The pain club

Part 9...escape

Describing the moments after we escaped would be cheesy of me. Because for the first time, in a really long time, i felt totally and utterly free.

Free from the doctors and nurses. The therapists that pity me and the family that just wants to forget i exist. I was free from everyone that made me feel sad.

And it felt fucking awesome.

And like the cliche that it was, we did cheer as Reese drove faster. We did turn on the radio and sing to a stupid song and the wind did literally blow in my hair as i stuck my head out.

The moment felt perfect and untampered with and like we were untouchable. Like no one in that car would ever feel sad, or angry or depressed again.

I wnated to savour it for all it was worth. Because it had been so long since i had felt free like this. Since i had felt happy like this.

But then i remembered we were in a car.

"Stop the car."

"What?" Reese said through laughing. I grabbed his armed tightly and unbuckled my seat belt as the world came down crashing again.

"Stop the car Reese." I demanded it this time and the cheer in the car soon drowned. The smiling stopped.

I had brought them all back to reality.

Reese listened and parked in on dirt track leading way into the mountains. I didn't know where we were or how long we had been driving but i knew i needed air.

I pushed the car door and walked slowly out of the car. I walked a few seconds more, distancing myself from the confused looking faces.

I bent over, my hands grabbed my knees as i began to breathe.

"Wha-" Reese started to shout but Carla told him to shut up and sit back in the car. Joe soon began arguing with them all again.

"Are you ok Paige? Do you get travel sickness?" I heard Annie call from the noisy car. I didn't answer but gave her a thumbs up.

I ordered myself to breathe. Repeating again and again and hoping my body would listen. By the 19th time it did.

I felt my lungs fill again and the dizziness in my head floated away. I stood up, running my hands through my wild hair.

"Hey, you all done with your panic attack Brownie?" Reese called when i turned back around.I gave him the finger which seemed to please him.

I looked around at the deserted road we'd come along and i loved the silence of it all. I then saw everyone waiting in the car and hand closed around my heart again.

I turned away and gave myself THE speech. The one i'd given myself many times before. "Suck it Paige. It's car. It's just a fucking car and it's just a fucking feeling."

"All you gotta do it breathe. In and out. In and out. It's not rocket science." I told myself. "Suck it up."

When i re-entered the car, Joe pounced on me in seconds. Not psychically but with words. "This is kidnapping, you know? You guys could all be arrested!"

Reese pushed him a little while Carla argued that he was an idiot. Annie sat in between the two , telling them they're both amazing people.

"Then get out of the car Joe." I said, feeling able to handle people staring at me. Reece smirked and popped his door open.

"Out Here?"

"We're not kidnapping you. You can leave anytime you want!" I demonstrated the open door. Joe looked out at the deserted land and then back in at the car.

He didn't say anything and after awhile Reese took that as a no. He slammed the door shut and revved up the engine but then remembered.

"Yeah, i can't drive. Don't have a license so...blondie you better..." He hoped and and they changed places. Carla changed the gear while reached out to the radio again.

"Ok, so New York? Then we all say adios?" Carla checked with me that this was still the plan. I half nodded but felt dizzy again with the car being on.

Carla must have noticed as rummaged through her pockets, spilling many pills in the car. "PILLS!" Reece shouted in joy.

"Here. It'll knock you out for a couple of hours!" She placed to white tablets in the Palm of my hand. I threw the back without any questions.

"What is it with you and cars?" Reese asked the obvious question but i stayed quiet. "And beaches?"

"Drive Carla."

You know when you find yourself sitting on top of a car roof in the middle of no where with four strangers? That's when you know you're living your life.

"I've got to ask..." Carla pointed. Carla was sitting beside me on the roof. Reese sat on the bonnet and the two love birds were mingling on the boot.

Carla was pointing at my wrist that i had on full display. I glanced down at them, not seeing them so much as scars but more a part of who i was.

"If we're talking suicide slits, i'd like to know as well..."Reese commented, talking a sip of some sort of fizzy drink he had found in the car.

"I think that's very inappropriate to talk about. It's a private matter to us all." Joe told Reese and i'm glad they're was a car separating them both.

"I think it's inappropriate that you're here but oh look, here you are!"

"Boys! Please. If you don't want to share Joe, you don't have to! It was just a suggestion for conversation." Carla back down and they sat quietly again.

The sun was just coming up and we all watched as it made it's way up and up and up. The cars on the road still frequently passing us five teenagers by. Not asking why.

"It was a Tuesday night. I had had a shitty day and my mom had taken a night shift. My aunt was meant to be at my house but she was running late..."

"I saw this advert on TV about some new show coming out and it was all about students. Which got me thinking about school and how shitty everyone was in my school."

"And how my teachers hated me and my classmates bored me and then i thought...." I paused as i knew i had everyone's attention. "I thought this was the only time my mom wouldn't find me..."

I didn't make eye contact with anyone. "I should have paid more attention to the car rolling in my driveway but instead i ran upstairs. I got out my razor blades. Removed the blades and..."

"I woke up two days later...with loads cards and shit from school. My teachers visited me and my mom couldn't even look me in the eye again. She was ashamed...i guess..."

"Nothing big happened that day that drove me to it....It was just that nothing big happened to me any day...nothing good or bad...Everything was just vanilla."

"And nothing changed after that day either. I still went to the same shitty school and used the same shitty bathroom i had tried killing myself in a few weeks before..."

"My mom still worked night shifts and my aunt still came late....and i got to watch that show that had come out about students. Let me tell you, that was something not worth living for..."