BROKEN (Herophine Fanfic)

35

【ＪＯＳＥＰＨＩＮＥ】

We get dinner at Hero's favorite Thai restaurant, share a mango and sticky rice dessert, linger over coffee at the hipster place with local beans.

It's everything he loves.

But it doesn't lift his mood.

Don't get me wrong. He's happy enough. He gushes about his current Star Wars novel, listens intently while I discuss my latest fight with Katherine (a completely stupid spat over who can borrow whose clothes), kisses me good night like he means it.

But it's there.

I didn't accept his offer.

I asked for more time.

He's disappointed.

It's fair.

I'm not explaining it. How can I expect him to understand?

It's not about him.

It's about me.

About how I should have told him this months ago.

I settle into my room for the night, slip on my headphones, play my favorite album.

Live Through This pours into my ears, but it doesn't settle my thoughts.

I can't hide this from him forever.

I shouldn't.

It's not even a big deal.

Ten percent of Americans are on anti-depressants.

He's pre-med.

He knows that.

But then I've had nearly a year to tell him.

If it's not a big deal...

I lean back in my chair. Press my eyelids together. Try to imagine the perfect reaction—him nodding with understanding, wrapping his arms around me, telling me he loves me anyways, that it doesn't matter—but the vision doesn't come together.

I see the disappointment in his soulful green eyes.

The frustration in his brow.

The tension in his shoulders.

I'm disappointing him.

Hurting him.

Lying to him.

By omission, sure, but he's going to see it as a lie.

He's obsessed with this whole honesty thing.

I try to find some words to explain it. Hero, the truth is, I do want to live with you. I desperately want to live with you.

I fall asleep every night wishing you were next to me. Craving the warmth of your body. The security of your strong arms.

Sometimes, I hate how much I crave that. You make me feel safe. It's so stereotypical, but it's true.

I love being with you.

Love the idea of sharing my space with you.

But I've done a great job hiding my anti-depressants for the last ten months.

I keep them in a locked drawer in my desk.

No one knows. No one but the nurse practitioner I see at the student health center.

I know it shouldn't be a big deal, but it is.

I trust you.

I just...