Unbecoming

Drowning

"There isn't much to tell honestly."

I could tell them a different life, a different story, one where my mom was still alive and my dad still loved me. Where instead of this pain filled life, cured only by things that hurt me more than fixed me, was filled instead with love and happiness.

But I couldn't, Phoebe knew to an extent, Julien had seen right through me and Lucy seemed capable of figuring me out.

But I was afraid. Of being hurt again, of relying on people, of telling the truth. Everything I shouldn't have to be afraid of. It all stopped me from being truthful, turning that yearning to trust people finally in to a bubbling rage.

Phoebe looked at me with sympathy in her eyes at my hesitation at the question, "Don't do that." My voice came out cold, unwantedly so but it happened without force or temperament, I didn't mean to sound like I did, but I did. I felt like my father at times like this, angry for no reason but the grief of everything lost.

I knew then that my resolve was wearing thin. I needed something, anything to ease it, to take away some of the pain I felt.

Painkillers were all good and well until they weren't. Only doing so much to quell an ever present urge.

The three tilted their heads in confusion, almost as though they were one person following one order from a collective hive mind, the blonde spoke up then, "Do what?"

"Fucking care. Give me sympathy. I don't want it." I inhaled sharply, "I don't fucking need it." Feeling capable enough, I attemempt to turn over, away from them all and istead jostle the wound on my stomach.

A sharp, burning pain shot up through every inch of my body. Sending drills of everything bad through nerve endings and veins and organs, through bones, muscles, through my life force. It was aweful.

I let out a pain filled yelp, alerting Phoebe, Julien and Lucy. The first carefully sat up from her seat and placed a hand on my shoulder, urging me to lay back onto my back while Lucy and Julien stood and stepped closer to the edge of my bed.

"Raene. Come on, easy, what's so bad about us caring? I met you fucking a day and a bit ago and I already see such a fucking broken person, hiding behind this hard persona thinking everything wrong in the world will come for them if they accept even the slightest bit of comfort." Phoebe successfully got me to lay back down, I let my eyes wander the ceiling, contemplating. She was forward, I'll give her that. I wanted to trust her but I just couldn't.

"Just because I'm accepting your help physically doesn't mean I want your help mentally. I don't. Need it. Believe what you want but I cope just fine on my own. I'm sorry but that's how it's always been."

"Raene.."

"No Phoebe, don't act like you fucking know me. You don't. So fucking stop, I don't want your sympathy and your guilt. Fuck do I care if my dad's a villainous bitch, he had his reasons. I fucking killed my mom, he should of fucking cut deeper. God knows everyone would of been better off." None of that was meant to come out.

They all stare at me, mouths agape and eyes wide in disbelief.

"Get me out of this fucking hostpital before I go insane."

"We can't yet Raene, the doctors still have to do their last check ins and stuff to make sure you can actually leave." Phoebe's voice was assertive, final in a way that almost, almost, got me to listen.

"I don't fucking care, I'm leaving." With that, I tear the IV from my hand.

"Raene stop!" Her voice followed me as I stood up and grabbed the shit that was brought in with me, a sudden wave of nausea hit me. I ignored it the best I could.

"Raene you're fucking swaying on your feet, get back in to that bed and wait."

I ignore her, moving towards the door now.

"Raene I swear to god." She jumps up from her seat and steps in my way, spreading her limbs out wide to block any way of getting out, "Phoebe move."

"No."

"Move. Now."

"You're not my mom."

She stood her ground, folding her arms now and giving me a stern look, "No but you look a fucking lot like mine." I huff out.

She rolled her eyes at me and just nodded her head in the direction of the bed, "Sit."

"I will jump out that fucking window," I say as I turn to look at the window about 3 stories up, seeing the other two looking amused and standing directly in front of the it, "Son of a-"

"You're worse then Julien when she refused to listen to me and almost drowned."

"Hey!" The short brunette yelled feigning hurt, "Rude." Lucy turned to look at her and placed a caring hand on her shoulder and adorned a jokingly sympathetic look on her face, "True."

Julien looked down and mumbled under he breath quietly, meanwhile Phoebe maintained her position standing gaurd at the door.

"Guys! Focus here, Raene please just sit back on the bed. You're just gonna hurt yourself more." It was a staring match between us both now, her dark brown eyes reaching in to my own peircing blue.

It was hard not to feel completely and utterly emotionally naked in this situation, every minute movement could be broken down and disected, inspected and understood through attentive eyes. I had to look away, I feared she'd hate what she saw if she looked hard enough, so I relented, gave up my pride in order to sustain and maintain the walls I so carefully curated around my everything.

Phoebe looked on victoriously as I let out a deep sigh and trudged back to the bed, ignoring the dull ache that had made an appearance somewhere along whatever the fuck that was.

"What the fuck was that?" Lucy and Julien now stood away from the window and had moved seets closer to my bed, looking perplexed between me and the blonde, the former asking the question.

"What was what?" I ask back.

"Whatever that was just then."

"What what was?" I still had no clue what she meant.

She looked between me and phoebe again, seemingly confused herself about something, "That hardcore staring match between you and Phoebe. You like, folded or some shit."

"I'm exhausted, I felt dizzy. So I fucking gave in, we cool now?" They didn't have to know the real reason why I let Phoebe win so easily, I didn't know these people well enough to bare my soul to them.

"ANYWAYS. I wanna know about this Julien almost drowning story."

"Oh come one!"

------------------

A short one today guys, I'm glad y'all are enjoying this silly little story. My brain wont shut up about them and this is making me happy so yeah.

I'm so sorry it takes me so long to update, I start writing a chapter and then completely lose focus and then it just stays in my drafts until whenever, usuallt around 3-4 am when I should be sleeping

ANYWAY

Hope you all have a lovely day/night :)