The pain club

Part 6...Sunday

We still had loads to plan. We picked next Wednesday was the best time to go. The older staff always worked Wednesday. It would be easier to run from them.

 And don't me why i agreed to this road trip. I guess, i want to get out of here but being with other people. Talking and socialising were not by strong points. In fact if i wasn't on medication, I'd of probably had more panic attacks.  

But i could handle this. I could get through the social anxiety. The pulling of sadness. The constant battle between caring and not caring. But i could hold on. Just for awhile anyway.

 Reece had talked to Todd/Michael about a detraction. He was willing to help for a price.

"He wants a what?"

"He wants us to find him a lawyer to get him out of this place!" Reece chuckled. Reece was not having a good day.

His face had been bruised as he had picked a fight with some mental patient in isolation. I was there and he didn't look scared at all. He looked like he liked it. As if being punched was a good feeling.

"Well, we don't have to do it! Just say we will!" Carla uttered. She still sat away from us all but everyone was fine with it. I think we'd all adjusted to the groups habits. Which in a weird way, was...nice.

"Exactly!" Reece pointed at her. Annie shifted in her seat a lot. She kept staring over at Joe who sat alone. I guess she felt bad. But i had explained that Joe would snitch. 

I pulled on my sleeves. It was a Sunday and though I was trying to listen to the others, I was nervous. My mom was going to be here soon and talk with me and Quinn. I didn't want her to know I wasn't getting better.

My hands got sweaty which always happens when I'm nervous. I didn't want to do this. I could feel the worries building up.

"I gotta go...somewhere..." I stuttered making them all stare at me.

"Are you ok Paige?" Annie looked at me. Reece peered at me with concern as Carla watched my sleeves be pulled down over and over again.

"I'm fine..I'm fine.." I lied. "You guys keep...talking..." and I walked out. I tried finding some place to think. Thinking always calmed me down...or made me worse.

I tried the roof, and it was open. The peace and quiet hit me like a ton of bricks and all the worry's i had seemed to just float away. It felt good.

My feet dangled down the edge of the building and i thought how unsafe this was. What if i wanted to jump? I could do it. I could jump.

But unlike last time, it wasn't as big a desire. I was kind of happy to just sit and watch. The world around me, working, living, breathing. The world moved so fast and quick, it was scary.

But like everything, what goes up must come down. And that happiness i felt soon turned into sadness. That's the definition of depression. You're happy when your sad.

That high you feel suddenly dissolves and you feel the saddest of sads. You feel like you've never been sadder. And in moments like that, you think you can jump.

And i would of. I could of. But i didn't.

Why? Because a soft innocent voice called my name and i got happy. Not happy happy but happier. Annie sat down beside me and grabbed my hand tightly.

She looked out and she had tears in her eyes. Her fair hair moving with the breeze.  And i thought i might cry too. I don't why. It was just one of those moments. Where you felt, maybe this is a crying moment.

A moment that tugs at your heart strings, for no reason. Your brain orders you to feel sad. You tears well up and you cry.

"My mom says that sick people make you sicker." Annie never talked about her parents much. I knew she lived with them both and she had a younger brother named George.