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The next morning I woke up to see JJ not laying in bed next to me. I sat up leaning back against the headboard and closed my eyes tightly, and taking a deep breath."Relax Parker, he's probably just in the bathroom, you don't need to freak out." I thought to myself. I was honestly so afraid of being alone after everything that happened and feeling like nowhere was safe for me. I tried to stay calm, reassuring myself that I was okay even though I didn't feel like I was. Ten minutes had gone by and I could no longer keep myself together. My breathing intensified as my hands became sweaty, I ripped the blankets off of me and stormed out of the room glancing over to the living room not seeing him on the couch. "Jay?" I shouted as I ran across the hallway into the bathroom to see if he was in there, but he wasn't. I swallowed hard and took a second to stop and catch my breath, shaking out my hands trying to get my anxiety to go away. It seemed like my own body was against me lately. It was so frustrating dealing with things I had no control over and feeling helpless not only to myself but to my friends.
I walked out of the bathroom and knocked quickly on John B's door before opening it not even waiting for a response. "JJ?" I cried out. He wasn't there. "Shit!" I screamed as I started to hyperventilate. I ran to the living room and started pacing back and forth. I squeezed my eyes shut trying to block out all my intrusive thoughts as I made my way back into the spare room searching for my phone to call him. But of course it was dead, I threw my phone against the wall and walked back into the living room as I continued to sob. "I can do this, just focus on your breathing," I said out loud. But I couldn't, I just couldn't do it alone. My cries became louder and before I knew it my anxiety had escaped my body and anger replaced it. All my emotions piled up creating a simmering rage I couldn't contain. The weight of frustration and helplessness was just too much to bear. An overwhelming urge to release my anger washed over me, and without thinking I started throwing things around the room. Letting all my emotions out in a torrent of chaos. Empty beer bottles left over from last night, pictures off the wall, all smashed onto the floor. "Fuck! God Damn it!" I belted, flipping over the coffee table, pushing over chairs, throwing any and everything I could get my hands on. And just as my hand went through the wall of the living room, John B came through the front door.
"PK! What the hell is going on?" John B shouted, taken back by the chaotic scene that greeted him, furniture overturned and broken glass shattered everywhere.
"Shit! John B I'm so sorry I..." I cried out, with tears streaming down my face, I removed my hand from the wall wincing in pain from the wood slicing my hand. Anger had left and panic and anxiety had come back. "I started to have a panic attack and I couldn't find JJ and before I knew it I was so angry I couldn't control it. I'm so sorry... I'll... I'll clean it all up, I swear. Just please don't be mad. I begged, feeling ashamed and disappointed in myself.
John B stepped closer, glass crunching beneath his shoes as he pulled me into a hug. "I'm not mad at you, I'm just worried. Are you okay? What can I do to help?" He asked softly, continuing to hold me.
YOU ARE READING
Hard to Love ~ JJ Maybank
FanficParker Kate is a 16 year old girl who is down for anything at anytime! From partying with her friends to going surfing in a hurricane to accidentally falling in love with one of her best friends... all while trying to battle her abusive alcoholic Fa...