The Affair

Chapter 26

THEODORA'S JOURNAL

May 26th, 2021

Met Benjamin Maddox tonight. I was so nervous, I know he could tell. I've had a crush on him since I was fourteen, but I didn't tell him that. He was just as arrogant and alluring as I had expected him to be. Quite intense, really. There's something about his eyes. Invited me to lunch tomorrow and a movie premiere, but he has more in mind. He practically said outright that he wants to sleep with me and doesn't care that I'm married to Hugh. What does that say about him? For the first time since Hugh and I have been married, I've thought about straying. I wonder if he would care that I'm a virgin. I think he would be flabbergasted, really, given the fact that I'm married...

May 27th, 2021

Benjamin kissed me. We were tucked away and he touched me and kissed me in a way I've never been kissed before. I don't understand how a stranger could make me feel things like this. Part of me doesn't want to go to the premiere tonight. I'm frightened. He's so difficult to read, but I can see such a sadness behind his eyes. I wonder if he can tell that I can see it. He's heavily guarded...

May 28th 2021

I feel like a teenager writing down that I've experienced my first orgasm at the age of 22, but he walked me home after our failed attempt to make love. It didn't go any further than him touching me. We discussed being Catholic and how neither of us practice any longer. He's much more comfortable with the fact that he's left religion behind. I hope I can do that, too. He seemed stunned that I was a virgin, frightened by it, as I knew he would be...

June 5th, 2021

Drunk as I'm writing this down while Hugh is working in his office. Bumped into B. while I was on a walk around the park. We have so much tension between us and I wish he would just take me to bed already, but I can't say that to him. He's so intimidating at times, yet he can be so sweet. He makes me feel desired. He kissed me and touched me and I thought I would melt in my little place behind the trees...

June 7th, 2021

Had another dream about B that made me orgasm in my sleep. How many is that now? I've lost count and I called him and told him. He invited me over, as I had hoped he would. I thought that would be it, we were finally going to make love, but his sister happened to be there. She surprised him by coming on an overnight flight and I thought I would die. Does he know how badly I want him? I...

June 10th, 2021

Missed a few days of writing. We finally made love. Don't think I can put into words how good it felt. I was certainly right about him being closed off, but I think he wants to be open with me. He hurt me after, but apologized rather quickly. I think he meant it. I don't think he knows how to feel things like a well adjusted man would. He told me about The Lover, who would have guessed it was nonfiction? And about him? It made me feel so desperately sorry for him. I felt so guilty after we made love, but that feeling didn't last. I wanted more, so I don't know how to feel. I thought of Hugh, but if Hugh can't give me this...

June 15th, 2021

I really think B. and I have a rhythm. I'm so comfortable with him. He seems to go to great lengths to make me feel that way. I'm insatiable for him. He is for me, too. We make love and fuck, as he says often, as much as we can. I'm in love with him. Can I be in love with two men at once? No. I'm no longer in love with Hugh, but I still love him. I care for him as a friend. It saddens me slightly, but I'm too caught up in B. to deal with feeling guilty...