Unbecoming

I Understand

The next few days passed without any issues. I'd managed to steer myself away from the temptation of relapsing amd things with Phoebe where only looking up.

After that night of so, so many tears we'd undoubtedly grown closer, Phoebe would regularly check up on me if ever she needed to go somewhere or more often than not I would be dragged along with her, regular hangouts with the other two were had and honestly despite how sometimes belittling the constant crowding was, knowing I had people there who actually gave a shit enough to know when I needed help was more than appreciated.

Which brings us to now, a very gloomy day of lashing rain and a day at the studio with the boys.

"Raene," a drawn out call of my name sounded from inside the booth, knowing it came from Phoebe I rolled my eyes and sighed, predicting exaclty where this was going.

"Yes, my dear. Can I help you?"

She smiled softly at me and motioned for me to get up and enter the small booth, made to fit only one person but somehow managed to cram three bodies in it. "You know what I'm going to ask you, please!" Her smile widening.

"Phoebe, I'm not singing. That was a one time thing!" I got up anyway, walking towards them with the thought in my head that I was alreadg well aware I would cave.
"Rae come on!! It'd be so cool to have you on the album, what if it was JUST backing vocals? You'd hardly be heard!" This time it was Julien trying to get me involved, always the little devil on my shoulder and probably always the one I'd eventually cave for.

"Fine, but only backing. I refuse anything else." I chuckle as Phoebe lets out a little squeal.

"Yes! Yes oh my god, thank you, thank you, thank you!!"

"Only for you." I mumble and attempt to squeez myslef in to the tiny space with the three. "Would you budge up, this place is only built for one fucking person."

This earns a playful nudge from Lucy and a collective laugh, "Just sit on my lap, make it work." Phoebe pulls me to her and sits me down on her knee, "There, all better!" She shoots me a smile and I pinch her cheek, unable to hold myself back from the endearing look.

"Okay grandma, let's get this show on the road." Julien claps her hands and signals for the producer to hit play on the recording.

A few hours later and we had perfected the whole song from start to finish, and it sounded incredible. The three had put so much blood sweat and tears into this album and it was so palpable and sure. I knew it was going to reach the hearts of millions without a doubt.

"Rae?" Phoebe called quietly, snapping me out of a staring match between me and a little succulent perched on the coffee table.

Lucy had gone out to get food for everyone and Julien had made a little nest on the couch which she promptly fell asleep in, Phoebe had pulled me over to a beanbag on the far side away from the sleeping ball of tattoos so as to not wake her up.

I hummed back in response to Phoebe who chuckled and tucked her head in to the space between my chin and my chest, playing with the laces of my hoodie, "I'm proud of you, you know?"

"How so?" I took the hand fidgeting with my hoodie and intertwined out fingers, stroking softly at the back of her hand. She looks up slightly at me and smiles.

"You haven't touched anything in days, you're with us, you're talking to me when you need to and I've seen your beautiful smile a lot more." She mumbles, I take in the words and let them sink in.

"I don't think I've ever heard anyone say that to me before." I frown.

"What's that?" She questions, resting her head back down in the crook of my neck but I knew she was still listening.

"That someones proud of me, I don't think that's ever been said to me before." She hums lowly, giving me space to continue, "I think the most I've ever had is a pat on the back, or instead of someone being proud of me everyone kind of just resents me for what I do."

Phoebe scoffs at that, "They're all just stupid people who think everyone has to be perfect and happy all the time."

I look down at her and the edge of her mouth turns downward slightly, "What?"

"I understand why you do it."

"What?" A question I seem to keep asking.

"I understand, maybe not fully or completely, maybe even not at all but I'd like to think I do. Life is so... painful. It's not like how they make it out to be in books or movies, everything hurts. What you do with that hurt is what makes a difference and how could you fault someone for wanting that pain to go away as quickly as possible?" She tightens the hold on my hand, "You're brave for seeing your pain for what is, I don't think I'd ever have the balls to do that. And you're trying to deal with it differently, most people wouldn't. Most people would let it take them away bit by bit until there's nothing left..."

I kiss her lightly on the crown of her head and pull her closer to me, not fully able to process what she's saying but also letting it all hit me at once, she understands. And instead of pushing for me to get better she understands that it takes time. And with that I can't help the tears that well in my eyes.

"Fuck, Phoebe. I- you are the most beautiful soul I have ever met. I don't know what I did to deserve you but I'm so fucking glad someone thinks I do." I laugh wetly, still holding on tightly to the blonde.

"I don't think you realise that this is exactly what you deserve. Sometimes I don't feel worthy enough for you, then I tell myself to shut the fuck up and appreciate you while I have the chance to."

"You're worth everything and more, if you asked for the moon I would do like Gru and get it for you in a heart beat." I pull back from her and hold her face in my hands, "I think I might be falling in love with you Park Girl, and if it's okay with you I think I'd like to keep falling."

"It's more than okay with me, I'll be falling right by your side." She brings a hand up to mine still resting on her cheeks and smiles brightly at me, she leans her forehead against mine and we stay like that for a minute, basking in the intimacy.

"Also, did you just make a Minions reference and think I'd not catch on?"

"i was kind of hoping we'd slide past that part..."

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Hello!!!

I thought in honour of the chaos that is the world of boygenius right now I'd give you guys a cheeky little update :)

i hope youre all taking care of yourselves, eating, drinking and sleeping enough, you know the likes!!

so sorry for my absence, hope this fluffy shit makes for a good apology and as always thank you so much for reading!!

have a lovely day/night and i shall see you all soon <3