The Affair

Chapter 42: The End

Three Years

It's a beautiful day. The sky is blue with thin white clouds, the sun shining through them. It's warm and comfortable, but not too hot. It's the end of summer, almost October. I've wished, as I do every single day, that Theodora were here with me to enjoy it.

The sound of Phoebe squealing makes me shift my gaze from the clouds to where she is. Running across the front yard, while Taylor chases behind her. I smile for the first time today. Phoebe is giggling loudly, screaming, and having so much fun. I love when she's like this. She's such a happy child. I've done my best to see to that and it's worked.

Although, I think, I couldn't have done it without Taylor. A pang of guilt hits me in the stomach for even having that thought, but it's true. Theodora wanted her to help me with Phoebe and she has. Immensely. And I couldn't have done it without Phoebe. If she weren't here, if we hadn't had her, I would have ended my life when Theodora passed.

Leaving here was the only way I could even attempt to start to function, to try to heal, and be a father and cope. It was one of the hardest decisions I've ever made. To leave our home, the place where she's buried, and go across the world without her. But it's what was best.

I couldn't stop drinking. I couldn't stop having panic attacks and thoughts of ending my life were rampant. It was life or death for me and I had to choose to stay alive for our daughter. I know she would understand and have been so supportive of my decision, but that doesn't stop the guilt from returning. I didn't even ask Taylor to come. I told her we were leaving and she just came with us. I didn't object. Theodora wouldn't have wanted me to, I know that.

A car is coming up the drive and it catches my eye. It only takes me a moment to recognize the person driving it as it gets closer. Taylor's boyfriend, who came a handful of times to visit her when she was living with us in London. He'd stay for a week at a time and I'd give her that time off to go and do whatever she pleased.

I watch as he parks and gets out and starts slowly up the yard toward them. He hadn't visited in the last three months that we were there and I'd wondered if they had stopped seeing each other. I expect them to kiss, at least hug, but they do neither. She stops running and they stand with each other, watching Phoebe continue to run in circles.

When they do hug it seems as though it's an uncomfortable one, over quite quickly, and he kisses her cheek. I clear my throat and shout across the yard.

"I'm going to go for a walk. Keep an eye on Phoebe, okay?"

She nods and waves at me. I walk the length of the property, slowly, until I reach Theodora's headstone. As I kneel down in front of it and place my hand on top of it, I begin to cry. My wedding band gleams in the sun. I've never taken it off, not a single time.

"I'm sorry I've been gone for so long, my darling... but I'm back now."

I kiss the inside of my hand, then press it against the warm stone. I idly think about getting a wet washcloth and cleaning it, as well as getting a bouquet of flowers to put here. I'm also going over what book I'm going to bring out here to read to her, but I already know. The new book I've started. The one about us and our love story. It's in the early stages and I know it will be the last book I'll ever write. My muse is gone, but I'm capable of writing about her at least.

"Let me tell you everything that's happened since we've been gone..."

And I do. I tell her about Phoebe's room at our London flat. Decorated in pinks and purples with so many toys. Just like her room here. I tell her how her vocabulary has exploded, she's speaking in sentences now, knows her numbers, and her ABC's. I tell her she calls me daddy now instead of dada. I tell her that we look at pictures of her every night before bed. I tell her that I talk about her often, tell her stories about her mother, and how beautiful she was. I tell her I can't remember the last time I was drunk.