stand here with me || h.s

22.

Disclaimer: try not to cry too hard? Big, big love
Em & Ky xo

Twenty-two : Harry

Her nightmare of me wasn't reoccurring. She was different though. We both were. I was distant and angry about what I knew I had to do, but I think she was afraid of me. She wouldn't look me in the eyes. She wouldn't really even say much. We were beginning to drift. The negative affects of the past year had begun to show through, despite the hope that we had both been holding onto so dearly. I was sick. Sick to my stomach. Part of me wished she would just end it. End us. It was selfish, it was. I wasn't sure how I'd be able to do it. I did know that the longer I waited...the longer I strung it out, the more it would hurt, both of us. It was already killing me. "Harry?" I turned around in my desk chair to see her walking into the room. Her purse soon being slung onto the less than organized surface.

"Hi baby."

"You didn't answer your phone." Sure enough, upon clicking on the power button, the dead battery signage appeared before disappearing once again.

"Must've died, everything okay?" She stood there, looking at me with such sad eyes. When she walked around to my side and curled herself up in my lap, I couldn't stop my throat from constricting. "Hallie?" She just shook her head. I settled for the silence and smoothed her hair down. "I love you so much, alright?"

"Then why does it feel like you don't?" I bit down on my bottom lip, trying to stop myself from sobbing.

"I do, I do, I swear, I do."

"Then what's happening? Why are things like this?" Her green eyes were filled with broken tears.

"Baby..." As I tucked a strand of hair back into her ponytail, my vision grew intensely blurry. "I love you more than anything in this world. I never want you to think that I don't, yeah?"

"Harry...?"

"Hallie, angel...what I did..." I was struggling with my words. "I made so many mistakes, but you're paying for them. They changed you...I hurt you..."

"Don't..." She shook her head as more tears fell down her cheeks.

"You haven't healed yet. You need to heal."

"Harry, don't-don't you dare."

"I love you so much." She hurried away from me and I felt myself breaking.

"You keep saying that like it's supposed to mean something!"

"It does mean something, it will always mean something."

"You're breaking up with me. You're leaving me."

"Because I love you. Hallie, you deserve the world. You deserve the whole fucking universe. You deserve better than me."

"That is so fucking cowardly of you. You're running away. I'm a problem and you're just sweeping me underneath the rug!"

"I'm not-I'm not!" I tried to reach for her but she pulled away. "You are not a problem. Baby, you're my whole life-"

"Then why are you giving up on me? I'll be better, I'll try to be better..." That was when my heart broke. She thought this was her fault. She thought it was on her.

"Hallie..." I cupped her face in my hands and admired everything minuscule detail. "Hallie, this isn't on you. I'm not leaving you because of you. I'm leaving...I messed up. I hurt you. I broke you. This is on me. All of this is on me. I'm letting you go. You may not think so now, you may hate me, but I'm doing this because you deserve the very best. You deserve everything and I can't give you anything right now." She squeezed her eyes shut and continued to shake her head. "Hallie, these past few months have been...they've been good and me and you...we've been so hopeful about it. About us. But can't you see that we're unhappy? Can't you see that we're bringing each other down? It's not healthy. It's not even remotely close to being healthy. You're distant and I know it's because you're still angry with me-"

"I'm not, I'm not angry! I just want us to work. I don't want you to leave me! Don't leave me, Harry..." I pulled her thin frame against my chest and held her tightly.

"Baby..." She quickly escaped my grasp and wiped frantically at her watery eyes.

"No, no! No matter what I say-no matter what I do...it's not going to change anything. I could beg you to stay but you'll still go. You'll still leave me."

"Because I love you, Hallie! I love you too much to let you live this way!"

"Don't I get a say? Do I get any say in whether you stay or go?" I was silent. "You've already made up your mind. This wasn't ever my choice. You already chose."

"Why can't you choose me? Why won't you choose me and love me?"

"I do love you."

"Then why are you leaving?!"

"Because you deserve a life with someone who will consistently make you happy. Right now, Hallie...the past will always come between us. It will always be the riff. I'm not saying we have to be apart forever, I'm hoping that's not the case-"

"So if we're meant to be we'll just be fine and dandy, right? You'll find me ten years from now and we'll live happily ever after? Cause this is a fairytale, I forgot."

"If ten years from now, I get to marry you, I'll do it in a heartbeat."

"I hate you. I hate you so much." I wasn't going to argue with her on that. I wouldn't stop her from saying those words, because I would hate me too. "I hope you find happiness somewhere. I hope you find it in some idiot girl. Maybe she'll love you half as much as I did." I couldn't find a single word to say to her as she walked away from me. I couldn't think of anything. I stood frozen as she left my home. I couldn't even cry. I was utterly and entirely numb.