getaway car - Taylor Swift

i wanna throw up

I woke up in my room the next morning feeling extremely confused. I rub my eyes to see better, and start having memories of the day before.

The prom that ended up totally ruined, Sam in the hospital, the overdose, the crying fit I had when I saw her in that state.

I abruptly remember crying until I had no strength left, and Alec bringing me coffee to keep me awake because I didn't want to leave Sam's side, I wanted to stay there until she woke up, but that didn't happen, and I ended up having to come home almost dragged by Alec.

Once he made sure I was calmer, he told my mom everything that had happened in the previous hours. With all the hustle and bustle it didn't even cross my mind to text her to find out where she might be, since she was supposed to have come with sam and her parents.

"Since I called Sam and she didn't answer me, I thought they had changed their plans and were already there, at school. I didn't see her parents' car in front of their house, so I assumed they were already there. Big surprise for me when I met them at the school gate and they didn't know anything about you girls either.

We were so worried, I can't believe that sam got carried away like that, maybe that boy forced her to do something with him and use the drugs. You have been dating since the beginning of high school, I bet she will have a good justification to give you when she is recovered" my mom said with an expression in her face that was hard to identify.

the house was silent, I pick up my cell phone to check the time - 9am - I have lots of unanswered messages from alec. After dropping me off, he made a point of checking almost hourly to see if I was calmer. He must be in a wreck too. After all, we've all been friends for 3 years now, and don't know how to live without each other anymore. It's really hard to see one of us between life and death. I'm not able to write, my head is racing, so I go to the bathroom, take a quick shower, put on some comfortable clothes and do a light make-up, just to cover the dark circles around my eyes. As I wash my face, I spend a few minutes looking in the mirror with my hands firmly resting on the sink. I have to go back to the hospital immediately, I have to be with my girlfriend now more than ever, even if she doesn't know I'm there, even if she can't hear me, I have to go.

As soon as I leave the house I see alec leaning against the door of my car. "what are you doing here so early?" - I ask.

"I know you very well my girl, I know you were planning to go to the hospital alone without telling anyone, but you know what, your mom left for work and asked me to keep an eye on you so that's what I'm doing".

"please alec, I don't need a babysitter, now let me go" - I reply out of patience.

"listen ivy - alec says, holding me by the arms - you are not in a psychological condition to go through this alone and you don't need to, because sam is also my friend and we are both in this shit".

I give him a brief but strong hug, it's good to have someone to count on in difficult situations. We both got in the car and Alec insisted on driving himself, and he even stopped by a cafeteria on the way to the hospital and he literally forced me to eat some toasts because, "if I wanted to spend hours in the hospital, leaning over my girlfriend's bed, I'd have to eat".

As soon as we get there, I go to the reception to see if they have any updates on Sam's health state, and i enter the elevator with alec to go see her. "she's stable, but it's too soon to say what the next step is going to be - the doctors said- we're giving her stimulants to see if she reacts in any way. What happens to many patients in an induced coma is that they can hear what is going on around them, they just cannot respond physically".

"That's already something" i thought. At least she can hear me, at least she knows i am there by her side.

We enter Sam's room and it is as quiet as yesterday, the only thing we can hear are those machines working. It actually makes me feel sick to hear those noises, but they are keeping her alive.

"hey there love" - i say getting near to her bed and putting her hand on mine.

"we missed you" alec said also passing his hand through her arm. "we went to your favourite place today to get breakfast".

He was right, it was her favourite place, she always made me go with her every time and eat those waffles with strawberry flavor that she's obsessed with. All of the sudden i feel in a very dark place, i realised today was the first time i went there without her.

Alec stays in silence for a few minutes and then looks at me. "I'm going outside to get some air, you need some alone time with your girlfriend" he said.

"you can stay" I answer back.

"no, it's ok, you need this ivy"

He walked away, and as soon as I see myself there alone with her, i look around and i see her wallet on the top of a chair. We always trusted each other, so there's no need for me to go through her personal stuff normally, but, for some reason, something was telling me to check her phone, I had to see who she last chatted with before all of this happened.

There it was, the lockscreen with a picture of us two together. I smile, she is so beautiful. I try not too, but I end up seeing her conversations. I feel nauseous, the last chat was with max, and i could see they have been communicating for a while now. They started texting a month ago. But why? Why would she do this to me? Haven't I gave her enough love?

I don't wanna see this, I don't want to believe it, I want to throw up.

I go near the door and listen if there's anyone coming. Nothing.

I am very confused right now and i don't wanna believe all these proof I saw, that my girlfriend might be cheating on me, but to be honest, now, at this very moment, I don't really care. All I know is that she's still the person I love and I'm not going to lose hope in our relationship until she wakes up, and tells me herself if something's goin'on.

I look at her.

"I'm not gonna loose you, am i?"

I know she's not going to answer, but looking at her like that, in an almost angelic state made me feel like my heart might be able to forgive her even if she has done something wrong, but my head won't let me. I'm too proud to do that.

Suddenly i remember the doctor saying that even asleep, she can hear things. Looking at those messages on her phone again, i walk towards her, get near her ear and i whisper "when you wake up, you better beg me to stay"