Las Vegas

6. Am i stupid all this time

Bright
I dont know what right choice is.

Honestly i am very thankful for phi mile consideration. Since i meet him, t felt like i always be his burden but he never show me a bit of it. May be his age and calm attitude make me also calm and comfortable with him. I am the type who love to stay at home, private person but since i in the industry it mean i have no privacy and i slowly getting adjust to that. I dont mean bad or hate win but comparing him with phi mile cant be avoid. They are very different. Being with win always make me force myself to enjoy his plan or even to force to enjoy our private time together. I always felt force to do anything while being with phi mile i am comfortable and can be myself. I know we are only stranger but when i am with him i can feel he is very matured and calm person. Someone who can lead me and respect what i want. Something that i never get from win. Sometime i am wonder wether he love me for who i am or because of our fans and work. I really dont know and i personally felt being drag and force into this relation.

After saying good bye i try to relax and organizing my mom legacy in my private room. I love phi mile idea to display all her item with all my favorite collection. This way i only need to here if i miss her. I quickly open the door when i heard non stop bell ringing. What are you doing, i ask win who now look furious and get into my house angrily.
Are you cheating on me, he ask me loud and clear. I what, i ask him again. Are you really married because of drunk or you plan to do it, he ask me again. Win, where this come from, i swear i never met him before i said try to calm him. What is this, he ask me and show me the picture..it was our picture at my mom funeral and today picture where i packing my mom belonging.
Its all after the marriage, i said. I thought you know me, i said a bit hurt when he accuse me for cheating. He look at me. You should call me, he said firmly. I try, i try hard the day i got the news when my mom is getting worst, i call you so many time and cry all day but you ignore and reject all my call. What do you expect me to do beside received help from a stranger, i ask him. He now look at me. I am sorry, i really dont know about that, he said slowly getting calm. I am angry when you keep asking to break up,  so i try to make you understand how will you feel when we break up, he said.  You should know me now, i wont go crazily call you hundred times if it not important and urgent, i said. I know, he said slowly. Now i chuckle. So you choose your anger instead of me who might be in danger, i said. You are in the damm hotel , in what way could you be in danger, he ask me. We both man , we can take care of ourself i continue before he said it.  He now look at me. I know we can take care of ourself, i said. But that the way how couple live, worry and take care of each other. I might be not beat or rape by someone, but i am married to someone because i fail to protect myself and your ignorant. You felt its okay to leave me at any part of this world, because i am a man, i said. I ask you to send me to the hotel, if you dont want me to joint because i am light drinker.  But you just leave me there, while i am being tipsy. I am human, i can make mistake. I can angry, i also can do anything you do, but i always contraint myself because of you i calmly said. I am so proud of myself. I am extra calm and nor crying even talking about what i hate the most during our relation. He now look at me with guilty eyes. You know how you always look at me, he suddenly ask me.
You look at me like , i will never can satisfy all your need and want he said. I know i cant be your great ideal man. Its really burden to be with someone like you who are top of the industry, sweetheart to everyone, smartest man i ever meet , he finally pour out how he felt. Every single thing you do become gold and trend he said again.  I only can smile and look at him. That mean, you still dont know me, i said slowly. I am sorry for being that burden. Dont worry, lets start new chapter. Let be a friend like we use to do. I wont expect anything from you, and you dont need to burden yourself with me. I just want you to know being your partner also not easy for me, i felt the same but i know who you are and i put it behind me, i focus on what we have. I never mean to be your burden or whatever you call. I just look for some understanding and respect, live like normal couple who love and care about each other. Thank you for being honest at last,  i said again very calm. Dont put it like that, you will make me feel bad win said. I dont care anymore. Lets end this for real now, i said. Thank you for everyting and i am sorry for my weaknesses, i said and leave him alone. I walk to my room and after a while i heard win leave my house.

The way he view me are as a entertainer or maybe rival and not as a lover. Its hurt so much but i need to admit that its not easy for someone to accept me for who i am not because of my fame and name. But as the closest person to me, i felt really hurt when he see me as competitor he need to win. For me he just my partner, my cute bunny not the rich superstar metawin. So at the first place it was wrong. I really dont see this. Am i stupid all this time

07.08.23