The Affair

Chapter 36

It's a slow, quiet, dreary afternoon.

I'm sitting on the sectional in our living room, Theodora is lying beside of me with the side of her face resting against my thigh, and Phoebe is snuggled into her body. I stroke Theodora's hair easily, repetitively, while I stare down at her profile. She's exhausted, fast asleep, and so is Phoebe.

Just this morning we were still in the hospital and were told it was okay to come home while we await the results of her CAT scan. She was elated and so was I. Being home makes me feel as if everything is perfectly normal. My anxiety is still lingering below the surface, but right now things feel okay. I'm trying to do what she asked me and think of the best. I've expected the worst and prepared for the worst for a majority of my life. But for a while now, since we found our way back to one another, I've expected positive outcomes from nearly everything. This is the first situation in some time that I've felt quite negatively about.

Her phone is sitting on the coffee table and I find myself stealing glances at it, waiting for the doctor to call. I'm unsure if they'll tell us over the phone or want us to come back in. I don't know what the protocol is for this. I assume for bad news they'll want to tell her in person. Good news would be fine to tell someone over the phone. But I just don't know.

Sophie is here in New York, staying with Kiera. As soon as she got my message she dropped everything, booked a flight, and came all the way from London to be here. I told her that wasn't really necessary, but have found that it's a comfort to have her pretty well close by.

As if she knows I'm thinking of her, my phone begins to buzz, and it's her calling. I slip away from my girls as easily as I can and walk quietly out of the room. I go out the front door and sit on the stairs.

"I'm sorry I slept so long, Ben," she says as soon as I pick up. "How is she?"

I shake my head.

"It's a long flight, Soph. Is the jet lag wearing off?"

"Yes, I think so. How is she feeling?"

I shrug and sigh.

"She seems perfectly normal. It's like nothing even happened, aside from the fact she has to take that seizure medicine."

I quickly stop myself. I don't want to say too much, though I should since she's come all this way. I should tell her whatever she wants to know. I would prefer to not speak at all. I can't retreat into myself the way I used to when I felt this way. I have a family now and am responsible for more than just myself.

"She's actually just sleeping," I mutter. "With Phoebe, on the couch."

I haven't told her that Phoebe saw Theodora in the floor the way she did. She would want to talk about that and make connections between that and myself. About me seeing our mother in a similar, but self inflicted state.

"Do you want me to come that way? Do you need me?"

"No, I... not yet. When we get the call from her doctor it would be a great help if you could watch Phoebe. But we'll bring her there so you don't have to drive all the way out here."

"I wouldn't mind the drive," she says quietly.

But I don't want her here now. I'm liable to cry again the way I did with Hugh. I don't want that or the uncomfortableness that would come along with it. We don't know what's wrong with Theodora or if anything is wrong and I just can't talk about it.

"It's okay. Her doctor should call tomorrow. Maybe even this evening. I'll be sure to let you know."

I look back at the sound of the door opening and see Theodora there, staring at me as she rubs her tired eyes.