The Affair

Chapter 37

Her face is the first thing I see.

Darling. Beauty. Perfection.

I close my eyes tightly and bring a hand to my face. There are tears on my cheeks that she's wiping away with one of her hands, while she cradles my head with the other.

"Honey, Benjamin, you're alright."

I mutter her name and when I try to sit up, a nurse is easily pushing me back down.

"You fainted, sir. Take a minute to get your bearings."

I look from the nurse back to Theodora, close my eyes again, and keep them that way. It all comes back to me in quick succession. The horrendous news we've just learned. Her mortality.

Twelve to eighteen months... twelve... eighteen...

That's nothing. That's no time. Not enough when we planned for an entire lifetime together.

Oh, Phoebe. Oh, god. She's not even two yet. No. She can't lose her mother. We can't lose her.

I'm being helped up soon after, offered water and a wet washcloth, both of which I refuse, and sit back where I was before. I stare at the doctor as he sits back down behind his desk. It's as if it didn't even happen now, we're back to where we were, sitting in silence.

"I'm sorry. I... the shock of the news just... it overwhelmed me," I whisper. "I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize, Mr. Maddox. It's quite common."

I run my hands through my hair, across my face, and sit forward with my elbows on my knees. The effects of fainting are still lingering, but I do my best to think with a clear head.

"What is her chance for survival?"

"Slim to none," he says quietly.

"Chemotherapy? Is that an option since surgery isn't?"

"I don't recommend chemotherapy. It could prolong her time, but not by much. Simply put, it won't be a cure, Mr. Maddox. And it will just make her quality of life plummet more than it will anyway."

I close my eyes tightly... and feel enraged as I open them.

"What is your fucking purpose, then? If you can't save her or help her, what the fuck is your job? To tell us she won't live? That she's going to fucking die?"

He doesn't speak, but I can tell I've made him uncomfortable. Theodora squeezes my hand gently and I look to her. The way she's looking back at me, teary eyed and sad, seems to calm me. She doesn't want me angry. But how can I not be? This is... bullshit. It's shit. How can nothing be done? How can there not even be a chance? Can it really be so cut and dry and final?

That's what's making my chest hurt. The finality of this diagnosis. She'll die and that's it and I can't do anything to stop or prevent it. It's just out of my hands.

"Mr. Maddox, I understand your frustration. If I had the power to help her myself, I would. I'm giving you the facts. This tumor is one of the most aggressive types. There just isn't any way around that. I truly am very sorry."

Tears begin to sting my eyes and slide down my cheeks as I nod my head slowly. What more can I say? He's made it perfectly clear. But I'm so angry, I'm such anguish, that I think of climbing over the top of his desk and striking him in the face until I feel better. I would have to hit him forever, over and over again, until her tumor magically disappears before that would happen.

I'll never feel better again. Or good. Or happy.

"Mrs. Maddox, we can discuss options for chemotherapy if that's something you'd like."