getaway car - Taylor Swift

forever

This chapter talks about sh and depression so, if ur sensible to those topics don't read it

It was the first day of this week i didn't feel like going to the hospital to visit sam. These days have been a roller coaster of emotions and alec suggested me i stayed at home to get some rest and put my thoughts in order. That's what i did. I couldn't stand looking at her face, just sleeping, having soo much questions for her to answer and just, do nothing, sit there, stay still, waiting for her to wake up.

My head was a mess, my heart was really broken. I did nothing all day except eating candy and listen to the most depressing songs of taylor swift. Damn, this girl is really good writing break up songs.

My mum also started bugging my head about me having to move on with my life, think about really important things like, what am I going to be chosing in college. I know she's worried, I know she's trying to divert my attention from my love problems, but mum, honestly, I don't care about my future right now, I just wanna disappear.

*two more days passed by*

alec tried to make me get out of the house, but i didn't wanna leave so he stayed in with me, and we watched our favourite movies together. At first i felt a little better, but then i would start to dissociate a lot and think about sam. I stayed like this for at least 3 weeks. My mum even started to get in loud fights with me because i stayed in bed all day long and ate nothing. She made me go to the doctor against my will, and they gave me meds for depression.

The first one's they gave me weren't strong enough, and meanwhile on taking the new one's, they diagnosed me with an eating disorder and also, as i was trying to escape my psychological pain, i started self harming.

In that mental state, I stopped visiting sam at the hospital at all. The only updates i got, were the ones alec gave me because, even though i felt like i was not capable of going, I made sure alec went there, in my place, every day.

It was the least I could do considering i promised myself I would be there for her until she woke up, but now i couldn't keep it, because I was sick too. I kept telling myself i would be better, and as soon as that happened, I would visit her again, and it didn't matter if I was sad or if she really cheated on me. I had to see her one last time.

And that's what I said until it didn't, until I didn't get a last chance to see her, 'cause alec came to my house saying she got worse all of the sudden and she was gone.

I cried, and I cried and cried.

And then I felt rage because I lost her forever. I lost the love of my life forever and the last memory I am going to carry of her, is her cheating on me, and me wanting to get answers I will never get.

And lastly, I felt guilty because i wasn't there, the moment she left, forever.