The pain club

Part 12...happy again.

I got my first new york pizza. I ordered it like pro too. I spoke clearly and didn't trip up on my words like i normally did. The fact of the matter was i felt normal.

I missed my meds though. After taking them for almost a year, it was hard to come off them. The pills get my highs to a medium and my lows to a medium.

But now, i felt high and low at the same time. I felt worried all the time but in the same moments like i couldn't care any less. 

I'm telling you, it's confusing.

I found myself in time square. I don't really know how as i thought i was in the opposite end of the city. I thought i might have even saw Reece but i was mistaken.

I liked the crowds because i could blend and be forgotten about. I disliked the crowds as my anxiety when through the rood with the amount of shoving and touching.

I questioned why i even agreed to come here. I did i even run away in the first place. Where the hell did i want to go. My fucked up brain had thought about everything but the future.

To be honest, the reason for that was, i guess i never thought we'd actually make it this far. I 'd thought something would go wrong. Mostly due to me.

And i never really had much practice about thinking about my future. I never really had to because i always thought i'd have killed myself when the future comes.

For a very long time, this was the first time i actually thought i could have a future. Maybe it was just the feeling for being in Manhattan. In the core of it all.

Maybe it gave me life.

But i felt i could breathe. I could dance and sing and i was free for once. I didn't have all the problems i had had back home. That i didn't have to worry about anyone but myself.

But worrying about myself was something i never did. I had always been so preoccupied with everyone else i never thought about what i wnated out of life.

That's when it hit me. I didn't want anything. I didn't want anything out of life because my high soon turned into a low and i didn't want to live no more.

I can't nessasary desribe the feeling of being sucidal. I know i've tried but i don't think you quite understand it yet. Of course, you're smart enough to understand sucidal means you have lost the will to live.

But the actual feeling of it.

I would desribe it as prhysical pain. That when people say its an ache in your heart it really is. Thsi incredibly painful ache in your chest as you cry on bed at night.

I don't think it's becuase i am a girl i cry. Becuase it's my time of the month or i'm just an emotional wreck. It's becuase crying seems like the only thing you can do.

I can't even point to an exact reason for crying. It'#s just the building up of all teh sadness that week. Or that day.

You zone in on one thiong you said that day. One akward moment or embarassing second you experienced. And then you begin analysing everything.

Everything in your life. All the events that led up to this event.  Thinking back to when you were happy. What it felt like to be happy.

I miss that.

I miss happiness.

I miss smiling. The real smiling. I miss  waking up everyday and being excited for what was to come. I miss the reeling if being in love with life.

It just seems so impossible now. I was that girl. I loved my life. I was happy. I  smiled and laughed and lived living.

Where did she go?

I often imagine her walking in another universe. A universe where nothing goes wrong.  Where dad's don't leave their kids. Where siblings don't die. Where daughters don't try take their lives.

She would just worry about Boys. Drama with friends. Too much school work. And she wouldn't even understand the word suicidal. It just never needed to enter her mind.

I wish I didn't understand that word.

"Ash?"

I was so preoccupied I didn't see him walk by. He stopped in the crowd and looked my way. He looked happy to see me. "PAIGE!"

"Jesus Paige, everyones looking for you. Everyone is so fucking worried Paige..." He hugged me, just like he used to do when we were young.

"Moms almost lost her mind. We got the call from the hospital and she hasn't slept since. What are you doing PAIGE? " I smelled his familiar smell and I felt tears come to my eyes.

I guess I missed him.

"Ash...."

"Paige you have to come home. You and your friends.. you're sick...you can't stay here..." He sat on the bench with me as hundreds passed us by.

"How....how'd you find me?"

"Where else would 5 teenagers go...." He said it like it was obvious.  It wasn't that obvious to me. We could have gone anywhere.

"Is mom mad?"

"No. No Paige she's just scared for you. You asked me for the car...I thought you'd do something stupid." Ash explained. "And then you stole a car...go-"

"Ash..why didn't you not give me the car?"

"Cause I knew you were planning something bad. But it's ok...it's ok PAIGE. . No one's mad. ..you're not trouble. ..no one is...you just..." He tugged at my sleeves. "You need to come home Paige."

"No...no...it's can't..." I shook my head, trying to loosen his grip.

"Paige, we want you to come home. Like home home. You, me and mom...just like it's always been..." He grinned.

Everything I missed. I missed his smile. His smell. The way his jumpers always looked so grubby. His trainers always muddy.

"Like it's always been?" I asked once more.

"We're gonna be a family again Paige. We're gonna be happy again." He stood up. I stood up and took his hand.

"I can't be happy Ash. I think I've lost that ability..." I told him sadly.  He gripped my hand tighter. People strared at us but we didn't care.

"You can always be happy again. Happiness can always be found again Paige." He began walking into the crowd, pulling me along with him.

"I promise you, you will be happy again." His hand guided my hand. Through all the people.

I felt so safe. Like I was finally on my way. That I had finally found my way. I closes my eyes.

That was my mistake.

I felt his hand slip. The crowd of people became a sea on uneasy waves. "Ash?"

"PAIGE!"

"ASH!" I screamed as people shoved into me. "AAASSSSHHHH!"