My husband died, on the day I thought that I'd finally start a new life, the day I thought I'd finally be liberated from everything that enslaved me, he left me forever.
I wanted to erase him from my life, and start off with a clean slate, but this wasn't the ending I wanted.
I sat there in utter disbelief as I stared at the paramedics put his lifeless body on the gurney, slid it into the ambulance and closed the door. I couldn't move off my knees which had pulled to the ground, until a few standbys had to forcefully carry me off the road.
Day of the funeral
The only people who knew about our divorce were his parents. Everyone was gathered around his casket. His mother who could barely stand was grieving hard while her husband gave her the support to stand up. The grave yard was filled with people, some who even flew here from miles away. And I continued to play the role of his wife in front of all these people who were unaware of our divorce throughout the funeral. And he became a little sapling.
"You've been through a lot today, dear." The rain that was dripping on my head was covered by the shadow of an umbrella. I turned around to see his mother. Not one tear was on her cheeks. Her eyes were swallowed. But her lips, were upturned. She stuck her hand out to me, she was holding a wallet, his wallet. "Would you like to keep this?" she asked. The question felt unreal. "It's fine. You should keep it." I insisted in a rush.
"I know it may feel strange to have something that belongs to someone dead. But I want you to see this." she forced the wallet into my palm and told me to open it.
Huh?
I opened the wallet to see a picture of me. The one I took in my wedding dress. My corner of my mouth were slightly lifting, but there was no other sign of my smile.
Why is this here? In his wallet.
My thoughts ended when the voice of his mother once again spoke. "I was told that Carden held the wedding ring tightly till the very end. To be honest, it made me wonder if he didn't want to get divorced..."
That can't be...
He...
"We made a promise with Carden a long time ago. He promised to obey us his whole life...in return he asked us not to say anything about his marriage, and the woman he introduced as his future wife...was you, Evelyn. Carden was someone who hardly opened up about his feelings. He even shut us out sometimes. He rarely expressed his dislike directly. But he almost never expressed what he liked. Carden had many close friends, but it seemed like he hardly opened up to them as well. And then one day, he brought home a lovely young lady, which was you, Evelyn. And so I felt grateful towards you. I was very fond of you. Carden made it very clear to me that I should never nag at or bother you with anything. That's why I never called you with ease." She said as she held onto my hand firmly. She looked into my eyes with greater appreciatios. My mother-in-law wasn't hostile towards me, but neither did she show me much affection. I guess that was why.
"You divorced him because life was too hard. But I hope you won't hate Carden too much. It would have been nice if the marriage remained as a happy memory. I'm sorry. Happy birthday Evelyn." I didn't dare remain eye contact as she walked away.
It's my first time hearing this. You never gave me a clue. Even on the day everything began for us. If I knew you better back then, would things have turned out differently for us? Could I have stopped you from dying?
"Wise choice." he said as he stuck his hands forward, I held onto them maintaining eye contact. His eyes were cold, but his hands were warm.
But why?...
"Thanks for dropping me off. You should go back to your office now." Alicia brushed my arm as she said "Alright, I'll just watch you go in."
"Huh, what's that?" she said. Smells like flowers. No way. I turned around to see a flower basket near my apartment door. Not once did I cry throughout Cardens entire funeral. I felt like I shouldn't cry. Like I didn't have the right to shed tears. Just tell me why you sent this flower basket for me. I fell down onto my knees as my head fell into my palms and tears kept shedding down. Alicia bent down next to me repeating if I'm okay. I reached for the envelope on top of the flowers.
Happy birthday Evelyn.
Alicia installed me in my bed she insisted she stay, but she had a job to attend so I let her go. I let my back fall onto the bed and stared endlessly at the ceiling.
"Stop thinking about useless things. It didn't mean anything." I told myself. He didn't have any feelings for me. Why did he look at me like that before getting....
Why didn't you tell me anything? Why were you always so cold to me? Why did you make me give up on you? Why? I have so many questions to ask you. If I can, I want to go back in time, and ask him when he's still alive. He divorced me without any objections. He didn't love me. What was I to him? Why did he come to see me that day? Why did he apologise to me that day when we got divorced? Why did he try picking up the wedding ring? Why?
Once again, without my consent my body took control on its own. It collapsed on the floor as water kept dripping down. And questions...regrets came to my mind. One minute- no just ten seconds. If only I got to him just ten seconds earlier, what would have happened? Why didn't I get to him faster, and stop him? At that moment...why did he...why did he stop and look at me? Why...
