Off-Screen (무대아래에서) | Haobin

A Real Confession (말로 고백)

What is he doing?

Hanbin sits up on his knees, removing himself entirely from Hao Hyung's body. Panic rockets through him. Hao Hyung's expression is shifting from shock to confusion to concern as Hanbin's heartbeat climbs higher.

What did he do?

"I- I'm so sorry," Hanbin chokes out. "I didn't mean--"

Hao Hyung looks alarmed now, and he sits up too, sliding his legs out from under Hanbin. He tentatively reaches out to grab at Hanbin's arms. Then, to Hanbin's horror, Hao Hyung's expression smooths over like when he's talking to the cameras. He hides from him.

"It's okay," he reassures him. "It didn't mean anything, Hanbin. You're under so much pressure right now. You just went a little crazy."

"No." Hanbin just shakes his head. How can Hao Hyung say it didn't mean anything?

"It's alright. It didn't mean anything. Don't think about it. We're okay," Hao Hyung reassures him again, stroking his arms to comfort him. "I know you never show others how much pressure you feel, but you can show me. I feel that pressure too. I understand. I have crazy moments, too."

Hao Hyung thinks he's freaking out because he doesn't want to admit he likes men. But Hanbin's actually freaking out because he lost control of himself and he doesn't know if Hao Hyung likes him like that. He thinks he does, maybe. But he should have been sure before he touched him in that way.

"I should go," Hanbin says shakily. Hanbin can't be around him if he can't control himself. He starts to get up, but Hao Hyung's grip on his arms hardens and he stops him from leaving.

"No. Sit down," Hao Hyung tells him, quiet but commanding. "Don't go out there where we can't talk about this."

Hanbin swallows his tears back. He sits down again slowly.

"You're hiding from me," he whispers to Hao Hyung. Hao Hyung blinks at him, but he doesn't look confused. After a moment, his composure... loosens.

"I won't," he says slowly. Anxiety peeks through his eyes again, and it actually makes Hanbin feel better. His camera-ready face dissolves fully and Hanbin can see him again, nervous and uncertain. "I just didn't expect this. You know I'm not good with... surprises."

"I didn't either," Hanbin tells him honestly. He stares down at his hands and his eyes fill with tears he can't fight back. "I didn't mean to force you to--"

"Don't." Hao Hyung looks angry. "You didn't force me. You're as gentle as a kitten, Hanbin-ah. I could have pushed you away easily."

That makes Hanbin feel much better. He'd felt so out of control when he pushed Hao Hyung down... but at least Hao Hyung didn't feel that way.

"Talk to me," Hyung urges him again. "Tell me what's wrong. If you keep everything inside you'll go crazy."

Hanbin takes a deep breath. He lets it out slowly.

"I... like you," Hanbin chokes on it, but it comes out. Hao Hyung has never looked so surprised, through all the twists and turns of the survival show, as when Hanbin says that. "I realized it only recently. And I didn't know what to do. And I hate this place." Hanbin looks scathingly around at the bathroom. "I think you should be first rank instead of me. I'm... really happy that we're close to achieving our dreams together. I just want to debut with you and perform with you for the rest of my career." Hanbin swallows. That was all completely disjointed, but he did what Hao Hyung asked. He shared. He pauses before he voices his last worry. "I really don't want to mess up our chances at debuting."