advisor catch her breath, Nikolai moves his attention to her shoulder. When she pulls away he says, "Well I can't very well send you to the healers like this. They'll think I did this shoddy bandaging."

Rani stills as he unwraps her hasty bandages, tearing the seam across the shoulder of her shirt to get a better look at the marks. Definitely from talons. From him.

Taking the flask back, he pours some on a relatively dry scrap of fabric before dabbing it on her shoulder. Rani flinches slightly. Her chest is rising quickly now.

"Why are you helping me?" Rani asks, meeting his eyes with her own golden ones, "Not some witty deflection. Why really? Why me?"

A grin flashes across Nikolai's face, the one he locks into place so quickly and so often it's second nature. "You can't confess your love for me if you're dead, now can you?"

Rani doesn't respond, just waits.

Stop. Stop asking. Stop looking at me like you're starting to think I'm not such a monster. I did this to you. Every moment you spend near me is more of a risk. I can't help myself around beautiful, broken things, not when they look at me like that. Like maybe I'm not too broken to fix.

You have to stop.

She didn't.

"If that thing kills you it wins." His voice breaks slightly, "I won't let it. I can't-"

I can't. I can't let you die. I can't kiss you. Stop, just please stop.

They sit in silence while Nikolai rewraps the bandages around her shoulder, not daring to meet her eyes in case she sees any remnants of truth in them.

Rani breaks the silence, "What was that creature?"

"A remnant of the Darkling and the war. A curse on us all."

Her eyes are sharp, always so sharp, as she studies him. She's going to see, she's going to know.

Stop looking at me like that.

"I am sorry about your sister." He's reaching out for anything, desperately, to push that wall back up between them, "I wish I had known her better. And I'm sorry about the shooting at you, really I don't know who decided that was the solution."

Rani doesn't say anything, just nods, and finally - blessedly - looks away from him.

And there's only one thought in Nikolai's mind.

Look at me like that again. 

I've decided the medic!Nikolai trope is superior. He was in the army so he would have at least a basic understanding of healthcare and we always love a good patch-up scene.