Not Broken, Not Yet | Tom Riddle

Chapter Thirty-One

Chapter Thirty-One

There are moments in life that change everything. A decision made in half a second whose consequences whisper to the end of time. You'd think moments like these belonged to tough decisions of life and death, perhaps even a career choice. Moments whose finality or importance shape the very course of your life, for the worse or for the better.

You don't expect a moment like that to be one as silly as a kiss in the snow with the man you may or may not have loved. But I knew it then, and long after as well. The moment our lips touched was the moment my life would change forever. And I knew that I wasn't ready.

There are people who do well with change, whose lives are made for the winds of change. I was not one of those people. Despite the feeling of certainty, I couldn't shake the fear. It was too much. The control he had over me, the way my body seemed to whisper his name and the way it already craved his touch. His scent was on me, in me, travelling into my very bloodflow and memory through his mouth. I knew that it never would be enough. If I gave in I would be hopelessly stuck.

I was already his, and I was terrified of the moment when he would realise it too. And perhaps even more terrified of the one fact; I was his but he would never be mine. Not fully.

Being with him would be like jumping off a mountain, hoping that he would jump with me and I had just realised that I was terribly scared of heights.

The faces of my friends, of complete strangers, of... Aiden, flashed through my mind. Their eyes burnt holes into me. Their silent judgement scorched me. A judgement I knew wasn't solely theirs.

I pulled away, staring up at his eyes that slowly opened to look down on me. The very same softness I had seen moments before our lips met filled them. A pained sort of look, like the perfection of the moment hurt him. Or perhaps pain from already mourning the end of the moment. Slowly he reached his hands up to my face, cupping my cheek and looking into my eyes.

Our eyes met and I forgot how to breathe. His eyes pierced me. Searching for an answer he already knew. His face hardened. The softness disappeared and so did the vulnerability. Once more he was ice, and my fire could no longer reach him.

A tear ran down my cheek, he caught it with his thumb.

"I'm sorry," I whispered. "I can't. This is wrong." My voice trembled ever so slightly as I backed away slowly, but Tom wasn't looking at me anymore. His gaze remained fixed on the single teardrop that still glittered on his thumb. I turned my back and ran away. Even before I had crossed the threshold into the castle I felt the rest of the tears coming. I didn't sleep that night.

✹

I regretted my decision a hundred times over the second I turned my back on him. Every moment without him felt like a dagger piercing my heart, yet I was too afraid of needing him to turn back or withdraw my decision. Perhaps I would be in pain, but at the very least I wouldn't feel the pain of losing him when he, like all the others in my life, would leave me.

The holidays passed and we didn't talk again. Not once did our eyes even meet across the table at the multiple dinners that passed. The time where he had sought my eyes had passed. I was nothing to him. It was like the very first day all over again. I was invisible and for the first time I realised just exactly how lonely Hogwarts could be.

The rest of the students returned in late january. By the time they arrived I had forgotten how it felt like to be in a full school. As the hundreds of students trickled into the school through the gate like an army of ants I felt my heart skip over a beat as I thought about how it would be to share a space with all those people. Then again, as the crowds returned again I felt it easier to disappear again. With so few people at school it was impossible to hide. The anonymity of numbers shielded me and I stopped worrying about running into Tom and being caught alone with him and his icy gaze.