Heart on Fire | Noah Sebastian

Chapter 4

I went about the rest of my day feeling empty and deprived. I craved and craved but was never fulfilled, but I can't express exactly what would fulfil me. Obviously it is Belle, but would just talking to her fulfil my craving? Or is it something more than that. Would wrapping my arms around her body and lacing hers around my neck whilst I kissed her neck fulfil me? Would my fingertips dancing on the skin on her thigh up to her hips and into her waist where I could pull her body closer into mine as I kiss her lips deeper than she's ever been kissed fulfil me? Would having her body to hold close to mine at night fulfil me?

Regardless, I feel deprived. I could not be satiated. All the choc chip muffins and hot coffee in the bakery could not fill the growing void within my stomach. But is there a void to be filled or is it the hole Alyssa filled opening again? I can't determine exactly what it is, but it occurred to me that I should be feeling more about leaving Alyssa than what I do. I mean, I felt heartbroken yet relieved after I finally left her and began driving down the highway but then I crashed my car and everything changed. It literally changed within moments. It was as if Alyssa was wiped from me. It was as if the years of trauma and exclusivity she put me through didn't matter anymore.

I hobbled home the small bag of groceries I could and put them away into my cupboard. I stood quietly within my kitchen, for the first time feeling truly alone yet safe. I couldn't even sneeze in my old house without Alyssa knowing about it. I never felt safe in my own home once she moved in. I didn't feel the fear of her watching me. I knew she wasn't in this town and I knew she had no idea what my new address was; she wasn't in my home. I felt safe and the feeling of safety made me feel good. I felt warm, felt whole, no longer looking over my shoulder.

But I still felt deprived...

I spent the rest of the day caught up in daydreams of life with Belle. I would be there to hold her at night and hear about her day. I would be there to wash her hair if she had a long day and I would be there to rub her shoulders when she felt stressed. I would be there to cook her dinner when she didn't have the energy and I would be the one to pour her another glass of wine as we sit in old camp chairs beside a fire pit in my backyard. We would talk about everything yet nothing at the same time as the embers danced above our heads. She would get up and sit on my lap in my chair to get closer to me; her arms laced lazily around my neck as we both take another sip. She would throw her head back laughing at a corny joke I've just made and I'd just stare at her beautiful face.

Belle would take me downtown so she could try on clothes and get my opinion. I'd say she looks great in everything and not because I would be scared to say the wrong thing but because I truly thought so. She would take me to her favourite Mexican restaurant because it was her turn to choose date night and we'd order too many margaritas and stumble home in each other's arms late at night. Or we'd stay in and she'd cook me a meal as we watch a corny rom com movie. She would dip her fries into a chocolate sundae because she enjoys the sweet and salty texture. Or we'd silently enjoy each other's company sitting on my front porch in the sun watching the traffic go by.

Fuck, my daydreams hardly allude to the fact that i'd recently left a 3 year relationship. Alyssa is a narcissist who would move on within minutes but I genuinely cannot remember my life with her without trauma. I don't know if it was because i'd hit my head so many times in my car accident or my brain is protecting me from further trauma but all I know is that she was apart of my life at some point and it fucking interupts me all the time. I want to daydream about this beautiful girl I've found but the thought of Alyssa interrupts me often.

I imagine sitting by a fire with Belle, laughing about a corny joke I made; interrupted with vague memories of Alyssa starting a fight with my best friend at a backyard bbq by a fire. I imagine driving with Belle singing to songs we both love; interrupted with Alyssa complaining about the traffic and how uncomfortable she is and how much she hates my music. I imagine staring at Belle and listening to her talk about her day; interrupted with Alyssa complaining she'd been fired again for essentially being a cunt her coworkers and really not doing any work at all. Also asking why the fuck i'd be staring at her at all.