Heart on Fire | Noah Sebastian

Chapter 24

The first few days of the tour were a drunken, happy blur. I promised myself I wouldn't drink again, period. I promised myself that I wouldn't fall into the same habits I fell into when I was with Alyssa, the same habits I fell into when I was without Alyssa, the same habits as my so-called mother. But I fell harder than I ever have before. The first thing I did as I got home was find the nearest beer and skull it. I don't think I've been sober since.

Belle broke my heart.

But I hid this all under the guise of tour shenanigans. Everyone else was drinking and partying, throwing up hungover when setting the stage and moving the gear. I blended right in. And it kept me numb. Being with my band and seeing my friends and doing the very thing I love in this world kept me numb. I wasn't abusing if they were drinking too. They all asked if I had a girlfriend, and the first time I was asked I hesitated because I didn't even know that answer for sure, but Folio answered for me, telling Andy, well slurring "yeah he does, she's hot. She's a firefighter". I earned a high five from Andy but glared at Folio. But I was too drunk to hold a grudge. I would just drink my drink until the pain of hearing her name wore off again.

She still hasn't texted me back or called. I gave up.

Being up on that stage kept me numb also. There was a sea of people who came out to see us and sing our songs with us, so I tried to harness that joy for the short time it lasted. 1 hour out of each day I felt joy. And designing our setlists became easier than I expected. I had so much newfound pain within me that I knew exactly what songs I wanted to perform, pretending it's some kind of cathartic exercise or some form of therapy. They also happened to be our most popular songs so no one would know otherwise. I chose to perform 'Never Know', 'Limits', 'Said and Done', 'The Worst in Me', 'Enough, Enough Now', 'Kingdom of Cards' and eventually 'Dethrone'. We toyed with the idea of playing one of our new songs from our new album but I opted otherwise. I couldn't sing about Belle in that way.

'Dethrone' I chose to finish with, being one of our heaviest songs and easily most popular. It was the most cathartic to sing, well scream. I channeled the feeling of a godly power, all my anger, frustration, pain and fear into singing this song, relishing that in just a few more moments I'll return to painful numbness and be stuck inside my own head again. But I was robbed of everything in a split second.

I spotted her. She was there in the crowd, blended in like everyone else but stood out like an eye sore. Not quite at the front, but a few rows behind, but close enough where I could see her clearly. In the middle of my eyeline, exactly where I looked out to the crowd. She was hours away from home. She was wearing my merch, singing my songs, singing with the crowd. She smiled at me. She took the breath from my lungs and not in a good way. She sucked the soul I'd spent so long trying to repair.

For the first time ever, Alyssa was in the crowd.

I choked the lyrics but played it off, guiding the microphone to the crowd whilst I swallowed the vomit in my throat. I could feel her eyes on me and they were burning. Everything I was doing, every movement, ever step, every note, every breath was under her scrutiny. I felt as though I was under a giant spotlight focused only on me; the background blurred. But why the fuck is she here. She's never come to a show before. I looked at Jolly and Nicolas but they were on opposite ends of the stage, looking at completely different set of people. Folio was too far away and hidden behind giant cymbals to see her. I tried giving him a look but he just smiled. I was on my own.

The song finally ended and so did our set, and I have never exited a stage quicker than I did just now. I had to find the nearest bin or bathroom. I found a bin and released my guts with force. All the pain and panic in my system compressing my stomach and forcing its way out in one continuous motion. My hands were shaking violently as I was white knuckled just trying to hold on as my body heaved and heaved. Folio found me and coached me through my episode, patting me on the back, but he thought I was still hungover from last night. He even congratulated me on making it through the set and putting on a great show.