LUCIOUS & COOKIE: TUG OF WAR (REMASTERED)

THE ELDEST SON

The fresh smell of pine needles filled my nose as the temperate air flowed in through my open car window. Mom is pregnant, wow that wasn't something that I was expecting to hear.

Shoot, I didn't even know that those two had been messing around with one another like that again, but then again, I'm not really surprised because before Mom went to prison, those two couldn't keep their hands off each other. They were always hugged up somewhere, making out, or Dad was always slapping her on her butt when she walked by. I would hear them in my room late at night sometimes and well let's just say that the word reserved would never have been used to describe their antics after a certain hour when we lived back in Philly.

I honestly didn't know how either of them ever had any energy the next day, but every morning mom would hit the ground running to fix breakfast and get me and Jamal ready for school. If things could have stayed like that, I'm sure that everything would have been different for me in regard to this illness that plagues my existence.

Rhonda always makes sure that my medication is properly calibrated, that I take everything as strictly prescribed, and monitors me for any unusual symptoms. After the breakdown I suffered a few months back I've been visiting Dr. Sirock, my psychiatrist, three times a week. He adjusted my meds to a higher strength and for the most part I feel pretty good, I've never really liked taking those pills though because I always felt and still do feel as if they slow me down.

I feel like my head's clearer and sharper without them and that I'm ten times better at my job when my brain's allowed to flow freely. Unfortunately, I don't really have much of a choice in the matter because I can't control the sharp swing in my emotions without them.

Although, despite mom's apprehension, music therapy is extremely beneficial for me. Working with Michelle, I've unlocked something I've never been able to identify with...something that I can see within Mal's eyes when he's in front of a piano and thinks no one's watching. 

She helped me unlock the music.  Which, like most of us Lyons, seems to flow through my veins as well but just in a different way.

A musical mixture that Michelle put together for me when I got discharged roaring through the speakers, I decided to drive myself around today so that I can clear my head and be alone with my thoughts. There's so much going on that I just need some time to myself to process it all.

The day Cookie got sent away had to be the worse day of my life, I remember her telling me and Jamal to never forget that she loved us, and I never did. When things got their darkest and this illness started to beat me down my mind would always drift back to that day, and her words.

I could never convince myself to go visit her in jail, not that I didn't want to, it was just that.... well things at home were crazy. That night when we got back home from her sentencing, I think we all cried ourselves to sleep, even Lucious. He locked himself in their room and didn't come out for a week straight, the few times we saw him he was so drunk or so high I don't even think he knew we were there.

Aunt Carol, Uncle Vernon, and Bunky came over to look after us during the daytime but at night I had to feed Hakeem, change his diapers in the wee hours of the morning, or comfort his cries. He was a baby, so there was no way for him to comprehend why the mother he was used to wasn't there to calm him anymore.

That stress was a lot for an eleven-year-old to handle. Eventually, Uncle Vernon dragged dad out of his room and back into the studio, but he wasn't the same. It was like he was an emotionless robot sailing through life on cruise control.

As time passed, Lucious just simply emotionally checked out on me and my brothers. I found it easier to not think about or even mention Cookie because every time I did, anger would swell inside of me towards my father. I've always blamed him for her having to go away and even to this day I still do. No, he didn't force her to take that charge for him, but he should have never introduced her to the dope game in the first place. Regardless, what was done was done, she's here now and I'm honestly just glad to have her back in my life.