The Affair

Chapter 32

It's a late, snowy afternoon on March the 3rd. It would be like any other day we've spent together,  except for the fact that she has been in active labor since this morning. Her water broke while she was sleeping and that was the start. It's all progressed relatively quickly.

I'm dressed down to a pair of sweatpants and slippers. She's wearing nothing except for one of her nursing bras. On her hands and knees in the floor of our bedroom, I'm knelt behind her, rubbing her back gently, while telling her softly that she needs to breathe.

Between every few breaths she takes, she's groaning. She's uttered the phrase I don't think I can do this more times than I can count. Each time I've responded that she can do it and she will. The home birth was her idea, after all. I had objected to it somewhat, thinking a hospital would be safer, but she was adamant that she wanted to do it this way.

"Is it too late for an epidural?"

She asks this in the most pain filled voice and I look to her gynecologist, Dr. Campbell, who's doubling as her midwife. There are also two young nurses here, just to be safe. I don't know anything about an epidural or the qualifications of when you can have one, but she shakes her head.

"You're already eight centimeters dilated. Too far along now, Theodora. You can do this. You're almost there. We should probably move to the tub, in fact."

Just then she cries out in so much agony, a scream, and I hold her tightly. Tears have come to my eyes today an innumerable amount of times. I quickly wipe them away as I help her to stand. She can barely walk as we go from our bedroom to the bathroom. Our tub has been filled, with the warmer keeping it at a steady temperature, and I help her ease into the water slowly.

I run a cool washcloth across her forehead, down her flushed cheeks, and hold a straw that's in a glass of ice water to her mouth. She takes a gulp before holding her hand out to me. I take it instantly, her grip fierce, as she screams again.

"I don't want to do this. I can't do this."

It's a pitiful sob that's followed by another contraction. I know when they happen because she squeezes my hand so hard that it hurts while she screams. I kiss her forehead, which is salty and slick with sweat, and then her lips.

"You're the strongest person I know, darling," I whisper. "You can do this. She'll be here in no time. Our little girl is going to be here. God, you're so brave. And fucking beautiful."

I search her face and see the smallest flitter of a smile before she screams again. It's true. I'm in awe of her. I certainly couldn't do this. I have a high threshold for pain, but this is beyond what I would be capable of handling. She's basically being split open so that she can bring a human being into this world I find that to be nothing short of amazing.

"She's coming, Benjamin," she says suddenly. "She's coming."

A sense of panic and fear comes over me, but I do my best not to show it. Campbell confirms quickly that it's time to start pushing, has knelt down beside of me with gloves on, and directs her to start pushing.

She grips the side of the tub with one hand, holds mine in the other, and screams as she pushes. For a moment I am left speechless, but quickly get my bearings back, and wrap my arm around her shoulders.

There's a pause, followed by her pushing again, screaming, and Campbell reaching between her legs. I hold my breath and watch as she tells her she just needs to push one more time. I think to myself that's crazy, it's happening so quickly, and I'm gasping at the sight of our baby being lifted out of the water.

Her cries are piercing and I sob, both of us are sobbing, as she's quickly placed on Theodora's chest. I take one of the towels that are folded at my feet and shake it open, place it on her, and watch. I'm in awe again at this... person that we've made. She's unexplainably beautiful, covered in some sort of goop, as well as blood. In this moment there's a shift I can feel happen inside of me. I go from loving only Theodora immensely to loving this little girl more than I have ever loved anyone or anything.

I can't stop crying. I kiss Theodora, then Phoebe, who has slowly begun to stop her crying. She has a head full of thick red hair. The rush of adrenaline that I feel begins to wear off the moment I realize she's okay, Theodora is okay, everything is okay. I was so frightened something would go wrong or something would happen and it hasn't. It's all so perfect.

I can't take my eyes off of her. It's a mixture of wonder and awe and a love so intense that I can't even explain it to myself.

"Oh my god. She's so perfect," I whisper. "Look at her."

"She looks just like you, Benjamin. With my hair."

Now that she says that I see that yes, she does look like me. My baby pictures, which Theodora and I looked at recently, resemble her greatly. It makes me cry even harder. I look her face over while she stares up at Theodora. Her eyes are dark and her face is chunky, rounded, adorable. I stare at her fingers and touch them gently, marveling at how small they are.

I'm handed a pair of surgical scissors as Campbell takes the towel off of Phoebe. My hands are shaking as she straightens the umbilical cord, which I then cut. I hesitate to take her from Theodora, but she holds her toward me, and she's in my arms. She stares up at me the same way she stared at Theodora, with those big eyes, and I smile through my tears.

"Oh, darling... I can't believe we made this."

I show her to her, as if she didn't just give birth to her, and stare at her. I'm so full of admiration and love for her. It's brimming over. She's given me this beautiful little girl that we created, she grew her inside of her body with great care, and somehow she's had the strength to bring her into this world.

I kneel down again and kiss her softly on the lips, over and over again, repeatedly.

"I love you so much. I told you that you could do it. I am so proud of you."

She kisses me back and then we both kiss Phoebe. After some time we have moved into the bedroom. We don't clean her, at Theodora's request, but weigh her, get both a footprint and handprint, and then put her into a diaper. I sit beside her on the bed as she breastfeeds her, watching closely. That feeling of being awed and wowed just keeps happening. As Campbell makes sure Theodora is okay, I watch that, too. She has some slight tearing that has to be stitched up, but nothing major, which is a relief for me. We had all the usual worries, but I'm thankful everything seems to have gone so smoothly. 

I'm struck by how everything also seems so quiet and normal. One moment she was pregnant and now she isn't and our baby is here. Our lives have shifted and changed and it's happened so quickly. It's unbelievable. Even before she was born, I felt this immense need to protect her, even though Theodora was already doing that with ease. Now that she's here, that feeling has come over me tenfold. I'll do anything for her. I'm already wrapped around her finger, just as I am Theodora's. 

As I hold her and kiss her, I think of how this was never the life I wanted, being a husband, someone's father... yet now it's a life that I couldn't imagine ever living without.

_____

This was a relatively short chapter, I know. And a bit of a time jump. The next chapter will also be a time jump. I felt it important to show Benjamin's excitement at being a father. I based his reactions on the way my husband behaved after both of our daughters were born. I think that makes it more realistic to use my own life experiences. 

I hope you all enjoy. I'll try to have some more chapters published soon. In case you didn't know, I have started an Instagram account to give updates, sneak peeks, and just overall engagement with readers. Follow me at daddyswritergirl if you're interested. Love to you all! Happy reading!