An Unlikely Love Affair

22 - Conflicted

IRENE

The moment Lisa and I first kissed I knew she was going to be trouble.

I'm not saying she's bad for me in a literal sense, it's just that often the swell of emotions distorts my judgment, putting everything that matters in my life before Lisa, on the line. I become uninhibited when I'm with her and although this side of me feels very liberating, I can't afford to be careless.

This industry and the society we live in can be ruthless. There are a set of rules and standards that you are expected to follow. Artists and even public figures in general have easily been cancelled for doing something inconsequential but deemed unacceptable by these unwritten standards. It's a sad and toxic practice, yet this has become our norm.

It's not so much saving my own career as it is trying to protect Red Velvet. I don't want to jeopardize my members and our hard work just because I can't reel my emotions in. But then I don't think I can give up my relationship with Lisa either. If I do, I won't be able to bear the thought of her with someone else and I most definitely don't want to think of her doing what we do together with any other girl but me.

Honestly, I'm the happiest I've ever been but I have this gnawing dread that our relationship will be exposed and both our groups will suffer the consequences of our recklessness. Lisa is young and heedless. If it were up to her, she'd let the whole world know that we're officially dating.

The last time we were together and the one time I gave in, we almost got caught. Yeri nearly walked in on us while we were in a... let's just say, very compromising position. All that pent up desire became too overwhelming. It burned within and lit my body up, leaving it hot and aching to be touched. It's a good thing that it's just Yeri and we were at our dorm. I shudder to think if it were otherwise.

There's no one to blame but myself though. First of all, I invited Lisa over knowing full well what it implied. 2nd, I forgot to lock the door and lastly, I didn't actually want her to stop.

I mean, who can think straight with a sexually charged Lisa, leading and dominating the whole situation? Suffice to say that her mouth is skilled not just in rapping and singing but also in rendering her girl senseless.

In hindsight, I almost convinced myself that it was all worth the risk because god did it feel so good. All the sensations were new to me and Lisa being the one to make me feel them only elevated the experience and brought me to places I have never imagined existed.

She has effortlessly drawn out my hidden kinks because as much as I don't want to admit it, the panic of possibly getting caught at that moment only stimulated me more.

As we were planning how she'd leave without being seen, Lisa shocked me by boldly walking out the door like it was the most normal thing in the world. As if it wouldn't draw suspicion from my members to see both of us coming out of my room, looking flushed and titillated. I fixed my hair and hurriedly wiped her mouth which was still gleaming from my arousal before we reached the living room where Wendy and Yeri were.

"Oh, Lisassi! What are you... Are you with... Did you just come out of Joohyun unnie's room?" Wendy jabbered, clearly surprised.

"Lisa, was just about to go. She just picked something up for Jennie." I said rather defensively, eyeing Yeri who didn't say anything, though she didn't need to anyway. The flicker in her eyes and her knowing smirk said it all.

My members aren't that dense not to notice that there's something going on. They joke about it and tease me sometimes but in the end, they never force me to admit to anything.

I want to tell them but it never feels like the right time. I never once doubted my members' support but I'm slightly terrified of what their reaction would be. Blackpink has come to terms with Lisa's sexuality but remembering Jennie's initial reaction makes me anxious. I've been teased about hating men and there are fan videos about it circulating online but I'm certain no one would ever think it possible that I'd be interested in dating a woman.