razors hurt

chapter 11:

-Clifton-

4:03 a.m.

I felt a burning in my chest, like something had gone horribly wrong. Like something had gone horribly right. My chest tightened, my heart rate felt like it had stopped. My lung felt impaled, like I'd just been stabbed.

Ella!

My head throbbed, I heard my parents talking about how her mum and dad we're getting her back, she must've not agreed. Shit! I just have to make sure.

I jumped across my room to my charging phone. Reaching out, my fingers held tight to it as I jumped back into my warm bed.

Me: Ella!

Me: Ella, are you there?

No response. She was probably sleeping, I'll text her in the morning again, just to make sure. My chest tightened, lack of oxygen kept me awake. Panic rose in my blood, what if she wasn't alright? Shit! She's just gotten out, and I feel as if I've already failed her.

***

11:36 a.m.

Still no response from Ella. I was too worried about her to get out of bed. Knocking on my door alerted me.

"cliff?" I heard Alexa call out.

"hey Lex, come in." I yelled back, making sure she could hear me.

"cliff please don't worry but I need you to stay calm." I was watching her facial expression, I've only seen her so hurt once, when mum died.

"Lex?" worry flooded my mind, the same two words circled my mind... who died?

***

11:43 a.m.

My legs started to fall beneath me, my vision going blurry. Breathing slowed, I collapsed. I felt Alexa's hands catch me, her warm breath heavier than usual.

"cliff?" she whispered in my ear, concern flooding her voice. I couldn't form words just sound.

An ear-splitting scream swamped the room, I had no idea where it came from. Until I realised my mouth open, it had come from me.

***

12:07 p.m.

She'd only been gone for a few hours, but it felt like she hadn't been with me on this earth for years.

***

3:54 p.m.

Standing in Ella's parents living room, police walking around us, up and down the stairs. Not much privacy. But her parents didn't care.

"Clifton, we know how much you cared about our darling daughter, would you like to speak at her funeral?" they begged, I didn't want to decline since they were going through such a hard time, losing their daughter permanently , after losing her once already to a similar situation.

"I would be honoured to." I told them, tears threating to come back to fill my eyes.

They didn't say anything else, but I could see the gratitude in their facial expressions.

***

I don't want to be a massive bitch, but I just couldn't talk at her funeral, there were too many people. Too many judging eyes. What if I made a mistake, and embarrassed myself at one of my best friends' funerals.

"hey mate? How are you feeling, you know you don't have to do this right?" her dad, Jeff, came up to me, he was so caring, I now see where she got her gorgeous brown eyes, it was like I was looking in Ella's, but alas I will never do that again.

The funeral was going to start in 20 minutes, but my anxiety was getting the best of me. Ella's dad hadn't left my side. I know he was a bit of an ass-hat, but he somehow got me, in a way no-one else could.

"you ready kid?" Jeff asked me, he was about to go up and give his speech. I couldn't bring myself to talk, I felt nauseous. "alright, my turn." He let out a deep sigh, and gave me a wink.

I couldn't stop myself, it made me smile. I don't have a relationship with my dad, well I do, but it barley counts. Jeff Parkton, the man I despised for ages because of Ella's problems, was actually the person who was making me feel the best at this time of grief.

"hello everyone... family, friends..." he gulped and sighed. "and loved ones of my darling daughter... Ella." He struggled to even mention her name. "I want to start this speech by thanking everyone for coming to the celebration of... my... late daughters' life. You were all so special to her and she cared for each one of you deeply. I want to... to... say sorry, to my darling daughter, I am ashamed that I couldn't help you when you were struggling." Her dad told everyone, stopping a tear from rolling off his face.

I glanced at Siri, tears sliding and falling off her face, I couldn't even begin to think about what was going through her head that day. She was on the row beside me, holding her mothers' hand. Siri broke contact with her parents, it's so unfortunate that such a sad time has brought them together again.

"I would now like to bring to the stage... Clifton, followed by the rest of my Ella's friends." Jeff took a seat beside me, gave me a warm smile and gestured me towards the stand.

My legs felt like jelly, like I was about to collapse. As I continued towards the stand, my head throbbed, vision blurred. My head spinning. Throw up lingered in my throat. Shit!

"hello everyone, I would like to start off by saying" I started, I froze. Vomit threating so show. Thankfully it didn't feel like it would. My mouth was left open, but I couldn't seem to allow words to exit. I stood there, silent for thirty seconds. Siri gave me a concerning look, mouthing 'are you alright?', I nodded but still no words we're showing up.

Then the threating vomit decided to show. Before I knew it, my hand was over my mouth and I was running off the stage. Luckily a bin was on the side.

***

Everyone else had payed their respects to Ella, except me. I felt like a bitch. Why couldn't I talk? Why did I have to freeze up like that? Why couldn't my puke wait five minutes. For fuck sake, nothing seemed to go my way this week.

As they we're wrapping up the funeral, Ella's parents started to thank everyone for coming, regret formed in the pit of my stomach, in the back of my mind. I had to ignore it. It was too late. I needed to forget about it.