Chapter Twelve: I Didn't Order This Life

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*Makayla's POV*

     After a long talk at dinner about what exactly my brother had told Liam, I was so embarrassed. The lights had comeback on in the middle of dinner as well. Honestly it's been awhile since I've truly smiled like I was now. 

     "Oh. What time is it!?" Liam asked looking at his phone. It was already 7:30 pm. "Well I think I better get home. My mom's a worrier and well I sort of have her car. We should hang out again A.S.A.P yeah?" Liam questioned and Matt looked to me. I smiled widely and nodded.

     "Defiantly." I agreed.

     "Awesome!" Liam said standing up. I quickly got up and ran to the laundry room. I grabbed Liam's jacket off the hanger. I ran back to the foyer with the jacket as Liam was coming out from the kitchen and waving to my brother. He turned his head to me and smiled. 

     "Thanks for inviting me to have dinner. I had a lot of fun catching up with your brother and basically just being able to have a normal conversation." Liam said shrugging his shoulders. I laughed remembering I hadn't been the one who'd invited him.

     "Liam I'm going to be honest with you. My brother stole my phone and texted you. Not me. But I'm sort of glad he did." I said shrugging just as Liam had before. Liam chuckled under his breath.

     "At least you're honest about things." He stated. Am I? Liam began to walk towards me. I extended the arm the jacket was on and he grabbed it from me. I didn't have to worry about him seeing my scars. I and ran up quickly after the lights went back on and covered them up. Liam said I was honest but I really know I'm not. After taking the jacket he pulled me into a small hug which I gratefully accepted. He pulled back. "If you ever need a ride you can call or text me."

     "Accept for when you aren't home." I replied with a giggle. He smiled. 

     "That's right. Goodnight Makayla." He stated backing away and pulling his jacket on and walking towards the door."

     "Night Liam." I replied as he just reached the door. He gave a small wave and proceeded to leave the house. I smiled. The only guys that had ever hugged me were my brother, father, and when I was really young my friend Charlie. He was a red head boy with freckles. I chucked remembering the times we spent in the sandboxes and mud with noting but underwear and diapers on. I walked into the kitchen and leaned on the counter. Matt glanced over his shoulder.

     "Hello." He said smiling.

     "Hi!" I reply. He peered out the window as small rumbles happen with a few flashes of lightning.

     "If the power goes out again you might not have school. Maybe a big tree or two will fall and you won't have t go to school. Wouldn't that be nice?"

     "You must really like having me home."

     "Well I don't really know what to do with myself. I'm not working and I don't really hang out with people." He said with a small shrug. I pursed my lips a bit and grumble quietly to make sure he knew that I understood. I yawned a bit ad reached up to itch at my face. "Tired much?" Matt asks with a chuckle. 

     "Mhm. Quite." I respond feeling a tiredness slowly settle in me.

     "Go to sleep Squirt. I'll let you know in the morning if you have school or not okay?"

     "Alright. Thanks for dinner by the way. It was great."

    "Glad you liked it!" He said turning to me and smiling. For a short moment I could have sworn I was looking at my father. Matt looked so much like him now that he was all grown up. Handsome, built, and tall. I wondered if I looked like my mother. Probably not. She was beautiful. I was like Godzilla or something from a creature feature you see on Halloween. "Mac. I'm going to try my hardest to make sure that you're safe and happy. Okay? I love you and I don't want you hurt."

     "I know. I love you too and I'll be right here with you every step of the way." I said smiling. He kissed me gently on the cheek and pulled me in tighter. He finally released his hold and granted me one final 'goodnight' and I walked up to my room. I sighed.

'I'll be right here with you every step of the way.'

Would I? Can I really last?

     I shake my head in attempt to shake my thought which miserably failed. I looked to my nightstand. There was a picture of My parents, Matt, and I. It was not to long before their accident. Maybe a month or two. We all looked so happy. What happened? I felt somethings stinging at my eyes. Tears. I let them go silently. I wiped at them to make them disappear. 

"You should just kill yourself already you know? No one cares about you one bit. You're just a little attention whore."

"You don't have a Mum and Dad. They left you alone because you're such a little whore and they couldn't stand looking at you. And neither can anyone else. So just. Go. Run bitch."

"I have no sympathy for a fugly tramp like you."

     The tears kept streaming down my face. I quickly stood up and ran to my bathroom I stripped off my pants leaving me in my underwear and t-shirt. I dropped to the floor and crawled to the cabinet under the sink. I grabbed the box of blades and threw the bandages up on the counter. I locked the door and picked up the box of blades. I took one out and put the box down. Tears silently rolled down my face. I examined the blade holding it between my thumb and index finger. I carefully examined my skin to see where this cut should go. 

     Legs or arms first? I Think legs. That was the place I usually put words. I decided to just stick to cutting right now. I carefully placed the corner of the blade on one side of my leg dragging the cool metal across my skin. Once I'd finished that first cut and let it bleed as I watched the ed liquid. Tears started to appear in eyes and I shut them tight. What did I do to deserve a life like this one?

     I open my eyes. I self consciously bring the blade to my wrist.

     "You're a worthless slut." I whisper dragging the blade across my wrist once. "Waste of space." I whisper louder dragging it in another spot across. "No one would give two shits if you killed yourself." I say out loud dragging the metal once more. I look at my wrist to see the blood covering it along with the other cut on my leg. I went ahead back to my leg and made a tic-tac-toe board. 

"You should just kill yourself already you know?"

     I dig the blade deeper making the last 'X' making me lose. With all the strength I have left I throw the blade into the door and heaved a sob. I was broken and there was no doubt in that. Reagan was right. If I killed myself it'd be easier for everyone else. My brother wouldn't have to worry about spending money on me. Liam wouldn't have to waste his time spending it with me. Mrs. Turner wouldn't have to go out of her way to help me. 

     I wipe my tears from my cheek and let the others fall. I crawled over to the blade picking it up and tossing it in the garbage. I'd clean the blood later after I washed my cuts and bandaged them. I took a red washcloth from the closet and wetted it in the sink. I sat back down grabbing the bandages. I wipe the tic-tac-toe board clean and then the three cuts on my wrist bandaging as I go. When I finished I took the blades and bandages and hid them safer now. I couldn't risk Matt finding them. I walked into my room and checked my clock. It'd been an hour since Liam had left. I sniffled as I changed my shirt to a long sleeve and but on some pajama pants. I covered all the places that were cut and walked into the hallway. The house was dark and all I could see was the flossing light from the telly. I went back into my room and collapsed on the bed. I hadn't done any homework but who cares? I looked at the clock again and got lost in thought slipping off into a deep sleep.

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