Wolfstar // Jegulus One-Shots

5. hidden pain - jegulus

TW - $H and panic attacks

he forgotten what it felt like to have the world fall onto his shoulders, holding the weight of the world like Atlas himself.
he finally knew what it felt like to be okay when he met someone, the only problem was it was his brothers best friend.
not only that but it was a boy
regulus would've been fine being in love, if it wasn't a boy he was in love with.
his mothers words rang in his head. ot was wrong wrong wrong wrong

but god did james feel right

so fucking right

but he fucked up. he couldn't handle it he couldn't be with a boy, but james made him feel so loved. and he couldn't break up with him so he hid. but james always found him. he didn't know how but he did. and every time he made some dumb excuse and left but the 3rd time james was afraid, afraid of loosing regulus so he got angry. told him he needs to tell him what is going on, but regulus just told him he needs to be alone. and it was clear james was hurt.

and regulus didn't want him to hurt so he did the only thing he could to punish himself. he hurt someone else so it was only fair to hurt himself, so he took the blade to his wrist tears flowing down his face and he cut, he cut deep. the blood flowed so fast after 10 cuts he rushed to patch them up, throwing bandages on praying they would hold them back.

but he wanted his boy and regulus didn't know what to do. it killed his insides clenching at his heart suffocating his lungs causing his body to forget to breathe.

his breath. fuck he needed to breathe

goddammit why couldn't he breathe.

regulus choked backed the tears as his tried to get his lungs to breathe but no air would come through, he was dizzy to dizzy, he felt so much but nothing all at once the world on his shoulders fell flat, the earth was no longer there for how could it survive without his sun.

his sun. his james. he needed james. but right now he needed to breathe but he couldn't it was too hard. no breathe would enter his lungs no matter how hard he willed it to be. and for once he wished james would find him again.

"regulus..?"

it was as though his prayers were answered, atleast half of them it was. regulus sat on the floor curled into himself brought up his head to look at james, his eyes flooded with tears, hyperventilating, and shaky.

"oh my god regulus?!?"

help he wanted to scream but he couldn't. he could barley function, his blood was flowing fast and he could feel the effects of it starting to hit his body.

"regulus love" the word stung his heart. he thought he hated him for hurting him. "breathe i need you to breathe please" oh how easy he made it sound. but all regulus could do was shake his head.

"i know it's hard reg, but can you try please, breathe with me yeah?"

his voice was so soft regulus felt like a baby, but that was okay because he was james' baby. he loved james. but it was wrong

right?

"i-i" regulus tried words not being able to leave his tongue.

"it's okay reg, deep breathe yeah? breathe in 1..2..3 there you go.." and it went on. it went on for so long regulus would've been embarrassed if he wasn't so focused on not passing out. "there you go you're okay i got you" and oh the words felt like a warm blanket on his freezing skin, james went to hold his hand, his hand going to wrap around regulus's hand. but the minute it connected he felt a wet sensation gather on his own hand.

and when james looked down. he saw the last thing one would ever wanna see.

"reg? is that.. blood?"

and the tears found there way back to his face.

"i'm sorry i'm so sorry"

"hey hey it's okay reg, it's not your fault"
but james saw the look in his eyes.
"it's not.. right?"

"i'm sorry" reg whispered so much guilt clouding his words.

james looked to his eyes asking for permission, and once he saw the small nod from reg he rolled up his sleeves removing the bandage causing him to gasp.

"oh baby.. why?"

"because i hurt you.."
james was confused by his words "what do you mean?" he questioned

"i hurt you.. and so i hurt myself back because i deserved it."

"oh love. you didn't deserve any of this"

"but i did i hurt you."

"my love" james began and oh the word reg loved so much but hated at the same time.
"you didn't hurt me but i'll admit i don't understand why you ran from me, but i'm sure if you'd tell me i'd understand."

regulus knew he didn't deserve all the love james had to give him. he would soon see it once he told james why he thought, he'll see why he needs to leave me.

"because it's wrong to love a boy all my life i have been told i need to.. love a girl i needed to marry one have a family so my name can live on. and i need my mother to feel proud of me for once. I was supposed to be the savior of the black name. Sirius isn't.. can't be that anymore so it's up to me. ME james. and i'm not doing it right. i'm in love with a boy. and i love him i really fucking do. but it's wrong but god it feels right. james i can't anymore if it's so wrong then why does it feel so right?!"

"i can't answer that reg. all i can tell you is that boy loves you too and he doesn't care if someone else thinks it wrong, becuase to him it also feels right and he wants to be with him."

"why..?"

"becuase you are my world, you are my star, you are the one who i love the most and i need you, i need you so much it hurts me when i have to be away. and it's hurts me more to know you've hurt yourself becuase of the love you have for me. so how about i go help you clean away that pain, starting with you arms, and tonight it can be just me and you doing whatever you desire, becuase i don't want you to keep this pain hidden. i love you reg. and i know it's right."

"promise?"

"promise."