Heart on Fire | Noah Sebastian

Chapter 36

Much to the disapproval of the nurses and hospital staff, I spent the night at Belle's bedside. I knew that because she was sedated there was no way she'd wake through the night but I just couldn't bear to leave her side. I don't know if I was afraid that she'd be left alone or afraid that I'd be left alone. It's probably the latter. I kept her fingers warm and the charm tucked lightly in her palm for the entire night. I sat in a chair and dozed. I didn't want to lose the feeling of having her hand in mine. I almost lost her, for the second time. I don't want to lose my connection to her.

The sun rose over the hospital and I watched it with her, even though she was still sedated. Belle always admired the sunrise and sunset and so I thought I'd make the extra effort for her. I watched as the colours would suddenly change, from bright orange, to floral pinks and bright yellow. I watched as the clouds mimicked fairy floss and would impair the sun rays for a moment and then clear, letting them illuminate the morning sky.

She made me stop driving once so she could stop and watch the colours change. I was never one to stop and watch the sunsets, and it's been a long time since I've been awake for a sunrise. Belle told me once, 'the most beautiful sunrises and sunsets I've ever seen are almost always after I've been at a job where someone has lost their life. It's as if their soul has been freed'. Though she never mentioned it, I know she looks for Lucas in every sunset. And now whenever I can, I take a minute and enjoy it with her.

Belle eventually woke from sedation around mid morning. Her vitals were stable and she was breathing on her own when the life support was taken off her, so they woke her. I sat by her side and held her hand on my chest above my heart as she came too. I was nervous but waited patiently; Patrick has been through this before and knows what to expect. She was obviously very sore and disorientated initially but soon found her hand held in mine upon my heartbeat and smiled. She rolled her head over and met Patrick and began to cry; the full reality of the situation began to set in. Patrick and I tried to console her from either side of her bed. I held back tears as she cried in pain.

///

A few days passed and Belle was released from the ICU into the surgical ward. She was improving greatly every day and slowly returning back to her normal self but was far from being in a good enough condition to go home. The first few days were rough as she mentally battled herself but we got through it. She'd never tell me but I know she thinks she's a burden on me and Patrick also. She's been so focused on me and my career and encouraging me to move forward with the album release and tours, telling me constantly 'don't put your life on hold because of me'. She even tried to convince Nicholas that we shouldn't worry about her and go on tour when he visited. She asked Patrick to go home but he's got that Callaghan stubbornness, he wasn't going anywhere.

But today was a particularly bad mental health day for Belle.

"Belle let me help you" I shot up out of my chair as she tried to get up from her bed. She wasn't meant to walk unassisted yet but she was determined to otherwise.

She swiped me away, "Noah I'm fine. I didn't beat paralysis by being a bitch and listening to the doctors and I'm not going to listen to them now. I know what I'm capable of". She was venomous in her tone and it was designed to pierce me, but I knew better. Her venomous words didn't hurt me as they have done before.

I sat down and let her go to the bathroom. She was struggling with being bedridden for so long and having to depend on others and struggling more now that the Doctor ordered her off work for up to 2 months. It was a struggle convincing her to take a week off work let alone two months. But I'll be there to support her where I can.

"I'm sorry" she says as she emerges a few moments later. "I know you're only trying to help me and I'm being nasty. I'm sorry".

I stood up and helped her back into bed. She sat with her legs hanging off the side and her head hanging low. I stepped between her legs and drew her into my torso. I wrapped my arms lightly around her shoulders and held her. She reached up and lazily wrapped her arms around me. "I know you're frustrated babe" I cooed to her. I stood and held her for as long as she needed and tried to absorb as much pain and discomfort as I could from her. I wanted desperately to take away her suffering and let her return to work, but I couldn't.