The sleeping man (Hakuouki modern AU - Hijikata)

All or nothing

"I can't do it again. Can't give my heart to someone that doesn't return my feelings."

His eyes popped out of his head and the air rushed out of his lungs when he understood, at last, the monumental error he'd committed. Sarah was as blunt at they came; her first declaration, in font of Yagi house, had been followed by many others. She loved him, and wasn't afraid to tell him. That she would feel comfortable to speak of love always amazed him, for he was a pure product of his cultural background. Japanese men did not speak of feelings, but they showed their affection.

Had she not picked up on those little gestures that screamed his own love for her ? Had cultural shock doomed them from the start ? How could he be so remiss in thinking she would guess how deeply he felt, even though he never voiced it ? The Kansashi he gifted her was a dead giveaway of his intentions... to think he had preened, internally, every time she wore the piece of jewellery when she ignored the significance of such a gift.

Hell, most of his friends considered them married at this point. Everyone knew the strength of his regard for her, except for Sarah...

Is it too late ?

Reaching out, Toshizō clutched her hand and refused to let go. The very pits of hell themselves would not tear him away, not until she knew. But a lifetime of restrictions stalled the words on his tongue.

"Don't bail on me, Sarah. If you go, go because it makes you happy, not because you're afraid."

"But..." she sniffled.

Out of habit, Toshizō fished a tissue out of his pocket and handed it to her.

"Hear me out, please." When she nodded pitifully, he took a deep breath and laid himself bare. "You have the choice. You will always have the choice. But if you are willing to stay... Stay. Stay with me. Move in with me. We can manage the rent, the two of us together."

Hope simmered in her eyes. Yet, he could feel her reluctance, wondering what he really was offering.

"You know what I want, Toshi. You know how demanding I am with your time. If we fail, it will crush us both."

A weary sigh passed his lips, and his hand raked through his hair.

"Sarah. I don't think I could leave the academy, it's my whole life there."

She tried to retreat; he did not allow her to. And so, seeing she couldn't distance herself from him, she chose to settle on his shoulder instead. Her head dropped and she sighed.

"I know. You are passionate, and I want you to be happy."

She understood. She always accepted who he was, and how dedicated to his job, knowing she would never get more of him. Just like a Japanese wife. Except that, instead of bowing to those demands, she faced the dilemma with courage and chose to walk away rather than resent him, ten years from now.

His fingers slid though hers, keeping her captive until he could drill into her head how much he wanted her. Their life. Their future together. A family, even.

Sōji is right, I'm hopeless with women. If Sarah had not run after me, I'd still be a fool of a bachelor.

To think he'd hated that transfer list so badly, only to realise the only reason she was still on it was because he had not pressed his point. Baka, baka, baka ! Perhaps now was an ideal time to speak more plainly.

"I talked to Kondō-san," he started. "Next year, Saitō will graduate. He thinks he can replace me as a Deputy Director."

Sarah perked at this, surprised.