Unbecoming

It Ain't Sex Love

"Thank you for staying."

Phoebe looks at me a little surprised, "What are you thanking me for? I'm literally doing the bare minimum." I roll my eyes and try to take her hand in my slighly soaked one, however failed to do so and stretched my stitching on my stomach too far. I winced hoping it'd go unnoticed and dropped my hand back in to the water and sighed. Washing was going to be difficult. As usual.

Phoebe noticed my dilema and a sort of contemplative look fell on to her face, like she was fighting with something in her brain on what actually to do. She came to a conclusion less than a minute later, nodding silently and staring right in to my irises, "I can help you wash if you're comfortable with it. I know you struggle alot with upper body movement and I don't want you to be in pain or miss out on a basic human need." Her words were careful, considerate of my condition and how exactly I could react to a question like that. I thought for a moment, my hesitation made Phoebe immediately assume and she rushed to apologise.

"I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have asked that. You are allowed to say no obviously, I don't expect you to let someone you met barely a week ago see you like that. And I definitely didn't mean it in a weird or predatory way I just-"

"Phoebe, phoebe. Slow down park girl. I'd only hurt myself by struggling to do it on my own. Fuck it I might still be slightly drunk right now but please for the love of god help me." I let out a small chuckle, not really realizing the absolute weight of this moment right now, not really caring through my drunken daze. Something that got me in bad situations in the first place. This was completely different though, fully sober me would have a complete freak out at the thought of somebody else touching those parts of her only rough hands and sweaty bodies touched but I just wanted to feel something more than numb, and Phoebe made me feel less numb.

I knew Phoebe wouldn't hurt me like that anyway, she's a caring person and honestly I trusted her so much already. Bad sign, something for later me to worry about. But I always felt myself leaning in to her comfort, even when I wasn't slightly intoxicated. It hasnt been long, but the couple of days I have spent with her have felt more fulfilling than any other.

I could rationalise this though, without turning it romantic. Phoebe has been the first proper kind human contact I have had in a while, it's only natural for me to cling on to that small bit of comfort so quickly. It was almost like an orphaned child being taken in and immediately seeking parental love from someone. I was sad and lonely, she made me a little less sad and lonely.

"Earth to Raene?" The afformentioned blonde waved her hand in front of my face, "You good? Anything interesting happening in here??" She then proceeded to tap against my head as though it were hollow.

I laugh at her antics, "Just get on with it before I either change my mind or sober up enough to freak out."

"I feel like I shouldn't do this with you drunk..." She hesitated now.

"Park girl... It ain't sex love, I've given you my unbridled consent in helping me wash. I trust you, believe it or not. So please, help me."

She nodded silently and started on washing through my hair, gently combing through the knots and twists with her fingers. I sighed contentedly, revelling in the calming feeling of having my hair played with.

"My mom used to play with my hair as a kid," I broke the silence suddenly, Phoebe stopped what she was doing for a second before returning to it and deciding to let me continue on my own,"Every night before bed she would sit and sing to me while she played with my hair. They were beautiful songs, brought me such serenity. I miss her so much."

Phoebe hummed as she continued toying with my hair, running water through it carefully, "She sounds awesome." I smiled to myself and lent in to her touch.

"She was the heart and soul of all of us. She had such a unique and wonderful way of viewing the world, everything other people saw as an obstical she saw as an opportunity for something greater. The world is missing such an integral piece of it and it doesn't even know." I recalled the memory of my mother solemly, she was a woman I looked up to so greatly. She was my rock. Everything went to shit when she died.

"She played a part in creating such a beautiful daughter though. She left her mark by giving the world you. It never really recognised it lost an important piece of itself because she gave the world an even greater gift, she gave the world you. And yo filled the whole she left before it even realised." Phoebe finished lathering conditioner into my hair, massaging it in and dulling any headache I'd had previously.

"I'm nowhere near half the woman she was, but I really appreciate you saying that. I've messed up so much in my life though, I've hurt myself and other people more than I can forgive myself for and it kinda hurts knowing I'm becoming more like my father, losing that part of myself that reflected so much of my mom." I smiled sadly.

"Is that why you're so hesitant in getting close to me and the boys? Why you push yourself away from us, from me, so much." She tilted her head hand finished continued rubbing soap along my body, I never really noticed her hands on me, too engrossed in our conversation.

"That's part of it I guess, yeah. You guys have been nothing but kind to me these past few days and I can't just repay you by hurting you. I'm a dangerous person to care about because I have no regard for myself at all and when I hurt I hurt bad. My walls are built high and somebody is yet to break them down so I'm kind of just keep to myself and wallow."

"You're a very honest drunk you know that right?" She smirks slightly but also has a softness in her gaze.

"I'm aware. Hopefully I remember none of this tomorrow."

"You won't hurt us you know." She rubs gently at my shoulders, finishing up washing me off before I even realised she'd finished. "You may think you're hopeless but I'm willing to try. You deserve to have somebody at least try, Raene."

"I just hope you don't regret it."

"I somehow don't think I will." She finalises, "Come on, lets get you out and dry. I think you need to sleep and sober up."

"Fine, fine. Turn around park girl."

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A/N

cheeky lil birthday update, im being nice to you for now with the sweet but still heartbreaking chapters. some hurt/comfort for you guys.

It's been so nice reading your comments, I appreciate them sm even if they're something silly.

thank you guys for reading and hopefully enjoying this book because im having fun writing it.

anyway!! enjoy your day/night :) night guys