stand here with me || h.s

26.

Twenty-six : Harry

We stood together, side by side, as the vet explained the process. It would be fairly quick, and she wouldn't experience any pain. It was going to be peaceful and serene and Penny was going to go with us right next to her. Patch and Griffin would be there and she'd be surrounded by the people who loved her. The older man gave each of us a nod as he positioned the needle, in the skin on her neck. I watched as Hallie's slender fingers traced repeatedly over the fur on her snout, while mine smoothed over her torso. Soon, he was removing the needle and our girl was slowly starting to fade away. Silent, noiseless tears practically poured from Hallie's eyes as her lip trembled drastically. She was trying so hard to keep her composure, I could see how she was struggling. I reached over and enveloped her hand in mine and she squeezed it. Just as Dr. Henson had said, when she was entirely gone, she lost control of her bladder, causing a small puddle to drip onto the pad. Hallie let out a sob and wrapped her arms around the lifeless body of the animal we had both adored so deeply. I watched helplessly as she cried over her and I couldn't feel anything but remorse and guilt and sadness. A few minutes later, he began to wrap her body in a cloth and Hallie was forced to let go of her. As he did so, I pulled her over and she collapsed in my lap. I let her cry and cry and cry. Eventually, it was just her and I left and she still had her face against my thigh. "Hallie..."

"I know...I know I shouldn't be crying like this..."

"Oh, lovely, no...no, you're allowed to cry...you can cry for as long as you need, alright? I'll stay here with you for as long as you need me to stay here. Swear it, yeah?" She only nodded and pulled me closer. We stayed there for christ knows how long. I held her, though she had stopped crying, because I couldn't let her go. I wasn't sure yet if it was for her sake or mine, but I continued to hold her because the thought of having to let her go wasn't bearable in that moment. I wasn't ready. I was quite certain that I never truly would be. She would always be choice I could never have. She would always be the one that I wanted. The woman of my dreams.

When she finally pulled away, I almost didn't let her. I almost didn't let her go. "I can't believe she's gone. I just...I can't believe it."

"I know." I reached my thumb over and wiped a semi-dried tear away. Just like that, she stood up and threw her hair up in a messy ponytail, and when I say it looked messy, it actually looked a bloody wreck, but she was still so beautiful. Absolutely stunning, so much so, it pained me in every possible way.

"I need a drink. Do you want a drink?" I followed her into the kitchen and watched as she tried to climb up on the counter.

"Would you like me to get whatever it is that you're looking for?" She shook her head and continued to climb. I stepped forward and placed my hands firmly on her slim hips when it looked like she might tumble down, but then she was able to successfully grab the bottle. I almost laughed when she put it onto the granite.

"Jose, really?"

"Wine and beer really aren't going to do."

"Fair enough."

"Do you want some?" I contemplated saying no, but then I was nodding and she was pouring me a shot glass full and it was too late to decline. "So..."

"So."

"When is your wedding?" I was surprised that she brought this up and it definitely wasn't something I wanted to discuss.

"We're going to talk about this?"

"I don't see why not." She poured another shot for herself and gulped it down. "We can be friends. We were best friends before."

"I can't be friends with you, Hallie."

"Why not?" I couldn't say it was because she was still the love of my life. I couldn't verbalize that.

"We're getting married in Cheshire next spring." She laughed but it had to have been the phoniest thing I'd ever heard.

"Congratulations."

"Hallie..."

"What?" She choked down one more before I took the bottle from her. "I'm not done with that."

"Yes you are. Never did know when to stop."

"I know when to stop."

"No, you clearly do not."

"We just put down our dog-well, technically, she's mine since you haven't actually been a part of her life for seven years now."

"That's not fair."

"How is it not fair? It wouldn't have been difficult to just pop in and see her from time to time."

"It wouldn't have been easy."

"Please explain to me how seeing our dog would have been hard."

"Because I would've had to see you!"

"What's so bad about seeing me?"

"Nothing is bad about seeing you but I couldn't. Not if I was supposed to get over you, jesus, Hallie..." When I looked back at her after my eyes had been trained on the ground, I saw them filling with tears. "Why are you crying?"

"Because."

"Tell me why." I stepped forward and she wiped frantically at her already swollen cheeks, though more tears were already coming. "Hallie?"

"You didn't have to get over me..." She said, shaking her head and swallowing down sobs. "I didn't want you to." I used my thumbs to wipe the wetness away.

"I thought it's what you wanted. I'm sorry, I just...I thought that's what was best."

"So, you made the decision again."

"What?"

"You had already made up your mind about breaking up with me in the first place and then you made up your mind about getting over me."

"No, no, no...Hallie, it wasn't like that."

"I never had a say-I haven't ever had a say."

"Why didn't you ever tell me this?"

"It was too late, I guess. I met Miles and you met her and we just...we never really had a chance."

"We've always had a chance."

"No...not with you making every choice regarding the outcome." She stepped away from me. "It's like you never even wanted me."

"Don't-don't say that. You know that isn't true. I've wanted you since the day that I met you. I haven't ever stopped wanting you, Hallie. Not one day has passed that I haven't wanted you." She was silent as she stared up at me.

"What do you expect me to say to that?"

"I don't know, jesus, I haven't got a clue..." She scoffed and began to walk away.  "Tell me not to marry her. Tell me that you still love me...tell me anything you want." She watched me for a long time. It seemed like hours though it was really only about half a minute.

"We're always going to be there, you and me. I don't think we'll ever go away. I'll always...you know I will. You know that this..." She pointed to her heart, "will always be yours. But I think you should marry her."

"If you tell me not to, Hal, I won't."

"I know." She stepped closer to me and wrapped her arms around my neck. "But I'm telling you that you should. I'm telling you to marry her, Harry." My heart broke. I'd wanted her to say the exact opposite. I would've been down on my knee so quickly. But she had made her choice, just as I had made mine-ours. I had made our decisions alone and that was why we were both standing here today, taken by other people. It pained me to have to agree, but I knew that it had to be right. I knew she had to be right.

"Okay. I'll marry her then. I'll marry Beth."