Unbecoming

Reconciliation

I woke up from a fitful sleep at around 3 in the morning.

I say sleep, calling it sleep is probably too generous, it felt more like an out of body experience that drained me entirely of any energy I had left than actual, restful sleep. My existence pulling and stretching from my actual body as soon as I'd passed out and closed my eyes, becoming almost untethered from the natural plane of being and seeing everything from outside of myself.

It was quite weird. And my own fault. And now I can't sleep. Shit.

I'd been settled on the couch rather than Phoebe's room or the room I had stayed in before, a blanket pulled up to my chin and pillows rested comfortably under my head. I hate how comfortable it all was, how comforting it felt knowing that Phoebe had taken care with making sure I was okay.

I wish she hated me, I wish she didn't think to make an effort in caring for me.

I didn't deserve it for gods sake. I hurt her, I know I did.

"Fuck." I covered my face with cold hands, breathed in deep and just stared at the ceiling. It still kind of warped, not as much as it had been doing but it was there and it made me sick.

With a huff and an indignant sigh I threw the blanket off of me and got up. I couldn't be alone for much longer, I needed Phoebe and despite feeling like I was being such a selfish prick at that I couldn't stop myself from making my way to her room, and surprisingly, the light was still on. Shining dimly just under the door.

So I knock, "Phoebe?"

I hear a sigh from the inside and feet padding toward the door, Phoebe opens it and the only thing I can think to do is wrap my arms around her.

"Raene-"

"No, no. Phoebe, I need you to listen to me, please." I say as I pull away.

She looks me over, as if checking for any damage or something.

"Okay," She brushes a hand through her silver hair and moves to let me in, "Okay Raene."

I squeeze her hand gently before walking to the bed and sitting, she follows and sits beside me, taking back my hand.

"I'm so sorry, P. You shouldn't have seen me like that, not ever." I whisper.

"You're right, I shouldn't have seen you like that. But I did. And it fucking hurt, it hurt to see you like that, it- it was-" her voice quivered slightly, her hands shaking in mine and she took a deep breath, pausing before recollecting her thoughts, "But I understand, I understand, I do. I fucking get it. We all have bad days. It's allowed, it's okay, it's human. But fucking talk to me, I don't care if you think you're a burden to me. I don't care if you feel like I don't deserve to deal with your shit because goddamnit Rae I want to deal with your shit. I want to deal with your shit with you. Because it hurts me more that you didn't come to me than it does that you did it in the first place." She breathes deep again and closes her eyes, I can see the tremble in her lip, the tears on her cheeks and I understand then that it isn't just me in this anymore, it isn't just myself that I'm doing this shit to.

"You are... the only stable thing in my life right now, Phoebe. Honestly I think the only stable thing I've ever had in my entire life and the co-dependency of this all scares the shit out of me. But I want it, I want you. We- we haven't talked about this, us, yet but I've never felt this way for anyone before, never this much and never this quickly. I want us, Phoebe. But I'm a mess, I'm a fuck up and I hurt you and- and-"

She grabs my face with shaky hands, "Raene you're not listening to me. I. Want. The mess. I want to be there for you, we haven't talked about the kiss or what it meant but I'm in this with you if you're in this with me. I just need you to talk to me when you feel like doing what you did."

"I can't- I find it hard to talk to people when it gets like that. I don't know what to say or how to express it." I mumble, almost embarrassed with myself.

"Then we'll have a signal, something non-verbal that lets me know when you feel like that." Phoebe strokes my cheek gently, I let myself sink in to the comfort.

"Like what?"

"How about this, you ever get that feeling you take my hand and you squeeze it four times. That way it works when we're out surrounded by people as well, when you do that we'll do something distracting like watch a movie or take a walk and if we're in public we'll go somewhere quite and just breathe. And if after you feel like you can talk about it then we'll talk about it. Does that sound good?"

A warm feeling fluttered through my body and settled in my stomach, causing a small smile to light my face, "That sounds perfect," I place a kiss on her palm, "You're perfect."

She just shakes her head, "I'm far from perfect, I'm a mess too you just don't see it."

"Well then we'll be messes together." I chuckle and wrap my arms around her tightly, pulling us both down on to the bed, "I don't deserve you, but I'm happy you're willing to put up with me."

She sighs and tucks her head in to my neck, "It isn't a chore, I'd do anything for you is that stupid?"

"To anyone else probably. But we're gay so, I'd say why haven't you put a ring on it yet?" I jab her side lightly and she tries to squirm away giggling.

"Jab me anymore and I'll file for a divorce." She jabs back.

I gasp mock shocked and place a hand on my chest, pushing her away with my free one, "Before we've had the wedding, we really are moving fast!"

Phoebe rolls on to her stomach and places her chin on my chest, "Tough love."

"You wound me Park Girl. I'm wounded." I shake my head at her, raising my chin so I'm no longer looking at her. I feel her move up closer and feel a small, barely there kiss on my chin and then my jaw and finally my cheek. I relent and look at her, seeing a soft pair of eyes looking right back.

Our eyes are locked for a minute, maybe two, maybe more but we just stare and without realising we move closer to each other like a pair of magnets, pulled to one another inevitably and irrevocably.

"Your eyes are pretty." I breathe out.

And it's like a flip was switched because within the second her lips were on mine, it wasn't heated or passionate or rushed, it was just us. Me and her and her and me and the fear and the care all collapsing in on itself. It was comfort and it was power and the knowledge that we were both here, we were both safe. It was everything.

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Hey hey good people of wattpad its been too long, my fauly entirely

I can't tell you how much I've been dying to write again so i gift you with this chapter! my wifis been down for a few weeks cuz I've just recently moved so i havent really been able to write much or update so it's a relief to be able to now.

Anyway! I really hope you like it, it's one of my favourites I've written mainly for the fluff at the end there. also this chapter along with the last few havent been checked, i read over them ealier and jesus there are a lot of typos.

thank you for your support in everything, the messages i get from you guys are so lovely and i appreciate them so much :)

I hope everyone's keeping okay, my dms are open to whoever needs an ear to listen or my socials should be in my bio!

have a lovely day/night peeps <3