nothing I have loved has ever been safe, yet I still chose to love for love's sake
and every single person or thing that came in
couldn't love me back, that's where my pain begins
we look up to our parents first, they become much like idols
but when we become adults, we see they were not perfect, end up becoming rivals.
thinking their parenting is correct; yet only repeating cycles
silently hoping that they could protect, and pray that things don't spiral.
they do the best they can with what they grew to know.
based on life experiences, they experienced long ago.
making sure that "love" was the seed they'd plant to grow.
but what happens when you get to a certain point and feel you know nothing but lies.
you see the world as it is, but this time through your own eyes.
once they were your muse, but that part of you has died.
you just bank on the thoughts that they were really on your side.
being a mother myself, I know my parents tried.
I realize that I wasn't a perfect child, they didn't know who I'd become.
I tried like hell to remember where I actually came from
but this depression is gripping, it's smothering me.
every time I rise a little, it's grip rips until I bleed.
so I reach for the hands that always rescued me.
only this time, there's no one there..
I try to catch a breath, but only grasp for air.
it's not their job to save me now, somehow I wasn't prepared.
so I humbly gather the strength to pull myself out of despair
and quietly try to sever my life, for my son, I have to
repair.
warn him of the evil so he's not unaware.
my parents never promised that this life would be fair
but they did promise to always be there.
I forgive them for not understanding;
as I also thank them.
Had they not raised me... who knows if I would still be standing?
being a parent doesn't come with instructions
what family do you know without a little dysfunction?
becoming an adult is actually somewhat hard.
you hold onto to so much pain, you count all of your scars.
we really feel we had it rough
but as the years keep going, we see way worse stuff.
our hearts are broken by so many and before you know it,
your friends become your enemies
you try your hardest to keep your smile, but they're just aren't many remedies.
you can hold onto the hurt or you can hold on to your memories.
I hope you choose happiness, and set better boundaries.
life is a mystery, it's been one heck of a journey. when I was little I thought I would be married at thirty.
here I am, almost 40 and cannot seem to get a decent date.
I figured out how to love myself a little too late.
if I don't love me, surely no one will. i know that sounds clique, but this time, it's me I will build.
what I have found through all of my pain, being alone is better than remaining the same. We all have things we could stand to change, I hope one day my idols are proud of the woman tht I became.
at the end of the day, after all my shame and even my pain, after the times I felt betrayed, I think finding ME was actually my fate.
so; when I set myself free of these shackles and chains, I'll make sure I look you in the eye so you know I am not afraid!
SNLpoetry
01/2023
