We Are All Fucked Up /bangchan ff

14. i should be sorry

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When jeongin woke up we all ate and he was thankful that we would let him sleep. We just chilled that day till jeongin went home. After that little make out session I realized I like chan but I can't be in a relationship with him he deserves better. And also I don't even know if he likes me sure he kissed me first but that could also be just like what happened with me and changbin. That it's only sexual attraction just this time i have actual feelings.

~next day in school(thursday)~

Between me and chan is a weird atmosphere and I'm pretty sure the others already realized that. We all sat at our table but I dont feel as comfortable as usually cause that loud ass girl lisa sits with us at a table almost screaming while talking. "Let's have a pool party at my house this weekend." Changbin says. Most of the boys sound exited but I know that I can't come. "I don't have time sorry" the boys don't sound happy that I can't come and changbin gives me a knowing look. Jeongin, felix and chaeryeong also said they can't come. But then lisa asked if she can some minho and hyunjin look kinda disgusted and roll their eyes but changbin said yes.

Felix doesn't look happy with that but I'm not gonna jump in their relationship or whatever they actually are right now. Only if this girl will actually tear this group apart. Changbin planned with the boys till lisa spoke up to me in English. "Do you often get comments since you're in korea." "What do you mean?" I say madly confused and why does she speak English to me? Does she still believe that most of the boys dont speak English. "Because yk your weight. Maybe you should try to eat less or work out." I was surprised by her I mean I tell that myself everytime but hearing that from someone is even worse. The whole table goes silent looking at me and lisa. Minho whispers something to felix and after felix whispered back minho gave lisa a disgusted look.

Most of the boys are looking kinda shocked or like they don't believe what they just witnessed. "Yeah... maybe I should do that" I say still kinda taken back. But before anyone else could react the door ringed so we walked back into our classes. Till the end of the school day I was mostly zooming out thinking about what lisa told me. 'Is it true am I really that fat?'

Timeskip

At home chan and I were bored and didn't know what to do so
We just watched a movie again and smoked a blunt while watching. "Yk jeongin isn't here anymore." Chan says facing me. I really want it but I don't wanna let him know. Chan starts to kiss me again moving his hand around my waist. We start to make out again suddenly chan changes position so that he lays on the bed and I'm sitting on his crotch.

He pulls my head down and starts kissing me again. He moves down to my neck giving me small kisses. When he starts to suck my neck I let out a moan. Chan doesn't stop and he starts to move my body on his crotch. We both moan but when he moves his hands to my tshirt I stopped him. "Chan I can't do that I'm so sorry" I say hiding my face in his chest. "Is it your first time?" "No it's not" I say while shaking my head. "You don't like me right? You don't find me attractive." Chan says letting out a big sigh. "No chan I really like you and you're really attractive. It really doesn't have to do with you.

"Then what is it?" Chan pulls me up with him so now I'm sitting in his lap while we lean against the wall. "Chan i just don't like the way my body looks." Chan looks at me really surprised

"Is it because of what lisa said cause if then I swea-" I cut him off "No or maybe yes but that's not the main reason." "What is it y/n? I'm not gonna judge you in my eyes you will always be pretty" I look at him knowing that he probably doesn't mean it. I dont want to tell him but I also can't leave him like that letting him think I don't like him.

I take a big breath and take of my top. "What are you doi- why do you have a bandage around your arm?" Chan doesn't take his eyes off my arm. "Can I?" Chan says wanting to take of the bandage. I nod looking away from him my eyes start to water because I'm scared of his reaction 'what if he doesn't react like changbin. I can't just expect everyone to react like him.' I feel the air at my fresh cuts. I hear Chan sucking in air of shock. "Y/n... when did that happen I was with you the whole time." A single tear rolls down my cheeks. "I'm so sorry" I whisper.

"Why are you sorry? I should be the one apologizing I never questioned why you always wear long sleeves or I should atleast checked that something was wrong." Chan says trying to hold back his tears. Chan takes me in his arms giving me a big hug. "Does anyone else know?" "Only changbin" "changbin? Why does he know?" Chan lays us down on the bed spooning me. "Remember when I helped changbin with his English exam. We watched a drama and me being insecure of my body kinda slipped out of me and changbin told me I shouldn't be insecure because my body is beautiful. We started to make out and I didn't realized cause I was not focusing on my scars so he took of my top and when he stopped doing anything I turned to him seeing him looking at my scars. I told myself I wouldn't let anyone else from our friendgroup know but I didn't know I would start to like you."

"Please talk to me when something is wrong you shouldn't hurt yourself when you feel bad."I don't feel like talking so I just nod.
"But you made out with changbin do you like him?" Chan asked looking at me "no it was just sexual nothing to do with feelings and we both agreed we wouldn't do it again" "Is that the reason why you dont want to go to changbins pool party?" I nod again. Chan stands up and walks to my bathroom. I just lay in bed not really motivated to move I'm not really in the best mood right now but I think chan understands that. I hear him coming back sitting on the bed

"Can you sit up?" I just gave a tired sound from me slowly leaning on my arms even to it hurts because of the cuts "come here" Chan says helping me to sit up. "What are you doing?" "Cleaning you up" I look at him confused till he pointed at my arm. "Ohh no it's okay you don't need to do that. I never do that and they are fine." "Just give me your damn arm." I sigh but give my arm to him. Chan has cotton in his hand that's probably soaked in disinfection. "Its gonna hurt." He says but I laugh in sarcasm "Yeah as if that would bother me" Chan gives me a bitch face but also smiles a little after that "stop joking about that" He puts the cotton on my cuts. And when he was done he puts new bandages around my arm. "Do you have cuts anywhere else?" "No only scars I guess" I also have some scars on my thighs but I prefer my arm so the thigh scars are already healed.

"You know you can come to changbins pool party all of the boys are kind like you know they wouldn't judge you." "I don't want them to know and the last time I was swimming is so long ago I don't think my bikini even fits me anymore." "It can't be that bad" "I mean I can try my bikini on but I still won't come." "Its okay just try it on" I search for my bikini and when I found it  I walk to the bathroom to change. I look in the mirror seeing my body "it's way to small especially the bikini top" but what bothers me the most is not the bikini it's the way my belly looks I don't want to show that to chan. He is never gonna find that attractive. "Y/n are you okay you take pretty long?" "Yeah wait a second." I'm arguing with myself but then I finally have the guts to walk out of the bathroom.

I hold my arms infront of my belly. Chan looks at me and starts to get red. I see his eyes scanning my body but especially going back to my breast a few times. "You look great but yeah you're right we should go shopping. Your tits are about to pop out of the top" "bro shut the fuck up I told you." We both start laughing and chan comes walking to me. He takes my arms and put them on the side. "You look great" "no I dont" "Yes you do you won't believe me but you look hotter than most girls I know and I never liked a girl that's as pretty as you." I smiled at him and he huged me. He lays his head on my shoulder. "If someone ever says something bad about you i will beat them" i dont say anything and just hug him more.

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1660 words

Guys I got tickets for the rose concert and itzy concert 😭