Heart on Fire | Noah Sebastian

Chapter 30

The last week of the tour, whilst incredible, seemed to drag on forever. I found myself constantly consumed by the thought of Belle and craving her touch. She had to take off early that morning for her job, taking new recruits through some training program at a nearby training academy and that was the last I saw of her. Her beautiful naked body escaped my grasp to take a shower and kiss me goodbye. I've missed her ever since. I guess she'd been super busy at the academy because I've barely heard from her.

However, in her absence, I was left in the wake of the catastrophe of my life that festered amongst my band mates and friends. Whilst my immediate band mates grew to understand the situation I was in rather quickly, convincing Keaton and his band became difficult. And I don't blame them. From an outsider's perspective, I was the guy who cheated on his current, incredible girlfriend with his dirty, filthy ex, and in some way I am, but my band understood otherwise. They knew I was being manipulated and they constantly raved about how Belle took her down with 'straight up facts hoe". I never wanted to tell the others about the trauma I've been through, as I felt it portrayed me as weak and powerless, but I laid it all out on the table. Sober.

I explained why I was acting the way I was, why I was constantly under the influence on tour. I explained in detail the abuse I'd suffered by Alyssa and how Belle came into my life and saved me and so on. I even admitted to looking into therapies when I got home to help me cope. To the untrained ear, like my friends, it all sounded like a childish excuse, but once my band confirmed what I'd been through was real, they all began to understand. The days following were awkward though, no one really knew how to act around me after that.

But tour had finally ended and whilst we were nutting out the finer details of the album, preparing for a single release, I had some important personal business to take care of. My brother Connor has been waiting for my return so that he could introduce me to his new boyfriend. Regardless of what I've been through recently, I was looking forward to this pivotal moment. It was bewildering to me, going through a traumatic childhood with my brother, escaping our childhood home and losing touch with him to repairing our relationship to a familial point of intimacy years later. Connor wanted me to meet his new partner. I never felt that with Alyssa, I was so ashamed. Looking back, I was embarrassed. I never wanted Connor to meet Alyssa and accidentally draw him into my toxic life.

I am so proud he had made his own way.

However, in the hour leading up to meeting him, I sat in my living room trapped inside my mind. With nothing to do and no one to talk to, all my horrible thoughts were circling through my head like a neverending revolving door. I began to think about relationships and how I have always seemed to struggle to maintain even the faintest kind relationship ever. Apparently all my relationships are fucking complicated. I guess there's a common denominator here... but not just romantic ones either. My relationship with my brother, I never bothered to maintain or even tried to build something with him. I essentially left him on his own but he still came back to me - of which I am forever grateful. But how can I continue to maintain and improve our relationship? I don't even know where to start or how to do that. I'm so consumed by my job and touring and Belle I just don't know where to begin.

And my relationship with Alyssa. I'd formed a relationship with her on a foundation of drugs and alcohol that was supported by abuse. That was destined to crumble from the word go and any other 'friendships' I'd formed as a result of that relationship.

Not to mention the relationship with my band mates that I've nearly burned a hundred times because I've been such a dickwad.

Then the revolving door of horrible thoughts always circles back to Belle and our relationship. Our relationship, whilst the best one I've ever had, hasn't been the easiest or smooth going. I met Belle when I was trapped upside down in my car. Easily not the most glamorous way to meet someone. I then watched her in awe of her strength and then almost die at a major building fire and as a result I went all out on a miraculous date to ask her out. Why Noah? Then my marvellous brain flipped out thinking she didn't like me when in reality she was struggling herself. I fell apart thinking our relationship had fallen apart and in consequence I almost lost her for good. We've suffered an absolute whirlwind of a time since we met.