The Human Addiction | Eminem

Doesn't Matter

She's holding the ice pack to her jaw, eyes closed and the ghost of a smile on her face.
She tells me people really are always trying to find epiphanies, quick fixes for their broken lives.
Everything's so easy now.
You can get anything you want with the click of a button.
Now you can see porn at any time you want.
Now you can order any food right to your door.
You don't have to wait for anything.
So no wonder everyone's falling into the hands of some cult.
Whether it's Scientology.
Landmark Education.
NXIVM.
Angel's Landing.
People all think that enlightenment can be bought.
They want self improvement packaged up in those monthly instalment plans.
Or they think they can read one self-help book and have a feeling of awakening.
They convince themselves that suffering is willing and that no one is really a "victim".
They convince themselves of what they need to in order to feel what they think is awareness.

I ask where she's going with this.
We sit at the edge of her bed, our feet propped up on the baseboard.
She stares at me blankly, ice pack pressed over her left eye while the other remains half open.

"I'm saying that we've gotta stop thinking we can be guaranteed happiness." She states, staring down at her gauze covered knuckles.
They've got a softly pink complexion, blood having soaked through the white cotton slightly.
"Suffering isn't a choice. It's unavoidable. The point shouldn't be to convince ourselves we have control when we don't. The point is we should learn to alter our perception of what happens to us..." she's saying, laying down and closing her eyes properly.
"Just fucking give up... not trying- that's not what I mean- I mean give up fighting what's intrinsically inherent in life." She finishes, pulling the ice pack off her eye before she's pressing it on her other eye.

"Yeah but... Tyler, you kinda just jump right into the suffering." I'm observing, laying down next her and staring up at the ceiling.

"I love to know how much I can feel. If I can feel really bad, I know I can feel really good... but it's kinda all blurred now because of that." She mumbles, bringing her hand up in front of her face.
"Everything that's supposed to feel bad just feels so perfect." She slowly grins as I'm wrapping my arms around her waist.
I'm closing my eyes and letting out a long sigh.

I still want Tyler.
With all her weird divots and strange forms of high chasing.
I still want all of her.
I have all of her.
She's my possession, so much more incredible than most.
I want to show her off as mine.
Every time I'm watching her do something I get to feel that heat in my chest because I know she belongs to me only.
And everyone will know that.

I tell her, "I still think you're fucking gorgeous..."
I really do.
She's bruised all over, nose broken and a couple teeth loose in her head.
But it doesn't change anything.
She's all mine.
And she's accepted she's mine.

"I love you, Tyler" I'm humming out, leaning up and pressing my lips to hers softly.
They're torn and scabbed over, not carrying that delicious glossy quality they usually have.
But this doesn't discourage me.
I pull her up closer to the head of the bed before I'm frowning.
"I need to go home... fuck, I wish I could stay the night" I'm sighing, remembering I've got to pick Hailie up from Proof's.
I ask if he'd be willing to watch her just as long as I'm out at the whole boxing thing.
He told me he was jealous because he would've loved to watch her get her shit rocked.
I don't think he would've.

I tell her, "When it's Kim's week with Hailie I swear I'll fucking sleep over every night."
Tyler doesn't seem to have any interest in Hailie or Kim.
I appreciate that.
I hate when bitches are always trying to embed themselves in your lives, wanting to know everything.

"Mhm... well, only four sleeps away" she's saying, leaning up and wrapping her arms around my neck.

"I love you..." I tell her, pressing kisses to the fragile skin of her neck.
"You're just so perfect" I'm adding, grinning down at her.
I don't care what she does to herself.
She's still mine.
Mine and so incredible.