The Meal Plan

Chapter 15

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Here's another chapter. This one is dedicated to advaytmenon - Special thanks for voting on each and every chapter in this book :) Seriously, thanks a lot!

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Sharanya Mullassery ©2012-2013

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I knew I had to lose weight and stay away from food. However, Staying away from food was not easy. My stomach screamed at me every time my nose caught a whiff of the sweet aroma of food.  Whenever I felt I was about to give in to food, I recalled each and every taunt, hatred and discrimination I had to endure for being fat. Those memories were enough to switch off my appetite. I made a long list of those memories, wrote them down on a sheet of paper and carried it around with me. Every time I was met with an uncontrollable urge to eat an ice-cream or a strip of bacon, I read and re-read this list till I felt miserable enough to hate the very food tempting me!

I couldn’t avoid food completely. I had to eat food so as to not appear like a freak. So, I obsessively counted calories of every morsel of food that passed my lips and started exercising. My safe foods were apples, lettuce, diet Pepsi and sugar free chewing gums. My breakfast and dinner were small bowls of soup while my lunch usually consisted of a fruit and diet coke. I drank several bottles of water and chewed on ice chips and sugar free gums to trick my body into believing that I ate. I also did sit ups and leg lifts in my room, secretly. I even bought a scale on which I hopped at least 3 times a day to check my weight. I told my mom and convinced her somehow that I was on a diet, counted calories and ate plenty of vegetables and fruits instead of cooked meals. She was oblivious to my ED and being the poor woman she was, she believed me.  I felt a tinge of guilt when I lied to her but I had no other choice.

After a month, I found myself weighing 138 pounds. At 5’5’’ and 138 ponds, I was at a BMI considered to be healthy and fabulous for my height. For the first time in my life, I was NOT overweight. I was normal! I felt like I achieved something that was impossible!

So that morning, I walked to school with a bit of a jaunt in my step. I wore my favorite "flattering" outfit---a high-waisted white skirt with thin black stripes from the Gap, and a loose-ish black top, ruffled near the neckline. My outfit was complete with my maroon-colored wedge heels-my personal favorites--and my overlarge maroon sunglasses to match. I felt on fire that day. Unstoppable. I felt great. It was one of those mornings where everything seemed to go my way. So, when I ran into my hairdresser, it seemed like such an uncanny and pleasant surprise.

"NEVE!!!" she shrieked, in her girlish, glam way. "Oh my gosh, girl, how have you been???"

I smiled, took off my headphones, and stood up tall. "Hey, girl!" I said. "I've been great, how are you doing???"

She smiled and nodded. As she started detailing her new salon plans and her love life, I thought to myself “Wow, one day I want to look like her…” Jealous of her tight figure and her great hair, I listened and was happy for her. And then the conversation quickly turned. 

"So I saw your mom the other day! She told me you've been trying to lose weight! That is SO GREAT, girl! You look amazing! How much weight have you lost?" she said, in an encouraging, bubbly way.

I felt my smile tighten, and my eyes narrow under my sunglasses.

What?

Trying not to appear ruffled, I quickly responded, "Oh, no, it's not really like that! I've just been eating healthy, that’s all....Idk, maybe like a couple pounds? I'm not really trying or anything."

She shook her head and gave me one of those "oh please, girl" looks. "NEVE, don't be crazy girl, you look like you've lost a ton of weight! You must have been dieting like crazy! Your mom is so proud of you! She was telling me you count calories and all that... She's like so happy!"

My now non-smile tightened even more. Thank goodness I was wearing sunglasses, otherwise I'm sure my hard look would have betrayed me. Hungry Neveah inside me laughed cockily. 

“Hahahahaha” She taunted. “See, no matter how much weight you lose, you'll never be normal. Even if you get to your goal weight, you'll never just be Neveah. That Future Neveah stuff is bull shit. You'll always be "darling Neve who has lost so much weight and we are so proud of her!"

I was livid. “Shut the fuck up, fatty” I thought. But it was no use. My thoughts derailed on me. 

“Don't you see? They only are so proud of you now, because you're skinny. Because you're like THEM. You're not embarrassing anymore. You're not “Neveah who-could-be-so-pretty-if-she-was-thinner”, or "darling Neveah, poor thing- is so chunky" They don't really love YOU. They just love that now they don't have to be embarrassed of you. They can brag about you” 

Behind my sunglasses, a tear came to my eye. But I didn’t let it betray me. I pulled myself together, quickly-this whole thought process probably only took 2 seconds in my head-and said "Well, I don’t know, my mom probably just overreacted. I haven't really been doing anything like that. Just eating more veggies and fruits, is all!"

My hairdresser nodded, unconvinced, I could see it in her eyes. "Well, you look great, girl! Keep it up!!! I have to go, though! Have a great day!"  And she walked off, clutching her Chanel bag, and rocking her stilettos. 

Now that I was alone, Hungry Neveah pounced.

“You might as well give up. They'll never see you as a normal person. They'll always see you as someone who had to be "fixed"--like an alcoholic who went to rehab or something. They don't love you as you--so why try?”

For a brief second, I agreed with her. But then, Future Neveah appeared.

“DON'T LISTEN TO THAT BITCH!” she screamed in my head, losing her cool but retaining her perfect made-up image in my head. “You're not DOING this for them. Who gives a shit if they never see you as a normal person? And guess what, they probably won't. But this isn't about them. It's about YOU. And it's about ME. That wedding dress you always picture yourself in one day? Yea, well, fatty Neveah certainly won't be able to wear it. And don't you want to be a good example for the kids you have one day? And besides, no one will take you seriously at life if you're fat. You HAVE TO DO THIS, Neve. FOR ME. FOR YOU. Not for them”

I straightened up, and smiled a bit. She was right, that Future Neveah... She always was.

But as I walked to work, Hungry Neveah locked back up in her cage in my mind, and Future Neveah patting me on the back, encouraging me forward, I grew angry.

 “Why do people CARE if I lose weight? I'm the same fucking person” I thought to myself.

Why couldn't people see me as a normal person? Why were people so much happier with me, now that I had begun to lose a significant amount of weight? 

I had the realization, then, that I'd probably carry that tag with me for the rest of my life - Neveah, who used to be overweight.  And overcome, I burst into tears. I didn't want to be that person. I just wanted to be me. I hated that being overweight put that label on me-stuck it to me forever. Just like everyone always think of Jennifer Hudson as that singer who used-to-be-fat, I would always be Neveah who used-to-be-fat. I hated all those forays into the pantry, all the missed workouts, and all the vegetables I had never eaten growing up, that made me into this overweight hungry monster.

I'd never shake her... No matter what I did.