stand here with me || h.s

10.

Songs for this chapter....
Darkfall...God Is An Astronaut
The Light...The Album Leaf (surprise, surprise...)

Ten : Hallie

"Don't talk to me about this-just don't!" I stood there in the middle of my living room in my bra and underwear and Adam was in his boxers.
"You just fucking said his name-you called me Harry, Hallie, how the hell am I supposed...what else do you want me to say to that?"
"I'm sorry, it was an accident. It slipped. Can we just..."
"He's in your head. He's in your fucking head ever since you saw him at the restaurant."
"You wanted to have sex, so are we going to have sex or not?"
"We're not when you've got a fucking attitude!"
"I don't have an attitude!"
"You do though! You've been a bitch and I know it's because these past two weeks have been shitty with your mom and everything, but I've been here for you, he hasn't but he's still the one you're thinking about! You said his name, Hal. You said his god damn name." I stood there quietly, not knowing what to say, really. "Do you still love him?"
"I-I..."
"Do you, Hallie?" Do you still love me? Do you still love me, it's a yes or no question. Hallie? "Hallie?"
"What?" I could have broken down just thinking about that last conversation we had at the vineyard.
"Do you still love Harry? Because if you do, I'm not going to stand here anymore. I can't."
"I...he's just...he's got this hold on me, Adam. I can't help it and I'm trying to-"
"I can't wait anymore, Hallie. I can't wait for you to finally get over him. I'm done waiting."
"Great-fine. Then leave? No one is making you stay."
"I want you."
"I don't know what you want from me! You just said you were done waiting, so now what are you saying?"
"I'm saying that -jesus, I don't fucking know. I don't, but I need you to remember what he did. What he continued to do."
"What about what you did?! You're just as bad as he is!" I screamed, making him flinch.
"You're honestly going to go there?"
"I am honestly going to go there."
"This is a fucking joke. I'm done-I'm gone." I watched as he angrily swept up his articles of clothing. "He made you..."
"He made me what?" He stared at me before shaking his head and continuing on.
"You're just different. He ruined you." I felt like I had been punched in the face and then the gut. His words were like a bunch of little knives, even though I was pretty much already aware of that. It took him all of five minutes to get all of his things together and then he was grabbing his keys and opening up the door. "You need to let someone in, Hallie...and I really hope you're not stupid enough to pick him." He was-he had a point. He did. It was a painful, jabbing point, but it was valid one, nonetheless. I stood there for a bit. Just trying to get my head back on straight. Before waiting any longer though, I went to my room and pulled leggings and a t-shirt on, then my running shoes. I didn't care if it was raining. I didn't care what the weather was. I needed to run and run and run and run and let everything go, because that was the only tactic that was going to work.

