The pain club

Part 1...of a very long story.

I didn't try to commit suicide.

I didn't try to end my life.

I just wanted it to end. The pain. The suffereing. The sadness.

I slit my wrists, yes. I let them bleed out, yes. I didn't call anyone for help and i didn't even write a letter.

What's the point?

That's what i thought. Its what i still think. What's the point? My therapist wants me to answer that. Like i have an answer.

I don't.

I have extreme anxiety. I take medication for it and all. You don't think your different until someone diagnoses you, telling you, you are!

Anxiety.

Its like this word that creeps into conversations. No one really understands it. No one really gets what its like, to have it.

No one understands how much energy goes in just to be normal.

It fills your head with the worst worries in the world. The most horrible things that could happen. And you convince yourself it will happen to you.

Its stops you living. You get panicked in calm situations. The worst feeling in the world is trying to hold back a panic attack in public.

You feel the walls closing in. Everyone staring at you as you walk. You feel nervous walking out the door. Turning corners.

Everything that's good, your mind turns bad. It makes it into something that is irational. Makes it into something that you stress over for days.

Your hands tremble. Your body shakes. There's no escape. No freedom. Just you, locked in a small cell, all on your own.

You want to break free. You don't wnat to be like this. To worry about every last detail. To constantly think about everything and everyone, all at the same time.

Depression.

I was diagnosed with that four months later. I have to take medication for that too.

Depression is sad. It the only way to describe it. When your happy, your sad. When your having a good time, your sad.

Weather your alone or not, your sad.

It consumes you. Making you feel like there is no hope. No love. Nothing left in the world

You feel alone and trapped and like there is no more light in the whole sky. Its horrible.

Having both, its hell.

I wanted to be normal.

Its all i wanted. But that was'nt going to happen. I knew that. I knew the pain would go on. I knew i couldn't stop worrying.

So i tried ending it.

I tried.

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"Sausage rolls. Look P, Sausage rolls, your favourite" My mom cheered. My mom was probable the happiest person alive.

She got happy at the smallest things. She cheered when mail came through the door. She smiled every time she saw a small kid or a cute dog.

Every. Single. Time.

"Yeah mom, its great!" I smiled at her. Her face fell, i hated when she did that.

"Maybe...maybe i should go. Yes i should go" My mom flustered, looking for the way out.

"Ok..." I muttered, taking a glass of water from the spread of food.