The Ranting Book of Rants

RANT#5

HELLO ALL U BOOTYFUL CUPCAKES!!!!!!SINCE TODAY MIGHT BE LAST, I DECIDED TO DO DOUBLE UPDATE!!!!!!U SEE THAT VID UP THERE? PEWDIEPIE'S "THOMAS.WAS A TRAIN ALL ALONG". U SEE THAT PIC? THAT IS STEVEN VLADEMIR'S LONG LOST BRO, BOB FINIGGAN VLADEMIR! ENJOY THE RANT AND THE VID!!!!THNX FOR ALL DEM SUPPORT! NOTE: PLZ DON'T TAKE IT AS OFFENSIVE, I'M JUST VOICING MY OPINION, MKAAYYY●w●

Today's rant will be about................................................ONE DIRECTION FANFICS!!!!

We all knew it was coming, cupcakes. The day when I would finally rant about this extremely disturbing subject. AND I will not just RANT about it. I'm going to.........
(*Cue drumroll*)
WRITE A FANFIC!!!!
Yes, bootyful cupcakes. I am going to write a trollfic about one direction, right here, right now. It's only gonna be two chapters, of course, but it it will be BOOTYFUL, I promise.
So, lets get to the point. Ever since one direction EXISTED, there have been fangirls. And where there are fangirls, there are fanfics. Some fanfics are actually nice( without the sex). Others, however, are just......................ABSOLUTE SHIT.
C'mon, snap out of it. How many times can u randomly find one of them IN STARBUCKS, or on the streets, or "their tour bus magically broke down right in front of ur garden". IT DASSNT HAPPEN IN REAL LIFE, MKAAAYYYYYYYY. Plz, just for once, use ur common sense. 1D are multi-millionares with a gianormous mansion. The chances that they notice u are like, 1 in a million. And if they DO date a 13 or 14 or 12 year old, they will get arrested for pedophilia. So no, it ain't gonna happen, honey.
Probably the most read 1D fanfic of all time, is AFTER. I STILL don't get how everyone likes that piece of crap(no offense). I mean, it is literally a PORNO. Even worse than Fifty Shades. And the only reason( I think) that everyone likes AFTER is because of the SEX. SHEESH. Calm down dem hormones, girls. The really scary thing, however, is that the majority of readers of AFTER were 11-12 year old. And they were the ones who later wrote 1D fanfics, with LOTS AND LOTS OF SEX!!!!!!!!!!!!!GODDAMMIT.

PRESENTER AND NOW, GET READY FOR A FANFIC SO MIND-BLOWING THAT U WILL LITERALLY FLY, FOR A FANFIC SO BOOTYFUL U WILL LITERALLY CRY,
A TYPICAL 1D FANFIC!
BY UR FAVORITE AUTHOR AND RANT MASTER, DARKLIGHTLILY!!!!!
(*cue applause*)
*Le me rises*:"Thank u, Thank u very much. All I have to say before we start, is *takes deep beath* ENJOY MUTHAFUCKAS!!!!!!"*sits back down*

A TYPICAL 1D FANFIC
BY:DarkLightLily

PROLOGUE:
Hi, my name is Hannah, and I am a typical teenage girl working in Starbucks. My normal, everyday life took an unexpected turn when I met the love of my life, Harry Styles. A lot has happened after we met, but I will start off the story of my life with the day that I met him.

CHAPTER 1:

My eyes fluttered open to the melodic sounds of the morning. Birds were twittering on the trees and the sun was shining through the window. I slowly stretched my aching limbs and slid out of the bed. I put on my white, fluffy bunny slippers, threw on my fluffy pink bathrobe that I had bought from Walmart the other day, and shuffled into my bathroom. I slowly stripped off my pajamas, and hopped into the shower. When I turned on the shower, I felt the blissfully warm water drench my body as I stood there, revelling in the warmth of the water. I picked up my Blue Herbal Essences shampoo and lathered a liberal amount on my hair. It had the most beautiful aroma of flowers that simulated my sense of smell. After I washed the shampoo off, I picked up my Victoria's Secret "Such a Flirt" and lathered it all over my body. It smelled deliciously of vanilla and strawberries. I then brushed my teeth with the new Colgate toothpaste. After finally purifying and cleansing my person, I wore my bathrobe and ambled out of the bathroom. I then proceeded to towel dry my long, blonde locks, and wear my clothes, which consisted of a Victoria's Secret size D-48 black bra and panties, a baggy, light pink jumper, and jean shorts. I slowly pulled on my black Converse, walked to the dresser, and proceeded to apply my makeup. First, I caked on some Bobbi Brown foundation, then I drew on a winged eyeliner around my eye. Then I applied my Max Factor Lipfinity on my lips, which was followed by a Maybelline mascara and deep, venom purple eyeshadow. Finally, I applied a light pink blush and completed my typical morning make-up. I brushed out my long,straight,blonde locks and tied it up in a messy bun. I placed my hands on my 23 inch hips and contemplated myself in the mirror. "Yep, lookin' good", I murmued to myself. "Hannah, breakfast's ready!" my mom called, her voice floating up the stairs to my room. I ambled out of my room and leapt down the stairs towards the porcelain, white-tiled kitchen. My mom's back was turned, her attention turned towards the stove. I sat down elegantly at the kitchen table, glancing at my plate of food, which consisted of scrambled eggs, deeply fired bacon, a few pieces of fresh fruit, and a cup of coffee. As I indulged into my nutritious breakfast, I contemplated my surroundings as I listened to my mother's endless talk. The familiar kitchen, it's shining, white porcelain tiles and the black kitchen counter. My mom always talked. Whether it was about the neighbors, or some T.V show she watched, or the media, she always had something to talk about. Oh, I just love my mom. She is the best parent anyone could have asked for. When I finished my nutritious, delicious breakfast, I got up to put the plate and the cup in the sink. "Honey, I'm going over to the supermarket to buy some groceries. You remember to call when you come back home from Starbucks, okay?". "Thanks mom, I'll remember," I replied as she tossed the car keys in my direction. I bounded over to my small,white Toyata, jumped into the driver's seat, turned on the engine, and cranked up my radio. I backed out of my garage and drove towards Starbucks, the small coffe shop I worked in.