***

Six miles later and I was dripping wet. The rain had been relentless for a week, I guessed that was due to the forever lasting drought that we'd just had, but still. It was a strange thing for Los Angeles. Heavy, heavy rain that just didn't seem to let up. I was out of breath and I still had three more blocks to go before I reached the house. I think the minute I saw the headlights and I felt the car slow down, I knew. Something just clicked inside of me and I knew and I wanted to take a rock and throw it at his windshield. "Hallie?!" I ignored him, continuing on. "Hallie, what the hell are you doing out in this?! It's almost twenty after midnight!" Again, I sped on, ignoring him entirely. I only stopped when he pulled the car abruptly in front of me and jumped out. "Hey, hey! Get in the car!"
"Leave me alone."
"Hallie, get in the car."
"No."
"Get in the fucking car, Hallie!" I didn't care how booming and angry his tone was. I wasn't going anywhere with him.
"I'm not going to get in the car! I hate you! I hate you so much!"
"Why?! What the hell changed since Viper Room?!"
"I just-I can't! I can't fucking let you drag me back! I let my guard down and-and I just fucking can't!"
"Get in the car. We can talk about this."
"Fuck you, Harry." His brows were so furrowed, I could barely see his eyes. In a split second he had thrown me over his shoulder and I was being carried around to the passenger side. "I fucking hate you-I hate you, Harry!" I was practically tossed into the front seat and then I heard him automatically lock the doors. When he slid in, he slammed his door hard.
"What were you thinking, huh? What the bloody fucking hell were you thinking? You could have been killed, running out in this, at this hour!" I sat there, arms folded, eyes glued to the road ahead of us and absolutely not on him. He hadn't started the car yet, we were still parked haphazardly on the side of the road. "HALLIE!" I had never heard him yell so loudly and so furiously. I finally turned to him, arms still folded. "What were you thinking?"
"I just had to get out and run because I was going crazy, alright?"
"What's wrong, what happened?" His breathing was still erratic and my arms were still folded. "Hallie, will you answer me, jesus!"
"I've been fucking Adam. All the time, here and in New York..." I wanted to hurt him-I wanted to say anything that would kill him. "All over the fucking place, but it was stupid. It was stupid of me to think that I could ever be in a relationship again. I should have just gone and done what you did-"
"Stop."
"Just gone out and fucked every living, breathing male. That would've showed you-"
"You're being disgusting." He snarled, hands tightly grasping the steering wheel.
"Well, what would have been the difference between you and me? God, Adam was fucking better than you and I still pushed him away. I made him leave because you-you have this...fucking never mind."
"Why did you make him leave?"
"Let me out."
"No. Tell me."
"Whether I tell you or not you're still not going to let me out."
"You still love me."
"No, I don't. I fucking don't. I hate you."
"No, you don't."
"Yes, I do. Don't tell me what I think or feel. You wouldn't know."
"I love you."
"Shut up, Harry, honestly."
"I love you, I haven't stopped lov-"
"Stop, please! Just fucking stop!" I fumbled to unlock the door and finally got it open. He tried to grab at me, but I was too quick. I slid out before he could do anything. As I moved, I heard the car pull forward and I turned around. He had parked it straight and now he was slamming the door and coming after me. It wasn't that I was scared of him. I wasn't running faster because I was scared of him. I was running because if he caught me I'd break. I'd collapse into millions of broken, pitiful pieces because he still had that hold on me. If I had to though, I was prepared to punch him in the face. I was that angry. Plus, he kind of absolutely deserved it. When his arms wrapped around my waist, I turned around and let my fist collide with his cheekbone and a string of curse words left both of our mouths. It was more painful than I had expected.
"Are you out of your bloody mind?! You're psychotic!"
"Go fuck yourself." He grabbed my arm and then latched onto both my wrists, knowing better than to let me go free. I was willing to hit him again and I think he knew that.
"Things were fine just last week, they were fine, so what happened? What the hell happened?!"
"You got inside my head-I let you get inside my head and you-you own me...it's like, you fucking control me and I can't stop it. I can't rid myself of you. I wait for you, I watch for you! My whole god damn life is you and I can't breathe! You ruined me...you ruined me and now..." I was too emotionally weak to physically fight him off and his grip was weakening.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry-I'm so sorry..."
"I can't love you...I can't love anyone because of what you did."
"Hallie, I love you. I love-"
"And I hate you. I have to hate you. Just, god, just fucking let me hate you!"
