Twilight: Red Rain

SOMEBODY Had Been Threatening our Friend Edward

The next day, Bella and I were making out on the couch, when Jasper came in and said "Ed, we have a major problem" "What is it?" I asked, and Jasper said "Well, it all has to do with this" Jasper then held up a photo of when I bit the waitress at the Rice Barn, and he pointed to a guy sitting at a table on the other side of the restaurant from ours, and observing the carnage, and the guy was highlighted by being circled in red permanent marker, so I could tell he was of some importance, but before anybody could say 'Holy Guacamole' Bella said "OH MY GOD, THAT'S MY DAD!" the instant she said that, Loba's jaw dropped, Jacob turned pale from surprise, Bella fainted from shock, and I just facepalmed and said "oh great, just great. He's hated me since I tried to leave Bella for her safety, and now he knows I'm a vampire, which means he's probably going to be here pretty soon, based on the fact that all he knows about our kind is based on human stereotypes." "You know," said Jacob, "I'm surprised it took him this long to figure it out. I mean, there's been some blindingly obvious proof in front of him. For example..."

"So, in conclusion," I exclaimed as I was finishing the video, "In terms of its acting, Vampire Diaries got most things right, but in other respects, it severely missed the mark." "Also," said Bella, abruptly showing up on camera, "Their vampires are nowhere near as hot as the real thing!" before leaving. I then explained, "Also, that was just my girlfriend. This is your favorite vampire Edward Cullen signing off."

"Well," I explained, "Despite me openly admitting to being a vampire there, most of my viewers see it as just an online persona." "Regardless," Jacob said, "Charlie knows that it's true, and we're all gonna be in big trouble."

At this, Bella began panicking and wondered what we could do. At this, I suggested "We could all fake our deaths and hide out in Canada with my friend Dirtbag Joel. Now, don't let the nickname fool you, he's actually a huge jerk. Now, he's also acquainted with Tanya, so she could help us get to his cabin." "Or," Bella suggested "we could just talk to Charlie, admit to him what our lives have been like, and try to agree to disagree" "yeah," I said "that actually seems like a pretty good-"

But, no sooner than I had said that, Charlie came in, and then I said "Charlie, I advise you to leave, you're breaking and entering" but Charlie of course just ignored me, saying "STEP AWAY FROM BELLA RIGHT NOW!" I said "Oh, how many times have I told you? I don't want to break it off Charlie, I suggest you leave" Charlie, however, did not want to leave, so he said, "Really, well what are you going to do to me?" "leave my house, Charlie" I said, still not wanting to pick a fight, but Charlie just said "don't try and negotiate, I know what you are" then, he grabbed an expensive ancient silver dagger from a display case, saying "it's too late Edwin (he has a habit of calling people he dislikes by the wrong name, as evidenced here), I know your secret now, and I think I might spill the beans to EVERY MAJOR NEWS SOURCE IN THE COUNTRY EXCEPT FOX NEWS if you two don't split up now" but just then, the ever-loyal Jacob got in front of me, and said "woah, woah, woah Charlie, that's not happening any time soon" Charlie then said "Jacob, what are you doing here?" Jacob then said "well, for your information Charlie, Edward's my best friend, and I don't want you hurting him" "oh" said Charlie "so he's your best friend, is he, well I guess I can accommodate more than one for-" but then Jacob said "well, I think that you may have bitten off a bit more than you can chew" and then he and Loba transformed, with Charlie about to use the dagger, before I said "wait, wait, wait, let's not commit to any violence here, I want to find a peaceful way to settle this" Charlie then said "I gotta admit Edwin, that actually sounds reasonable, but how will we do it?" I said "well, we can't exactly go on Dr. Phil, so instead we'll settle this the way both our kinds have settled debates throughout the history of man and vampire kind...IN VAMPIRE COURT!" "Is that even a thing?" asked Charlie "Of course it is" I said "Here's their address" handing him a notecard containing said address, as well as their phone number, and he left with the notecard, leaving us alone to ponder the impending trial

Charlie's POV: I had gone to the address Edward had given me. It was an immense mansion, very Baroque-Rococo in style, a far cry from the Gothic, German Expressionist castle that I had been expecting. I went inside, and soon made my way upstairs (to the top 13th floor) to the main office, which was labeled by a sign on the door as 'The Office of Aro Volturi, ESQ.' I went inside and saw Aro sitting at his desk, he had a classic pale vampire complexion and a refined black mullet, he was reading Shakespeare's 'Richard III', with a contemplative look in his eyes, and barely acknowledged me, when I stepped up to his desk, he noticed me, whereupon he looked up from his book, removed his wire-rimmed coke-bottle reading glasses, and said "Welcome to my American home. Charles Swan, I take it?" "yes," I said "And I'm here because I-" "Don't tell me," said Aro "I've already read your mind" his voice was very calm, with an Italian inflection, he sounded like Liam Neeson if he was Italian and not just Irish. Then, he spoke again, saying "Renata and I shall walk you through the process, bear in mind that this is not easy" "Well," I said "just make it as fast as possible" and then Aro said, "very well, let us begin..."

 Back to Edward: Later, we were discussing the trial, and as we were, I said "But what I need, is a good lawyer" Then, Jacob said "Well, I have good news, since you probably can't hire a professional attorney, Loba and I can serve that purpose" while flashing his library card at me. I accepted this offer, and so, we were almost ready to appear in court, but things weren't all smooth sailing, as Charlie had already filed suit against me, and when I told him later that; "I've already hired a legal team, you're gonna lose" he said "well, it's not guaranteed, but there's an easy way out of this" "oh, what is it?" I asked, fully expecting the answer, and then Charlie told me that his idea of an easy way out was: "If you split up with Bella, I'll drop the charges" Bella, who was nearby, said "Wh-what-DAD! That's Blackmail!" and they started arguing over the issue, as one does, with Jacob telling me; "Yeah, nobody comes away from any of our stories looking all that good" and I said "Sad but true" in response to this