The pain club

Part 13...I never wanted this

I looked for him for hours but he was gone. I tried calling him so many times. He never answered.

It was getting so late. So so late. New york wasn't so beautiful when it was silent. It was daunting.

"You got Ash, leave a messege after the bea-" The phone beap blared.

"Ash? Ash where did you go? I lost...I lost you...I can't. ...where'd you go?" I cried. There were tears in my eyes as turned into an alleyway. "Please pick up Ash...please..."

"You ok ms?"

I turned around, putting the phone in my pocket. I nodded, wiping me tears. "Yeah...yeah I just can't find my brother..."

"You lost your brother...awwww" He put his hands on my shoulder, squeezing it. I just kept looking around, expecting to see him again.

"I'll help you look if you want?" He offered. I accepted with a smile. And we began walking further down the alleyway. "Wanna drink?"

Something was wrong. I knew Something was wrong. But my mind was so fucking foggy. Coming off pills was complicated. I took a massive swing off it. The bitter taste rested in my throat.

"Hey maybe let's sit for awhile? They always say you should stay still. ..he might be running around looking for you" The guy was twice my age. He was handsome though.

"No. No I should keep looking." I protested. The man took my hand and kissed it. That was my first trigger warning.

"Honey, you won't find him in this state. Look at you. You're a mess. Sit down"

He sat on a wooden box. I looked around for a seat until I saw him tapping his lap. I knew it was bad. My mind was screaming at me it was bad.

But I couldn't listen.

I sat on his lap as he pulled a smoke out. I hated smoke. I hated people who smoked. But when he offered me one, I took it.

My hands were shaking with worry and i heard it calmed you down. I puffed out the air and coughed a lot. I could feel his hands come around my waist so I smoked more.

I felt his hand go up my top. It snaked its way up to my bra and I didn't stop him. "You like that baby?" He squeezed my boobs. I nodded.

Why did i nod you ask?

This is what I mean about depression. I really didn't care what was going to happen to me next. He could do anything to me and I would go along with it.

"You're so beautiful" He squeezed more and more. I could feel something getting hard in his pants. "So fucking beautiful."

Boys had told me this so many times before. I'm not boasting trust me. It's just what people said to me. I knew people thought that about me.

Didn't mean I believed it.

"Kiss me." He was going to do it anyway. I just wanted to have some control over the situation. His slime tongue wiggled into my mouth and I pretended to love it.

I took off my jacket, revealing the small tank top. He could finally see my chest and it drove him crazy. I began kissing his neck as his hands were all over me.

I just wanted to feel something. Is that bad? I just wanted to feel some kind of feeling because I felt so numb. So fucking numb.

And if sex was gonna make me feel anything. I didn't care who it was with.

I felt his hands go into my trousers. He didn't hesitate around my pants. His fingers slipped under and I moaned. "You like that? Yeah?"

He got rougher. I let him. He took my top off next. Revealing just my bra and he licked my chest. I didn't find it attractive but I went with it. His fingers in my pants were so close to the place, alarms bells went off.

I stood up quickly. Maybe sex wasn't what I should be doing right now. My mind was so misty. He stood up looking at me puzzled. He unbuclked his belt. "It's ok baby, it's ok"

I realised something was in the drink. I stumbled but he caught me. "There there" He wrapped his hands around me and grabbed my ass. "I know what you want. I know what girls like you want."

"No." I said it clearly. Do you hear me? I said it clear as day. He heard me.

"Baby, you want this." I shook my head. I shook it so many times I felt dizzy. But he just made me kneel.

He pulled his pants down and I did the deed. I did just what he wanted. He forced my head in and out as my eyes began to lose focus. He moaned with pleasure and tears streamed down my face.

He was strong. So strong I knew I couldn't fight him. And I wanted it, right? I said I wanted. I told him to kiss me. I let him touch me. I drank the drink.

I wiped my mouth after it as I stayed on my knees. Everything was so blurry. I don't remember bring pushed onto the floor. The floor was stoney and uncomfortable.

He got on top of me and began removing my trousers. They used to be one of my favourites and now I hated them. I was now just laying in my bra and pants. I could hardly see him as he stood over me.

He took a swing from a different flask. The flask he was actually drinking from "You're so sexy"

He climbed on top of me. His bare skin on mine. I felt like was about to pass out but I could hear everything so clearly. "So fun..." He kept saying that. "Baby, we're gonna have so much fucking fun"

I remember him squeezing my breasts again and again they began to hurt. "We take this off, ok?" He wasn't asking for my permission though. He unhooked my bra and pulled it off me.

I had been naked in front of a guy before. Loads of times. I normally felt safe and loved. But this time was so different and so awful. I didn't feel safe. I didn't feel loved.

"Oh baby, so beautiful. So fucking beautiful." He cupped his hands around my bare breasts and I began to cry. I didn't want this.

He could clearly see I didn't want this.

"Baby it won't hurt. I promise you ain't gonna feel a thing. Just let me..." I felt his hands leave one of my breasts and slip down to my legs.

He removed the only bit of fabric I had left on and I finally felt the sheer fear of this situation. His hard body part I could feel in between my legs.
"Sssshhhh" He put his finger on my lips and entried me.

By this point, whatever he had put into that drink, had hit me. My eyes were open but I could only see moving shapes. It was so hard but I could feel him still instead.

"That's it. That's it baby. You love this baby. That's it." He kept kissing my lips but I wasn't kissing him back. I tried pushing him off just a little but he pinned my hands down.

My head rolled to one side as I watching the wall opposite me. Tears slowly fell onto the ground and I knew it didn't matter how hard I screamed, I would never be heard.