Not Broken, Not Yet | Tom Riddle

Chapter Thirty-Two

Chapter Thirty-Two

"What was that all about?" Ruth asked curiously later as we sat at dinner and arched a red brow. "The thing with Riddle." She said upon noticing my confused look. Her eyes gleamed with interest as she appraised me.

I took a sip of pumpkin juice to buy myself some time. I felt the others' eyes turn on me as I tried to wipe my face clear of any sign that might betray the whisperings of my foolish heart. "What thing?" I merely asked and feigned innocence.

"The thing where the whole class watched the two of you practically trying to rip the other's throats off in a weirdly intense and dare I say steamy way," Ruth clarified and rolled her brown eyes as she glanced at Clara, trying to get the other one's support."I could practically see the sparks flying."

Clara cleared her throat, looking rather uncomfortable. By her reaction I assumed no one had told Ruth about me and Tom going to Slughorn's Christmas party together. All for the better, but judging by her pained look it seemed as though she was a tad too close to spilling the beans. I shot her a threatening glance before turning to Ruth.

"Oh, that was nothing," I sighed. "Just Riddle being his normal charming self." At the words I let out a little sigh and rolled my eyes, trying to mimic the immense hatred and dislike I had once felt while speaking of him.

"In his defence you started it," she noted, sounding rather amused.

"I thought you were supposed to be on my side," I tried to sound hurt but laughed it off. The more joking and less serious I could make this conversation the better, I thought. The last thing I wanted was for Ruth to grow suspicious of me, not now when we finally had regained our friendship. Clara remained doubtful but she didn't press the subject and went into a detailed explanation of Aiden's attack while Ruth listened intently. Some time later Mary, Markos and Tyler joined. As the latter sat down a faint blush rose on Clara's cheeks and she started fussing with her brown curls and Mary had to continue the story.

When the attention reverted from the topic of me and Tom I felt myself let out a small sigh of relief. A small victory. What had happened in the Potions class had been entirely unplanned, but the image of Tom's gaze and the feel of him next to me seemed edged into my memory. I risked a glance towards the Slytherin table but to little surprise I didn't see him there. Disappointed, I turned around and continued my dinner as the conversations flowed around me. The Great Hall was once more alive with people but I was as lonely as I had been those weeks during the holidays.

✹

The days passed by. Life slowly settled back to normal in the castle as teachers began warning students of the upcoming exams. To most this was a highly unwelcome turn of events but I found that I felt calmed by the notion of having something else to think about. I began pouring all of my energy into my schoolwork, slowly isolating myself from my friends as I tried to live with the weight of my decisions and the ever sounding question: What if?

I wondered sometimes as I spent the late hours of the night studying by the fire in the common room or in some remote corner of the castle if the pain, the doubt and the worry was proof that I was doing the wrong thing. Or if they were merely the signs that whatever it was I had been feeling was slowly slipping away. Whatever it was, I hated it. I longed for the apathy that had plagued me just a month prior. I longed to be rid of the emotions that tormented me. I wanted to sink away into the depths of nothingness. But I couldn't. He had seen to that.

I wondered sometimes if this was the punishment sent upon me from the universe. Punishment for allowing Aiden to love me while I loved someone else. For perhaps loving two people at the same time. For giving Tom hope right before slipping away. I stood in an ocean of pain and confusion filled by the consequences of my own poor decisions.