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💋Olivia Renee Hayes💋
Friday,December 4th, 2020
It's been almost a week since Jordan was born. I've had a really hard time adjusting to being a mom. Actually I've had a really hard time adjusting to being his mom. He's reminding me more of what I went through now more than ever. I thought it wouldn't get in the way of being his mom. I thought I could love him either way, but its hard.
I love my son more than life, don't get me wrong. I'd give it all away just for him. But I'm struggling mentally. I've been really thinking about therapy. I think it could be a good idea in order for me to be able to be a healthy parent for Jordan.
Stokeley has been the best man I could ask for. He's been so great, stepping up as Jordans' father and my boyfriend. I'm so happy I met him. I'm so happy he made my pregnancy as happy as he could for me.
"Babe, is this one okay?" I looked over and Stokeley was holding up a pouch of breast milk I'd pumped earlier in the day.
"Yeah," I nodded my head. He began to pour the milk into a bottle. I looked down at Jordan who was already looking up at me with his big beautiful eyes. He has my eyes, thankfully.
He doesn't really resemble him at all. He's my twin, honestly.
I frowned, feeling guilty that I felt the way I did. I wish I could get out of this funk. But I just can't seem to. I'm really going to try though.
"Do you want me to feed him, so you can get some air?" Stokeley asked me as he approached me with the bottle.
"Yeah," I nodded my head and slowly handed Jordan off to him.
I stood from the rocking chair and started to leave the room. I walked downstairs to the living room and flopped on the couch next to Madi.
"Bitch you're stomach is almost all the way gone and you just gave birth two weeks ago, I hope I snap back like that," she ranted.
"I've been on a diet that's why," I explained.
"Me personally, I'm eating what the fuck I want after I give birth," she explained.
"I do eat what I want, I've never been a over eater or a big snack kind of person," I explained.
"Yeah I know I used to think you had a eating disorder," she laughed.
I rolled my eyes at her, "what the fuck."
This girl just says whatever she wants.
"So I have a question," she continued. "How long did you wait to have sex after... you know... what happened?"
I was shocked to hear her question. I'd honestly thought that she already went there with Jahseh. "Uhm, it took a few months after me and Stokeley started talking. I waited until I was ready... mentally and physically and emotionally. Cause that matters."
She nodded her head and slowly turned away.
"Why do you ask?" I asked.
"Hear me out," she turned to face me, "Jah and I tried to do it, and I like freaked out and had like a panic attack and went off and it was just crazy. And he left and I haven't spoke to him since."
"What the fuck when did this happen?" I asked.
"Last night," she explained. "I just kicked him out, it was so embarrassing."
"Oh wow, he hasn't said shit to Stokes," I explained. "You're probably just not ready yet."
"I know and I think this is the first time that I'm realizing what happened to me, since it happened to me," her voice cracked. "It's like this overwhelming feeling of pain. And I'm carrying his baby. How am I supposed to love a baby that was forced upon me by such a evil and disgusting person."
This was the first time I've heard those words out loud, and they weren't coming out of my mouth. I understood her feelings and for the first time, someone understood mine.
"You're gonna love your baby," I told her.
"How do you know that?" She cried.
"Because I love my son." I admitted. "I hate who did this to me, but I love my son. And I wouldn't trade him for anything in the world. He's the best gift god has ever given me."
"You only feel that way because JJ doesn't look like him," She rolled her eyes.
"I feel that way because JJ didn't do anything to me, he's innocent," I explained.
"It's just a pain that I've never felt before, and I wish it didn't hurt anymore." She confessed.
"I know," I felt my eyes tear up, watching her have the same breakdown id just had months before. I knew exactly how she felt. The hurt, the pain, the betrayal, and mostly the confusion. "Ill be here for you every step of the way."
