Unbecoming

Watch It

"Rae."

The voice was muffled and distant, the effects of the much needed pill taking hold almost instantly on my already tired mind.

"RAE!? Are you listening to me?" Fingers clicked in front of my dazed face as I slowly started to register the world around me again, the effects of the pill I had taken only minutes before dissipating slightly and softening the edges of my vision.

My best friend, Arlo, sat across from me in the small cafe we had found ourselves in, we both had a small plate of food infront of us. I was picking at mine, not really feeling all that hungry and Arlo was gulfing it down like they hadn't eaten a day in their life (which isn't true because I do the cooking for us both), stopping only to snap me back in to existence.

"You high again?" Their voice came dripping with concern, this wasn't a rare sight for them. They'd probably spent more time with me high then they had with me sober these days and honestly I felt kinda bad about it, they were a good friend but I just couldnt deal with much sober.

I only smiled lazily at them, giving them a sluggish thumbs up, "You know how it is Arlo. S'the only way I can breathe." The slur was only slightly noticeable, a passing stranger would think nothing of it but Arlo knew better.

"You say that Rae, but I'm worried about you." I let out a sigh of something akin to annoyance, having heard this a multitude of times before, "I'm only trying to look out for you."

Obviously I knew this, and underneath the annoyance and the feeling that it really didn't matter, I was grateful that at least one person cared. And despite seeming entirely untethered to anything, Arlo was my anchor and they had helped me through my lowest of points, which I would forever be grateful for.

"I don't need you to look out for me. I'm a grown ass woman, I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself." I hadn't meant to sound as angry as I did, but by the look on Arlo's face I knew I'd hurt them.

"Yeah well it doesn't always seem like it. I'm sorry for fucking caring Raene but it's not as if you can care for your fucking self, is it?"

"I'm going out for a smoke, don't follow me." My fuse was short today and I really couldn't be bothered, I placed a couple of bills on the table with my half eaten plate of food and left towards the door. This wasn't a full on argument, we would both realise how stupid we were and I would somehow blame my short temper on the pills and then we would apologise and make up. That is how it always went.

For now, I walked to the side of the building and let out a small sigh of air, the effects of the pills I'd taken had a tight grasp on my sense of self and warped the world in a certain way that made everything seem bigger than it actually was, I was definitely tripping.

I wasn't sure what I'd been given, only asking who I got from for something strong enough to tide me over for a few hours before the hell that is work started and I'd have to deal with dodgy patrons for a good 5 to 6 hours.

Working at a bar had its perks of course. I was allowed to play a Friday gig when service was a lot less busy and there where more staff in, and I had easy access to alcohol if I ever wanted it. It wasn't a bad job, but I hated dealing with people for as long as I had to.

Letting the thought of work go for half an hour before my shift started, I pulled out a packet of cigarettes and lit one up, breathing in the cancerous life saver and closed my eyes. I allowed myself a minute to soak in the calm the added nicotine brought with the drugs, leaving me unaware of the world around.

A short while later, I'd finished my cigarette and made to turn around the corner, starting my lengthy trek to the bar. It felt like it took longer than it actually did but I didn't mind it all that much, anything to prolong the dread this time usually brought me.

My only form of relief being the still present numbness of those pills and the slight buzz of nicotine, offering me a small bit of haven I could escape to when I wasn't busy serving drinks.

I hadn't realised I was trapped in my thoughts until a knock to my shoulder pulled me right back to reality.

"Can you watch where you're fucking going?"