"I am not giving up...I'm not going to lose you again. I can't. You are the most important person in my life and I can't just stop. You have to understand that, I'm not just going to stop." I wanted to kiss him. Every bone in my body wanted to kiss him, but instead, I jerked my hands away, finally freeing myself. The rain was coming down even harder now, to the point where it actually hurt. I heard his boot steps as they neared closer and closer and then the house came into view. He was going to figure it out sooner or later, so I went on ahead and typed in the gate code. "You live here?"
"Go away, Harry."
"No."
"Fucking leave!" He grabbed my waist again and I tried shoving him off. "I hate you, so go home! Just go home!"
"You're my home." When he kissed me, I thought I was going to throw up, but instead, I slapped him hard across the face. He just stood there as I tried to breath. I couldn't breath. He made it impossible to breath. I didn't want him back. I refused to let him back, but I couldn't stop myself from jumping back into his arms. I couldn't stop myself from kissing him because he made it impossible. I pulled on his hair as he kissed me against the metal gate. His hands came up underneath my shirt and I let him hold me close and I let his lips sink into my neck and I let him kiss me until I could no longer feel my lips. He kissed them until they were numb but when they were numb, I knew that this was just what I was trying to get away from. This was what he did-this was that god damn hold that I could not escape from. I severed all contact and stepped back, practically ran back, leaving him shocked and confused.
"I am not yours. I don't love you anymore. I am not yours. This...is over." I don't think I'd ever told a lie that serious. I loved him so much it was disgusting. I opened the gate again and he still stood there, in utter disbelief.
"This isn't...it's not over. It can't be over." I stared down at the ground. "I found your letter...the one you wrote to me when you were drunk."
"What...what letter?"
"I was on tour and you were at home and you were drunk and you wrote me a letter. I just found it behind Jude's enclosure." He finally got the fucking word right.
"I don't...I don't know what letter...?"
"You said all these things, you ramble when your drunk. You rambled on and on about all this stuff, how I smell when I don't shower and how sometimes my hair's greasy and I get acne...but you said something that made me know...we're not over. We're never going to be over."
"What did I say?"
"No matter how bad you hurt me...if you hurt me it doesn't matter because I'll come back to you. I'll always come back to you. I will always be yours. You said that Hallie. Whether you were drunk or not...you said you'd always come back to me. I know I hurt you. I know that I messed up, but I love you. I love you more than anything in this world and I need you to give me another chance. I need you to let me in. I know you love me. I know you do, so I'm begging you, christ, I'm begging you to just forgive me. I'll do anything you want. Anything. If you need more time, I'll give it to you. I'll give you more time. If you want me to leave the country to be away from you, so you can have space, I'll do it. I'll leave, but I need you. I need you , Hal. Don't give up on me. Please, don't fucking give up on me."
"I said your name."
"What?"
"Earlier tonight...I said your name and he left."
"Adam?" I nodded and he reached for me, but I jerked away.
"You can come in."
"I can...wait, you want me to come inside...?" I didn't say anything, but I heard the gate close and then his footsteps and he was following me into the house. The dogs surrounded him with love and he gave each of them their time before following me into the bedroom. When he closed the door, I was already stripping out of my clothes. "Um..."
"I want to have sex with you. I want that. But you have to leave after."
"I'm not going-"
"That is what I want!" He flinched at my sudden shouting. He stood there for a few minutes. He watched me as I continued to remove my bra and underwear. In a matter of seconds, he tore his wet jeans away and his shirt and he kicked off his boots and he came to me and he picked me up and put me on the bed and he didn't waste any time. I allowed him to kiss my neck before hiding his face there. It didn't take long for either of us, but as my nails scraped down his back, I cried silent tears. He smelled like home and he felt so good and it was everything I'd been longing for. Months and torturous months of longing for this man. He whispered my name over and over again as he came, but I stayed silent. I continued to cry and my chest was heaving. It wasn't until he removed his face from the nape of my neck that he noticed.
"Hallie..." I just shook my head. I couldn't look at him. "Baby, please..."
"You can go." I finally choked out, my voice noticeably strained.
"Please-"
"I said you can go. Go home." It took another few seconds of him staring at me, his eyes full of sadness, before he finally rolled off of me. I turned onto my side and faced the window, I couldn't watch him dress himself and leave. I was fairly certain I'd die. I heard him sniffle a few times, but I couldn't tell he was crying until the door opened.
"I love you, Hallie. I love you more than you will ever know." I could hear the sob in his voice, but I didn't allow myself to fully breakdown until I heard the front door open and close.