BROKEN (Herophine Fanfic)

46-ＰＡＳＴ

【ＪＯＳＥＰＨＩＮＥ】

The ground falls out from beneath my feet slowly.

I spend the holidays in Seattle with Dad.

The trip is quiet. Rainy. Cold.

Usually, I miss the sun when I'm this far north.

This time, I don't.

The grey skies feel right.

The days are short.

The nights are long.

I tell myself it's the Pacific Northwest.

Then, that it's the stress of a new semester.

My studio art teacher doesn't get me. He's trying to force me into a box that doesn't fit.

Hero is busy. Between cramming, swimming, and working two shifts a week as a scribe, he barely has time for me.

For weeks, I tell myself it's stress.

I run extra miles. I work harder. I eat healthier.

I journal every day, instead of once a week.

Pick up extra shifts.

Watch movies to fill the silence.

It's not a clear path. I don't get a little worse every day.

Some days are big and bright and beautiful.

Others are ugly and grey.

J.K. Rowling said she wrote dementors as a metaphor for depression.

And, really, I can't think of anything better.

The world goes dark and cold and joyless.

It hits me one day while I'm watching The Princess Bride and failing to root for Inigo Montoya.

I'm drowning again.

I trace the last few months, but I don't see the place where I frayed.

Only that I'm without an inch of rope.

I need to talk about this.

To tell someone.

To tell Hero.

I promised him.

I meant it.

I try. For days. Weeks. I try and fail to find the right moment.

It never comes.

One night, I'm curled up in his arms, trying to sink into his chest, finding all these walls between us.

He asks how I'm doing.

I don't find a response.

He runs his fingers through my hair. Whispers sweet nothings. Promises to help me with whatever I need.

But his words are hollow between my ears.

It's obvious.

I'm an anchor wrapped around his neck.

I'm dragging him down with me.

I find a comforting lie. Something about stress and school and how much I miss him.

He pulls me closer. Whispers that he loves me too.

Whispers something about a New York residence, about humid New York summers and rainy springs and me dragging him through the Met on weekends. It's far away—UCI is a sure thing now—but he sees that for us.

Then it's Chicago and snowy winters and the two of us lying on the lakefront, watching the water lap at the coast. It's not the beach, but it's close.

Or is it Seattle? Near my dad. Far from here. A land of rain and grey.

But that doesn't matter, because I'm all the sun he needs.

He won't go anywhere unless I'll go with him.

He'll stay in Orange County if that's what I want.

He'll be wherever I am.

I turn back to him. Stare up into those darkened emerald eyes.

And it's there—that same look. Like I'm an angel sent from heaven to save him.

Like he's ready to bind his soul to mine.

I can't do that.

I can't drag him down with me.

I have to stop this.

But how the hell do I protect him?

It hits me one day in April. I'm watching Ordinary People.

It's not a fun movie.

Quite the opposite.

After his brother's death, a teenage boy tries to kill himself. His parents put him in therapy. He manages a relationship with his therapist.

Finds salvation when he works through his guilt.

It's what I need.

Salvation.

But when I go to therapy, I fail to find the words. I can't admit this to anyone. Even to myself.

Especially to myself.

Hero can tell something's wrong. Sometimes he asks what I'm thinking.

I always lie.

When I close my eyes, I see the boy from Ordinary People.

I see Hero's late brother Titan.

I see myself lying in a clean, white bed, swallowing a bottle of anxiety meds, fading away.

It's scary.

Overwhelming.

But, every day, it makes a little more sense.

Until it's the only thing that makes sense.

Until I know it's what I have to do.

I close my loose ends. Quit my job. Plan to finish the semester. Give Katherine the clothes she'd want.

Pay off my car loan.

Then I pick a date. One that will hurt Hero the least.

It will hurt him, sure.

But only for a while.

He'll be better off without me.

Everyone will be better off without me.

A/N: The next chapter is very important and might confuse some of yall but to make it clear I did not accidentally upload two of the same chapters ... anyway I'm already setting up the next story which I will start to publish a couple days after this story comes to end..